Oscars

Oscars 2019

Holy heck, did I not cover the Oscars last year? Does this make me lazy or bored? Well let’s try this again and see if I don’t fall asleep. OSCARS!

1. Maria Menounos’ gown looks like it got bleach spilled on it. Poor girl, she should know not to do laundry on Oscar night. And I just had to Google how to spell Menounos.

2. Billy Porter’s half-tux half-giant ball gown is crazy and bold and weird. But I like it. When he transitioned into velvety palazzo pants, it brought the statement down, but it was still bold and pretty.

3. Kasey Musgraves takes a page from Anna Kendrick and dresses as a pink shower loofah. Exfoliation is important, okay?

4. Melissa McCarthy is up for an Oscar? Huh…well I hope she wins. She says she will turn it into a door knocker if she wins it. I really want this to happen.

5. Glenn Close is wearing a golden superhero cape. And she knows that it has 4 MILLION beads and weighs 42 pounds. Fabulous and smart. And strong enough to carry a 42-pound dress on her body for the night. Appropriate.

6. Proof now officially exists that Jason Momoa can wear whatever the hell he wants. He was dressed in a powder-puff pink suit expertly matched to his wife’s dress. He accessorized perfectly and still retained his normal rugged and swarthy style. How the heck?

7. J. Lo is a disco ball. Her reflection of the lights onstage has now given me a blind spot.

8. Emma Stone’s dress looks a little too much like bacon. Maybe I need to eat dinner.

9. Let the show begin with QUEEEEEEEEN! I adore Adam Lambert’s voice. Always right on the money, and he does justice to Freddie, which is no small feat. I don’t think I have ever seen an Oscar audience more excited. And a standing ovation. F*** yeah! Oh snap, the picture of Freddie in the background. The show must go on whether I’m crying or not…

10. Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph should have been picked to host the show. Their opening monologue was hysterical.

11. Rachel Weisz is wearing a giant Fruit Roll-Up.

12. While the background of the stage is a lovely bunch of swoops and curves, the outer proscenium area looks like the stage is made of mercury and about to melt upon the stars. It’s giving me an LSD flashback and I’ve never even tried LSD.

13. Helen Mirren checking out Jason Momoa’s bod onstage. What a cougar.

14. And now I see there is a reason why behind-the-scenes people are behind the scenes. Read the thank you list and walk off the stage. Microphones are not your thing.

15. Melissa. McCarthy. And that insane dress. She is the queen of the stuffed animal universe. Who knew a rabbit puppet could steal the show? Then the costumes winner stepped onstage. Looking a little too close to Melissa’s joke. Girl is extra.

16. Speaking of extra. The production design winner, hobbling up to the stage under the crushing weight of her ridiculous red dress. She looked great standing still and gave us a lovely, heartfelt speech, but girl needed to be trucked around on a dolly cart.

17. It’s all capes and trains tonight, isn’t it? Jennifer Hudson probably needed three people to help her wrangle hers. Massive. (Oh my gosh, they just showed Jennifer going backstage and THREE people were holding the train. I was right!)

18. James McAvoy and Danai Gurira ACTING with audio dynamics to present the sound editing award. A lovely chuckle there.

19. Keegan Michael Key dropping in from the sky to introduce Bette Midler as The Divine Miss M. Perfection for the Mary Poppins song.

20. Charlize Theron’s dress may be the most boring thing I have ever seen. Right up there with paint drying. Flat, plain, gray, drab paint. Not even the huge back cutout and a chain of diamonds can save it.

21. Just when I think I’ve seen the dopiest fashions of the night, Pharrell Williams says, “hold my drink”. Camo, double-breasted jacket and cargo shorts. Of course, a crisp, white shirt and a golden statement necklace are the perfect accessories.

22. There’s a kickoff for the start of a speech. “I can’t believe a film about menstruation just won an Oscar!” So much yelling!

23. Lady Gaga’s song has no introduction because it needs no introduction. And they walk from their seats in the audience to the stage. Damn. She brings so much SHOW. For all of her usual over-the-top antics, she chose to let her beautiful song shine like it does. I will be shocked if it doesn’t win.

24. The redhead’s acceptance speech for short live-action film has SO MUCH ENERGY! I think that’s how we want to see winners accept. With sincerity.

25. SPIKE LEE! Well won, well said. Great purple suit.

26. And there it is. Lady Gaga making me cry. Heartfelt, glorious, real.

27. Hello, Barbra. She brings us the Brooklyn sass and had famous people going gaga…haha!

28. RAMI WINS! I am so happy. Freddie is smiling!

29. Olivia Colman’s acceptance was SO charming and SO British. Her apologies, her saucy humor. SO FREAKIN’ CUTE! Unbearably adorable. I can’t hate her for beating Gaga because of this.

