Women--they never stop coming up with ludicrous activities that they want to involve their men in. It's amazing. I'm sitting the on the sofa, I'm watching football, I'm drinking beer, I got one hand in my pants, I'm jacking off. It's a typical Sunday. And my woman, she waltzes in, and she's like, "Let's go pet some raccoons." She said that. Because that's some new trend. Going to a raccoon farm and petting raccoons. So I look at my woman. And I tell her, "Honey. That is seriously the most fucked up Sunday activity you could possibly come up with. Raccoon petting? Raccoons don't want to be petted. They're busy with their raccoon activities. And I'm busy drinking and masturbating and watching football." But she didn't relent. We went to the raccoon petting thing. It was ridiculous. We paid $18 each to hang out with some woodland critters. My woman was like "Isn't this fun?" And I was like, "No! You only think this is fun, because some banker brainwashed you into thinking that raccoon petting is a good thing to do, you fucking lunatic!"
I've been reading a lot of Wikipedia lately. And evidently, woodchucks don't chuck wood. That's what is says on Wikipedia. I think I know why woodchucks don't chuck wood. They're smart. They know that wood doesn't need to be chucked. The other day, my wife took me to a woodchucking festival. A festival where you chuck wood. Women love those types of things. They flock to them. You know why? Because women are idiots who are attracted to pointless activities. That sums it up for women. If there's something to do that's completely pointless, it's gonna become a trend among women. That's the essential nature of women. They're gonna drag you over to a fucking woodchucking festival on a Sunday afternoon. And then while you're there, they get mad at you when you try to watch the football game on your cell phone. And you're like, "Honey. I love you and all. But on the other hand, fuck you and your Sunday woodchucking. OK? I love you. But could you please stop saying and doing so much stupid stuff? Maybe I should date a woodchuck instead of you. At least woodchucks don't chuck wood, and they're not golddigging whores."