VMAs

VMAs 2014

VMAs 2014, here you are friends.

1. Hello Ariana. Hello Nikki. Hello sex scene with a snake. Way to kick it off. I could hear Nikki clapping from Missouri. And Jessie J. blows them all out of the water just by singing. So what if she's slit up to there? Geez Nikki, with a booty like yours, who would expect you to lose a FRONT seam?

2. Snooooooooop and the forever gorgeous, super fashionable Gwen. (and later when she applauds while holding her frou frou drink, impeccable). West coast represent.

3. At first I was planning on making a joke about how Katy Perry's dress was a sad recycling of the Britney and JT denim disaster from years ago. Then I realized that she and her date were wearing THE ACTUAL OUTFITS! I see what she was trying, but Trey Stone and Matt Parker were funnier when they dressed as J.Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars. I fully expect to see her wearing a dead swan at the next awards.

4. Don't know this comedian. First break, not bad. Second break, meh. Third break, may have won me back. Kim K. laugh with your sisters, you KNOW it's funny because it's TRUE!

5. And there it is. Taylor Swift being everything she always wanted to be. A lip syncing, dancing, spectacle-creating pop tart. Super lame beat drop. She should have jumped off the giant 1989 stage set. Is this what she thinks that year looked like? *Sigh*

6. Ed Sheeran! Talent is awarded! YES! And Pharrell is involved. Everyone listen to more Ed. SO worth your while.

7. There goes Jim Carrey again. Anything for a laugh, and there's about a 50/50 shot he'll get it. Worthy of a little giggle...

8. Ariana thanks Iggy for being on her winning song, and may have forgotten that she also beat her out for the award. This could be why Iggy gave the sour lemon face when the camera cut to her. No hard feeelingggggs! xoxo, lol!

9. Oh thank Jesus for Sam Smith. I LOVE his voice, so original, so much soul. Oh please let me hear a full live gospel choir...aw...no dice, but still exquisite.

10. Well said Common. Well respected Snoop.

11. I think I want to dress as a Moon Man next Halloween.

12. Ursher got the moves that make your booty go... Groovy, tight, slick and full of horn stabs. Yow! And I've decided he's the only person besides MC Hammer allowed to wear a drop crotch. When did he pick up that bass...was he really playing that? Careful bumpin' that booty Usher, it will bounce you right off the stage!

13. Lorde is NOT rock. It's R&B, it's pop, it's great, but it's not in the right category at all. Would have been fine if any of the other four had won (was rooting for Black Keys, who have apparently had their name changed to Black Eyes from whatever random nameless dude was announcing them). Oh right, that's Trey Songz being a perv and creeping out his co-presenter. And then you bring up your grandma? Ew.

14. A new band influenced by Green Day and Blink 182? Sounds promising, 5 Seconds of....zzzz. *Snort* what, what, did I fall asleep? Sorry.

15. Fifth Harmony, who the hell is that, winning over Sam Smith? Oh..."I'd like to thank Simon Cowell" followed by some brainless blubbering. Got it!

16. Robin Williams gets 10 seconds of Coldplay to play him out? Lame. Awkward. Thoughtless. Lazily thrown together.

17. J.Lo, nice to see you. Do the Vegas showgirls know you raid their wardrobes?

18. Sorry Kim K., but another famous person has an impossibly outsized butt for her figure. And she has talent...thanks Iggy Azalea. Spider webs and black widows, spooky and fitting.

19. How many damn years in a row are they going to keep cutting frame to Taylor Swift's reaction on EVERYTHING? Make. It. Stop. MTV you do not have to keep apologizing for the Kanye incident. It's been 5 YEARS, give it a rest.

20. Adam Levine and 4 other guys. Look everyone, it's a "rock and roll" band by MTV standards! I actually feel bad for the rest of the band. Their music is pretty catchy, maybe not the best in rock. However it's clear that M5 have descended from a fairly interesting band (whose first album I liked), into being the backing band for a heartthrob/fashion model. Sorry Adam and Adam lovers. Looks be damned, he does still have a great voice and songwriting skill.

21. Jimmy Fallon is only funny when he's with Justin Timberlake. There should be a law that he's only ever allowed to be on TV with JT.

22. Miley effin' Cyrus. Stop forcing tears. Stop trying to be Marlon Brando. At least he had the cojones to NOT show up to make his point, however cloying or pointless. I'll at least give you credit for giving a kid a job who truly needed it.

23. When was the last time a Beyonce song had a hummable, recognizable melody? Choreography and wardrobe perfectly spot-on and mind-blowing as always Ms. Queen Bey. I also like that she keeps the lip syncing down to the barest minimum. Always like to hear the divas when they really sing live. Separates the girls from the women. Her daughter is super-cute precious. Not sure she's quite of age to see this...I still feel a little dirty after watching the Drunk in Love section and after. Welcome to the Crazy Horse! Then HARD LEFT TURN a truly sweet song about her child. I thought she was gonna cry on the part where her daughter's voice was playing on the track. Then I thought I was gonna cry when her husband and daughter gave her the Video Vanguard Award. Well deserved Miss Bey. You ended the night well.

VMAs 2013

*Sigh* okay, go time. VMAs. Lady Gaga-you are strange, but I see that you are hammering home the idea of showing everyone your myriad transitions over the mere 5 years you have been on the scene. Good job. Now move forward and do more. Continue to be the real artist you are. Please continue to out-sing all the other poptarts and keep playing piano like a rock star should.

Kanye. Your performance was a shadow on a screen. Just shut up.

Nile freakin' Rodgers was on your stage, MTV people. With Daft Punk. Show some damn respect.

Miley Cyrus. This is what happens when a culture-stupid but spectacle-smart "performer" thinks that all you have to do is slap a bunch of randomly unconnected sh** together on a stage and it gets to be "art". It is now crystal clear that you have a true calling for being the best, dirtiest, crotch rubbing, twerkin' stripper ever, you just missed your calling by becoming famous for trying to sing. You tried to be provocative, instead you're just taking all the appeal out of sex, which up to now I thought was impossible. Ew.

JT is amazing. Not my type of music normally, but SO well done. NSYNC reunion? Dud. All that hype for exactly 90 seconds of not NEAR enough payoff. And Justin treated it as a bit of an afterthought. Meh. Try harder boys. Still made the One Direction twerps look like they were pooping their diapers in the audience. And Jimmy Fallon can shut up too.

Taylor Swift. I get it. You're just like all the other young girls in the world. You sing and dance when your favorite music comes on. And you make sure you don't pull those poses until the cameras are on you. You've been way too full of yourself and it's been looking way too fake for way too long. Find some modesty, or even humility. Then you'll be setting an example to show girls that strength comes from within, not just a sassily written song that makes you feel better after a breakup. Go punch Harry Styles in the face. We would all enjoy that, you most of all.

Katy Perry, your number was fun to watch. You shouldn't have been overshadowed by the idiocy of the rest of the night. Don't stop girl, you'll still be throwing KO punches in ten years when Miley's in the gutter hugging her dirty, diseased teddy bear.

That is all. Dave Grohl and Trent Reznor, please come back and bring your rock.