My Normal Childhood...

It is often said that your childhood shapes you and your path into the future.

I had a childhood that seems very perfect for any south Indian family, as everyone is built differently and operates in various fashions. Here is my POV, as now I am 22 years old.

Let me share what motivates me to write this article.

I am not able to openly interact with people. My inferiority complex kicks in every single time.

I am not confident about what I can do and what I can be. Self-doubt is an integral part of me.

I am very poor at taking in appreciation or utilising a given opportunity because it takes time for me to accept that it has happened for real.

Now let's start.

The story is that before I was even born, somehow they did not want me much. I was mostly an unwanted person in the state my family was in, struggling for a livelihood as my mom and dad's love stayed together, defying all odds.

Due to unknown cases, I was accepted for life by my parents, and hence my growth in the womb of the most beautiful lady on this planet began. Difficulties were normal for both me and my mother. With a hard-earned MBBS degree, my mother gave me birth with a twisted foot.

I was 3 months old, and my calf was split apart to set my feet right; again, a hefty price tag for that to happen. The first time was not very successful. Another operation followed when I was 6 months old to finally succeed.

I was taken care of as best as possible with all toys and things until I grew up to an age. Fast forward to the neutral parts where you are well taken care of with all hardships in mind again.

When I was in school, I was asked to make friends but was not allowed to attend any of their birthday parties. I was asked to learn singing, dancing, and painting, which I was proficiently good at and yet denied any participation in. At-least a few of them. Thanks to my mother and my grandmother, who supported me. Not to mention, we were still in a state of poverty.

I wish to draw your attention to the mindset of my family, which states firmly, get everything but do not socialize!

Great value addition came to me when I was questioned why I was not a school pupil leader or a house captain. The question hit me hard as I was ready to participate in everything but never gave support from my home.

The wildest being, I was pushed to be a normal person without any medals or Olympiad knowledge, yet remained vaguely just a normal kid.

I was astonishingly good at math and was denied any chance to participate in an olympiad when I was best at it. It often hits me hard that the people who predicted and dictated my future did not even know what all this even meant.

I was once again suppressed, shown no compassion, and only guilt for what I couldn't be, not what I was.I was broken and weak. Then came a time when I was again on a hunt with the lion in me to just get back what all I had lost, sacrificing every ounce of life I had to achieve something unimaginable.

I did it, but again missed what I dearly wanted by just a few days of torture and utterly wrong guidance.

I'm being supressed again, and I'm still broken and hopeless.I had a constant companion through my struggles, a lion that believed in my strength and believed in me. I let it down.

I joined a space tech institute out of sheer guilt of not getting into an IIT. I knew 4 years later I would be blamed for taking this up. I still fought it out, came out on top and did things no one could ever imagine, but in the end, after 4 years, I am compared to someone my mom and dad dearly consider more than me.

Here is a list of things I can confess:

I agree I am not as great as someone my dad considers the best kid of all time, who lives beside my home.

I also agree that I am just a normal student with an infinite passion for technology and space.

I do agree that I am fit for nothing, and totally dependent on my dad for all these good happenings.

I also find it very sad that I am not the reason for the good things happening.

All my life, I was cheated, slaughtered, and stabbed in my emotions and feelings.

I am just 22 and I have thought of suicide more than a dozen times and was on the verge twice.

Thanks for going through my confessions and descriptions, although they are not organized, as you can guess by now, by the chaotic mind of mine and the irregularities of it.

I think I am going to try to keep all these things behind in my life, just to look ahead to a future where I can sustain my life without regret.

If this ever gets into the hands of my dad,

Boss, you have bossed me over the years and expect me to function according to your needs; I have tried and failed repeatedly.I know many only wish to have such support from their families. I have got it and I have lost it.

My life is filled with guilt, and my life is just filled with unfulfilled desires and missed opportunities. I am losing myself now. It is only time that I will wipe out my existence from this world forever with my own hands.

When that happens, I wish to make sure it is none of your fault, it is all mine, and I do not deserve to live. Do not feel sad about my absence, just be happy that I am not collecting more guilt and sadness through my life.

I understand what you wanted me to be. I couldn't be that. I am sorry dad, I lost with you, lost with life and lost everything. I am just that person who is incomplete and trying ever harder to be complete.

I wish my life ended faster and sooner because I do not wish to live. All hopes have been lost, all good in me has been destroyed, all the friends I have are gone. All I can do is weep all my life. Why do that when I can rest my soul by just escaping this world?

PS:

Before I conclude, I wish to say all I love.

I love nature; I love to dance, sing, and paint; I love to run freely; I love to swim and dive; I love to plant trees and see them grow; I love to eat a lot of food; and foremost of all, I love technology and science. I believe it has the power to change the world.

I dreamt of becoming a Nobel laureate, of making revolutionary changes in physics and science. Let's see how far I can get.