30. And two boring yet expected wins for movies that I am sure are worthy, yet I was too lazy to go see. Everyone say Good Night to Bradley Cooper’s mom!

Oscars 2017

How do I even have time to get this done after Visioncon and before homework is due? Because I am Wonder Woman. Or Batman. Or Freddie Mercury or something. OSCARS!

1. Everybody’s dressed like golden Oscar statues tonight. Is this a desperate ploy or wishful thinking? Either way, I am needing to see some color, Oscars, and not just in your newly found diversity of nominees…

2. Ah. Thanks Ruth Negga. I needed that red pop of a dress.

3. One other thing about all these gold/colorless dresses: it looks like everybody put their boobs away, and while that’s refreshing, the whole effect is still too assembly-line for my taste.

4. Everyone sing along with me, “The Rock wore Bluuuuuuuue Velvet…” (LOTS of it)

5. J.T., I always knew you were my favorite NSYNC dude from the beginning. And it is SO much fun to watch you dance AND bring “Lovely Day” into it. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an actual dance party break out at the Oscars, but if anyone can do it, good ole’ J. can!

6. Well, at least Jimmy Kimmel knows better than to start the Oscars by himself. That was mean of me, I DO like his sense of humor, really.

7. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Let’s just go there. The Rock for President 2020.

8. Has anyone else noticed how much color guard is happening in mainstream entertainment these days? Refreshing and perfect, change nothing with those beautiful props choreographed for the Moana song. Well, just try not to crack them over the glorious singer’s head…

9. JACKIE CHAN! That is all.

10. So…I may have spent about an hour and a half laser focused on my homework so maybe I missed a thing or five…but…

11. Why can’t I be on a Hollywood bus tour that runs me through an awards show? I ADORE awards shows. Come on award show gods, be kind to me because I would LOVE to have Denzel Washington officiate at my next wedding to Steven.

12. OMG Michael J. Fox and a DeLorean. Con weekend is complete!

13. Sunny Pawar is the cutest version of Simba I’ve ever seen. I think Disney knows what its next live-action film remake of an animated classic they’re doing next. Jimmy may not make the cut as Rafiki though. Sorry bud!

14. An Oscar “dedicated to all those kids who sang in the rain and the mothers who let them.” YES!

15. Hang in there Jen Aniston, we’re all crying with you.

16. Seriously Oscars, WHAT? Just WHAT? How in the ever-loving heck did you manage to Steve Harvey this? EVERYONE is confused, poor Warren Beatty got the wrong envelope and we got to hear two acceptance speeches. But I think Moonlight won. No one’s really sure.

17. And I’m pretty sure we’re on year three of me not saying anything about the actual movies. Someone needs to balloon drop me some Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby flavor ice cream, because I am ready for dessert. Bon apetit, y’all!

Oscars 2016

Homework’s done, children. Let’s take the Oscars to school, shall we?

1. Not sure if I’m watching Harry Potter or Willy Wonka. Sparkly!

2. Smart open. Tug at heart strings, make celebrities smile, and let Chris Rock tell it like it is.

3. I had no idea the Oscars would have the guts to let Chris do ten minutes of his full on, zero punches pulled stand-up to open. Dayum.

4. Two words in fashion tonight: boobs and bling.

5. First award out and I officially hate the scroll bar of thanks. Too impersonal, too much chance for technical mistakes, and they’re probably still going to thank the same people in the speech. No one’s reading them. Meh.

6. Commercial break #1: Thank you Kohl’s for reminding me that Cuba Gooding, Jr. is STILL responsible for the BEST Oscar acceptance speech ever.

7. Whoopi! Woo! Tracy Morgan! Chris Rock! That’s how you tell Hollywood to fix their s@#%.

8. I have no clue why Stacey Dash was on stage, and neither does she. Awkward and unfunny. And speaking of awkward and unfunny…

9. Sara Silverman. Her comedy is SO hit and miss. This was a miss.

10. Three strikes you’re out, Oscars. I love Sam Smith, but I am not a fan of this Bond song. This was overuse of falsetto on a Bee Gees scale. No.

11. I adore JK Simmons. Not just because of his exceptional acting, but because he is the voice of Stanford Pines, one of my favorite cartoon characters. Shush.

12. Ah. Back to the funny comedy. Thanks Steve Carell and Tina Fey.

13. I feel like I’m watching school closings. Someone tell Barbra Streisand to call in and yell at them to stop the scroll immediately. Also, the pop-up video style captions under each presenter need to go too. That’s what Google is for.

14. Cut to man in bear suit when Revenant is announced=priceless.

15. One of the scrolls thanked “friends” and “teachers”. As a friend and teacher, I accept.

16. Commercial Break #3: There you go again, Kohl’s. I will totally shop at you because I like your ads. Seriously.

17. What was that weird cruise ship horn sound? No one in the audience knew either. OHHH, sound editing award. Got it. That was some extended Edgar Wright flash editing if I ever saw it.

