Challenging Conversations

We are often taught to be positive and complementary and to give feedback that people can feel good about. What we often miss, though, is the importance of having challenging conversations. This is commonly seen with administrators, but it is certainly a challenge that instructional coaches can encounter as well. Teachers and coaches also need to be able to have conversations with disengaged students or unprofessional colleagues. We all need to be willing, at some point, to have conversations that might make ourselves or the other person uncomfortable. And it’s not only about addressing issues that are seen, it’s also about building trust between the people we work with. The ability to have and positively receive a challenging conversation helps to build this trust.

When speaking about the need for a challenging conversation, some people will do anything to avoid having it, including allowing whatever behavior to continue. However, the lack of these conversations results in consequences for all stakeholders.

• The behavior, whatever it might be, will continue

• Some educators might notice the behavior and begin to see it as acceptable (after all, it’s not being addressed) so they may do it as well

• The educators that don’t see it as acceptable will be irritated that it’s not addressed

• These differences create an “us vs them” climate

• The trust between colleagues could be broken

• There may be better instruction or teaching that could be happening if the issue is addressed

Challenging conversations also need to be had when there is a question as to why something is being done. For example, the implementation of a new initiative. There is definitely a level of maturity and respect that comes with being able to approach a colleague and ask them why something is happening. The ability to have these challenging conversations will get people facts instead of gossip, increase trust and transparency, and lessen negativity from a lack of information. Although challenging conversations are difficult to have, it is more difficult to work in an environment where gossip and negativity reign due to the inability to ask questions for information.

This kind of conversation holds everybody accountable. Many people want challenging conversations to happen when someone they work with is not pulling their own weight or doing what’s best for kids. Some people want it to happen, but just not to them. However, if trust is built and the climate and culture support feedback for growth, challenging conversations are more likely to be accepted as what they are… a way for everybody to be working toward the best learning environment possible for students.

So, the ability and willingness to not only have a challenging conversation but accept the feedback given to the recipient is important in building trust. What does the willingness to have a challenging conversation say between an educator and coach:

There is trust between us  I trust that you will understand, process, and employ my feedback and put it to good use. Likewise, you trust me to give you feedback when you need to improve, along with asking clarifying questions and for additional explanations.

There is transparency between us I know I can ask you a question when I feel I need more information. I know that you will promote a positive climate by asking instead of assuming.

You believe in me That I can change, I can improve, and I can be better and you’re helping me do that. I believe you have the potential to grow and be even more amazing.

If I lose my way, you’ll help me find it A vital mindset in a coaching relationship.

Challenging conversations are sometimes necessary to support the people around us. Although they are often looked at with a negative connotation, they don’t need to be a negative experience. They can be based on a solid relationship, trust, and transparency, and result in growth and change for all involved. Moreover, they are necessary in order to create an environment where everyone feels supported and is working toward what is best for students.

Read: Sentence Stems for Healthy Conflict

To prepare for a challenging conversation that you know is going to happen, these question prompts can provide a tool for your toolbox. Credit to Elena Aguilar.