The Girl

I don't know what should I say about that girl- the one that lives in the mirror. Is she my Friend or enemy or just an imagination...

I don't remember the first time I noticed her; was it the 6th standard?? The 8th?? Just yesterday?? Or somehow, I feel like she's been there my whole life- never leaving me in peace, always moving in and out of my mind, at the corner of my eye... vanishing whenever I was happy....she always tried to bring me down....

And in a way I came to hate her...at the same time I couldn't imagine existence without her presence. I looked for her at every moment, expected her to torture me.

That girl lived in the mirror. and that girl was, and always has been me.

All of us have some awful existence. Yet compared to others my torturer wasn't the worst.

When I close my eyes and think far, far back I can only remember the worst feelings of discomfort but if I think far back, I take my self to a time where I was still friends with the girl in the mirror, where she was sometimes my only friend...buddy...helper. that was the time where she could be a comforter instead of my worst enemy.

But then I can forward time from there and my feelings become clearer and sharper; my senses become habituated to find details I wish I'd never noticed. All of a sudden, uncertainties become certainties, good becomes bad and things I once loved about myself I began to hate . The girl in the mirror showed me things I'd never seen before.

Suddenly I see myself....I think I'm so grown up. I became so aware of bodies- not just my own. I master the art- I can hate anything so long as it belongs to me, and desire anything as long as it doesn't.

I hate that girl- the one who that lives in the mirror. I hate her because she taught me to hate me.

I wish I could be happy truly, I do. But I can't imagine living without pain. It's such a crucial part of me. It has shaped me heartlessly but it has made me what I am . And I cannot live for a long without it. My life has been evolved around pain, based on it. Not based on happiness can be so dishonest. Oh, I'm sure we have all felt pleasure but that deep intensely real and permanent happiness isn't something many get to feel often. Yet pain is always true, it's raw and real and you can call upon it so easily like a true friend, it will always be there if you look for it hard enough.