Me and a woodchuck got into it one day outside of a Taco Bell. I'm sitting at a table, eating a burrito supreme. And this woodchuck walks up near my table, and he just starts taking a piss. Now, I understand how woodchucks are wild by nature, and they don't use urinals. But what made me mad about this particular woodchuck was that after he was done peeing, he circled the place, as if he had just marked his territory or something. So, I walk up to the woodchuck. 'Cause when anyone--man or animal--crosses a certain line, I'm confrontational. I'm a really good confronter. I'll even confront a fucking gorilla if I feel like it. I'll confront his hairy, 450 pound gorilla ass. And then I'll run away. I'm a good confronter. I'm a good runner. But I'm not a good fighter. I'm not looking to throw it down with no silverback gorilla. I rely on a confront and run strategy. I draw up a play. I huddle. And I'm like, "Confront and run, on three. Ready, break." So anyways, I'm outside the Taco Bell, and I confront the woodchuck. I'm all like, "Let me ask you a question. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, before I whup a woodchuck's ass?" I thought that was pretty clever. At the time, I thought it was pretty clever. In retrospect, I realize that it didn't make no sense at all. But when you're in your confrontational mode, the rules change. Your assertive statements don't have to make no sense. So I roll up to this woodchuck, and I'm all like, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, before I whup a woodchuck's ass?" Now, this nigga just stares at me. The woodchuck stares at me for an extended period of time, without saying nothing. Which, I mean, I guess is to be expected, because as far as I know, woodchucks don't talk. I'm not sure. I didn't look it up on Wikipedia. But, I mean, you don't got to look stuff up on Wikipedia to have knowledge. Sometimes it's just instinct. Instinctively, I know that woodchucks don't communicate using the English language. Or any other language, for that matter. Spanish, Czechoslovakian, Puerto Rican. Woodchucks don't speak none of those languages. So, yeah. This woodchuck is just looking at me. And even though I'm not a fighter, at this point, I'm looking to throw it down. I'm thinking, "I know this woodchuck ain't staring me down! I'm fixing to bust this nigga in the head!" So, yeah. I punched that motherfucker. I was like Floyd Mayweather. And this woodchuck--he tried to get all Manny Pacquaio on me. He got this Filipino look in his eyes. It was crazy. And I'm not talking about Manny Pacquaio, circa 2017, the politician slash boxer. I'm talking about the crazy nigga back in 2007. That version of Manny Pacquaio. So, me and the woodchuck, we had a superfight right then and there in the Taco Bell parking lot. It should've been on pay per view. Some dudes were sitting around watching it--and I wanted to turn to them and say, "If you want to see this, it's gona cost $79.99." So, yeah. I fought that Filipino woodchuck. We fought for the WBC Woodland Critter championship of Inglewood. And then some animal right activist came and stopped the fight. He was like, "You can't be hitting on no animal." I said, "Dude. How about instead of protecting the animal, you protect me? This woodchuck is a straight up killer. He's like Deebo from the movie Friday."
You ever live with one of those girls who watch game shows 24/7? It's night, you get home, you see her, and you're like, "Baby. Hey, baby. Just so you know, I just finished working eight hours in a fucking coal mine, and furthermore, I like to eat food every once in a while, and you're sitting on the sofa and buying vowels from Pat Sajack. Maybe you should stop spinning for a second, and solve the damn puzzle. The answer to the puzzle is 'go make me a cheeseburger.'"
I got a cousin whose name is Tombstone. That's not a nickname. My aunt and her husband are drug users. It took them ten days to name the baby. And the best name they could come up with was Tombstone. I still don't get what type of drugs they took that made them think Tombstone is an actual name. How the fuck does it take you ten days to settle on the name Tombstone? On days one through nine, did they come up with choices that were even worse than Tombstone? Maybe on day one, they wanted to name him Dry Clean Only. Then the next day, they considered calling him Shampoo, Rinse, and Repeat.
I took my cousin Ray golfing once. It was me, Ray, and 50 Cent the rapper. Now, here are three things you need to know about my cousin Ray. One--he talks a lot of trash when he plays sports. Two--he thinks he raps better than 50 Cent. And three--he thinks he's Ryu from the video game Street Fighter. He thinks he's Ryu. One time me and Ray was ordering breakfast at Denny's. The waitress was all like, "What can I get you?" And Ray said, "Hadooken. Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku." And the waitress was all like, "OK. And do you want those eggs fried or scrambled?"