18. And we can’t hear the first thing the sound editing winner says because of…a sound problem. This is what irony is, children and Alanis.

19. FAVORITE ANNOUNCERS OF THE NIGHT! C-3PO, R2-D2, and BB-8! I squeaked out loud! John Williams is still alive AND nominated! Yay!

20. This is how a man can sing in high range and make it sound great. Yes, Mr. The Weeknd!

21. Commercial Break #3: Rock, paper, scissors Android ad. Find it and watch it NOW! Love the message!

22. I’m so happy that Chris Rock roped in his funniest comedian friends for the show. Love Louis CK!

23. Dave Grohl and Beatles and Blackbird and sadness and tears and my broken heart. Goodbye beloved movie people…

24. That was gorgeous, Gaga. So righteous it made actors stand up and cry for real. Itsonus.org.

25. Anyone notice that the band didn’t dare play over Ennio Morricone’s speech? Clearly they know their heroes. Wise band.

26. Finally. LEO. No question. Look at how he MARCHED off that stage after the speech. Nothing wrong with a little pride tonight.

27. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. I don’t care what film wins Best Picture as long as he’s announcing it.

28. Has anyone else noticed that I can do entire Oscar recaps without really talking about the movies? Here’s to year 3! Now go have some milk and Girl Scout cookies and go to bed, you rascals! It’s a school night.

Oscars 2015

Hooray for Hollywood! Let's go Oscar recapping, shall we?

1. Benedict Cumberbatch swilling hooch and being a diva. Oh this is starting well!

2. JAAAAAACK BLAAAAAAACK! The only song and dance man who could top Barney himself and those amazing screen effects in the opener. The belly laughs begin early for me...

3. Like last year, Lupita N'yongo is wearing the dress of the night. Gorgeous Calvin Klein custom original. Pearls everywhere.

4. Apologies if I don't comment very much on who wins. Like last year, I am woefully behind on having watched most of the nominated movies. I'll do my best.

5. Poor everyone in Maroon 5 who isn't Adam Levine. They perform in darkness while Mr. Voice goes overboard with the theatrics. At least it was a short song.

6. There goes J.Lo, lookin' nekkid AGAIN. And the Oscar winner she announces shows her how fashion should really be. Classy and interesting.

7. Speaking of classy and interesting (and add sexy), Reese Witherspoon is also showing J.Lo how to dress correctly for the occasion. And perfectly fitted (pay attention Marion Cotillard).

8. Anyone else playing Name That Tune/Name its Movie with me on the song spots the band has been playing? So far I'm batting a thousand. (I did get stumped a couple of times later in the night)

9. Shirley MacLaine, we've seen you in this outfit many times before. This can't be the only thing in your closet. This could be devolving into fashion night for me.

10. Awesomely J-Poppy song Lonely Island, Tegan & Sara, Questlove and Mark Mothersbaugh, but Robin Williams performing Blame Canada in 2000 still blows you out of the water.

11. Dear Winner of Documentary Short Subject, the Trouble with Tribbles is that they should be in a Star Trek episode, not on your dress.

12. Gwyneth, sometimes your fashion is off, but not tonight. Good work, now go back to entertaining us by saying strange things. BUT DON'T SING.

13. Is there really anything I need to say about NPH in his underwear? You're already saying it all in your head, and we'll leave it there.

14. Jared. Leto. Please. Stop. Matching your tux to your eyes, and tiny skinny fit pants with giant white boat shoes. You're odd, we get it, but you can do better than this. So try.

15. Patricia Arquette, go after your hairdresser like you did on gender pay equality and maybe you won't end up with a messy nest for hair. But thank you for the statement, I'll let you know if it works.

16. Powerful singing Rita Ora. Too bad we can't see you for the seizure inducing lighting.

17. Hit Girl, that's a glorious dress. Stop modeling the pockets so hard.

18. YAY BIG HERO 6! (it's one that I saw and LOVED). Yes, yes, John Lasseter is the best boss in the world...hire my daughter in a few years :)

19. Zzzzzz...sorry, what did I miss? I'm up in time to see Terence Howard almost cry and break the microphone because of how moved he was introducing film nominees. There there Ter, it's going to be okay.

20. Wow John Legend and Common, I had no idea you could top your Grammy performance. You just did. And sealing it with a win and an eloquent acceptance speech. (Aw, David Oyelowo crying and Oprah drying his tears, truly precious)

21. Idina Menzel and John Travolta for the win! Way to take it on both of your strong, chiseled chins! (Did you see Idina's horror when John was grabbing at her face? Still creepy)

22. Someone help Scarlett Johannson! Her neck is being attacked/infested by tiny green crystals! Save her before she suffocates!

