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the feeling of falling behind
the feeling of falling behind
"I keep myself unreasonably busy to stave off the fear of death, anxiety, and loneliness."
Growing up in the Bay Area, I became accustomed to hyper-competitiveness and constantly feeling like I'm falling behind. That I have to study harder, be smarter, do more, be more. Before I even realized it, I think comparing myself to my peers and measuring my self-worth with my academics and accolades became a habit that I find extremely difficult to break.
It certainly doesn't help that society encourages this kind of mindset, with college admissions becoming increasingly cutthroat and employers raising their standards for candidates with already stacked resumés. We live in a fast-paced culture, viewing contentment as complacency and blaming people for their lack of success. The American Dreamers will tell us: be great, or be nothing.
Sometimes, I have to repeat to myself "rest is productive" to absolve the guilt I feel for allowing myself to stay still, to stop moving and thinking and working for even one moment.
neglecting my needs
neglecting my needs
"It's been a long time since I've actually taken the time to sit upright and be mindful."
Looking back through the pages of my journal, I see that my health was on a downward spiral. Funny how hindsight is 20/20. I think often, we consider mental health and physical health as two separate things, but in actuality, they are inseparable and closely intertwined. Lifestyle changes, even ones as minor as one less hour of sleep per night, can have a significant impact on one's overall well-being and health. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out.
With that in mind, it's no surprise that neglecting sleep took a huge toll on me. I quote, "I feel more tired, my shoulders are tense, and it feels like I'm constantly carrying a heavy burden. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep, but there's no time." I am simultaneously self-aware and also completely in denial about my state.
Image found on Pinterest.
Overthinking by Vlad Bibik.
thinking, re-thinking
thinking, re-thinking
"It's not wrong to be sensitive, not wrong to be bad with stress. I know that. And yet, the world will punish you so harshly for not being able to roll with the punches, for staying down instead of getting back up for more."
I'm a born pessimist. There's no getting around that fact. Throughout the journal, there's very little sunshine and all dark clouds and thunderstorms. It's only when we're forced to dwell on positive topics like gratefulness that I begrudgingly add some pep to my step. I've always been a glass-half-empty type of person, so it's no surprise that negativity spills onto paper. I have a tendency to focus on the bad, assume the worst, and ruminate over things I can't change.
"I want to be someone who is driven by what's good for me, rather than what I think is good for me."
"I want to be someone who is driven by what's good for me, rather than what I think is good for me."
Image courtesy of Saatchi Art.
reflection
reflection
"I would like to learn how to take better care of myself instead of drowning out all of my emotions with food, friends, and fun. To accept pain rather than pretend it doesn't exist."
Behind Closed Doors by Anthony Falbo.
compassion
compassion
"It's not easy to be healthy--mentally, spiritually, or physically. With every sleepless night, I'm realizing that it actually takes quite a bit of work, and it all starts with loving myself more."
Image courtesy of Saatchi Art.
gratitude
gratitude
"It's been a huge blessing to be able to have less on my plate and more time to be independent and have agency over my life. I truly am blessed, even if I don't realize it most of the time."
admitting that I might have been wrong all this time
admitting that I might have been wrong all this time
An animation by Chirimo I find myself coming back to from time to time when I need to be comforted. Here it is if you have 30 seconds to spare, or if you need comfort.
If you haven't yet, please give the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once a watch, or at least the scene above.
Honestly, I think I have a superiority complex over being a "realist" and a "planner," and I used to look down on the simple life, the people who live for the present without a care for the future. It's like it says in "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" by Urusla K LeGuin:
"The trouble is that we have a bad habit [. . .] of
considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only
pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. [. . .] But to
praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace
violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have
almost lost hold; we can no longer describe happy man,
nor make any celebration of joy."
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The truth is, happy people are not ignorant, nor are they any less complex. As I write these words, I'm reminded of one of my favorite scenes of all time from the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once, which is a celebration of absurdism, kindness, and the simple joys found in our mundane, day-to-day lives.
"You tell me that it's a cruel world, and we're all just
running around in circles. I know that. I've been on this
earth just as many days as you. When I choose to see
the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is
strategic and necessary. [. . .] I know you go through life
with your fists held tight. You see yourself as a fighter.
Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight."
"Identity is a natural manifestation of the incessant human need for narrative storytelling, for analysis and understanding. It's taking chaos and putting it into an order we can understand so we aren't constantly flailing about, trying to find who we are in a largely incomprehensible world."
All this to say, I don't really know what I'm doing. Truth be told, I still have a lot to learn.
Perhaps I've overcome the first hurdle: admitting that I've been chasing after the wrong things. Admitting that fame, fortune, and success are not really going to make me happy, so long as I am constantly comparing myself to others. No matter how many plans I perfectly execute, how many self-constructed lies I tell myself, it's a castle of sand that comes crashing down the moment you add a little bit of turbulence.
The thing I believed would be my downfall is actually the key to happiness: slowing down and living in the moment.
Ironic, I know. But that's life.
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