23. Do you believe me now when I tell you Lady Gaga can SING? She totally gets a pass on being overblown on the gestures...because I said so.

24. JULIEEEEEEE! ANDREWWWWWWWWWS! I love her. Wonderful as Gaga just was, I'd still rather hear Julie sing...

25. Screenplay writer for Imitation Game, LOVE your speech! Tell the world that it's okay to be weird!

26. I see that Cate Blanchett and Patricia Arquette have the same hairdresser (or lack thereof).

27. Eddie Redmayne=Adorable. Change nothing, sir!

28. Did Sean Penn just yell about green cards? Was that a slur? Still starting fights after all these years. Stay gold, Sean. Stay gold.

29. And Beetlejuice is just glad to be here. Great job NPH, many belly laughs and only a couple of duds in the jokes. See you next year. Don't forget to wear clothes.

Oscars 2014

Well well, another award night, another post. Didn't realize I'd have this much to say about the Oscars. But here it is...

1. Lupita N’yongo wins dress of the night.

2. Liza. I love you. Blue hair streak is bold but you pulled it off. Lovely. Take a joke, Ellen means well.

3. I can’t STAND Jared Leto. He always seemed stuck-up and self-important. And yet he does so much that deserves being won over. Story about his mom makes me see that maybe he hasn’t felt entitled all his life. He always came across as smug to me before that. True, he’s a great actor, but I always cast a sideways glance to actors who go into music. It’s a fine line, and very few have balanced on it. And did that seem like the longest acceptance speech ever? No hard cut-in by the orchestra? Refreshing.

3. Those gummy Oscars on the stage look delicious.

4. Look everyone, Pharrell’s hat is back! Shake it Meryl!

5. Speaking of the man in the hat, hello Indy!

6. There is much consternation in my house over the loss of The Wind Rises to Frozen for Animated Feature. Well, Jillian doesn’t mind so much, but Layne, well sometimes he can be an anime snob. Regretably, I haven’t seen any of the nominees. I am ashamed and hope to set that right.

7. Did Zach Efron just call Karen O an aspiration?. People aspire to be like her, but she inspires. Inspiration, Zach, inspiration.

8. In other news, the Muppets Lipton Tea commercial. A+++. My son asks, “How do you make a puppet shrug? That’s genius.”

9. OMG Darlene. You’re makin’ me cry. Well deserved standing o.

10. Love. U2. Love. Love. Absolutely super gorgeous. Bono can play God all he wants with a voice as amazing as all that. Another inspiration of mine. I want to be a lead singer because of him. And Freddie Mercury. That combination of soaring voice and holding a crowd of any size and type in the palm of his hand. Love. (And Jared Leto you BETTER stand up and respect that!).

11. I don’t have a Twitter account. But I would totally re-tweet that picture. And I’m so glad Liza is being a good sport with Ellen now.

12. Winners blah blah blah. Did anyone really expect anyone else to win but the obvious ones? Most boring part of the night.

13. Lupita. Lovely, yet again. Keep doin’ what you do.

14. Bill Murray. Always Bill Murray.

15. Whoopi. You would have looked wonderful in that black satin dress if you had yanked off that mess of a shirt. Fix it! But thank you for greeting and thanking Judy’s kids.

16. Oh Pink. You just keep hitting it out of the park. Every. Single. Show. Every damn time. Stop making me cry. Love her.

17. Ellen, are you a good witch? Or a bad witch?

18. YES, Pepsi, YES! Hilarious new mini can commercial. All quotes, all fun, and...hey Cuba!

19. Bette! That smile, that voice, so beautiful. Sing that old song and make it new again. Yet another of my heroes.

20. Did John Travolta just announce Adele? Hey, it’s that girl from Wicked! Sorry, I know it’s Idina Menzel and she’s every bit the super drama power Broadway belter. Go on, girl!

21. Best song winners=most adorable acceptance speech ever. Charming, silly, and exuberant, but most of all heartfelt.

22. Did it take me until just now to notice the different backgrounds on the stage for each award? Typewriters for the screenplay award. Meh. And Steve McQueen claps like a four-year old.

23. Yay! Finally an award winner I can get excited about. Spike Jonze! Complete with a slightly oddball speech (who’s onstage with you?). Whoo!

24. The Oscars Orchestra was performing from a mile away? And did the same thing last year? Where have I been not knowing such a quirky tidbit?

25. Sandra didn’t win….whaaaa? First shocker of the night. And why did she tell me to suck it? Ohhhhh, she was talking to Julia Roberts. Well that’s okay…

26. Well alright, alright alright, ;) the Best Picture winner was NOT Gravity. Second and last shocker of the night. Love that Steve McQueen...