It was the year 2020 and I was one of the only two kids attending online school in my class. My days flooded into each other, and each day was the same as the last. My life felt meaningless. I woke up, went to school, slept, and repeated that cycle day after day. With no urge to try, my schoolwork tanked and I began cheating. Putting in what little effort I could, I desperately tried to save my grade. To my surprise, I was passing. Now I was floating between the high seventies and low eighties, yet I had no idea what I was being taught. I was an average student on paper, but I looked like a dunce in class. The worst part is, that it did not concern me. I was numb.

My life is meaningless, no one cares, and no one truly loves me, these thoughts lingered in my head day after day. It was as if I was wearing glasses, lenses dirtied to only see how bad my life was. As life’s challenges were amplified, the weight of the world piled on. After a while, I thought of ending it. I thought that if I was such a burden and if my family only loved me because they had to, then there was no point in staying in their lives. I put on a face, an act to show my family that I was alright, but I was not happy. Of course, I am alive today despite the storm that went on in 2020. So what changed?

While attending school online, I filled my time with the popular app, known as TikTok. As I continued this, rather than focusing on school, the various trendy videos that once filled my For You page began to change. I began seeing Christian TikToks pop up repeatedly. It was bizarre that my personalized feed was now showing videos I had no interest in. Countless times I pressed the not interested button, thinking they would disappear, but they stalked me. They endlessly chased me, trying to get me to see something I had no fascination with. Nevertheless these TikToks did affect me. Being constantly flooded with Christian videos, my happiness, love for life, and mindset about reality changed for the better. 

If I was a Christian I should have loved these videos, so why did they bug me? The truth is, these videos exposed me. I was not a Christian but claimed the title. I lived like everybody else. I rarely thought about God or the afterlife and my Bible was dusty. Worst of all because of Covid and my laziness, I was not attending any kind of in-person or online church. By sight, I looked no different than every other teen around me. So these videos instigated me. Every day as my finger gently tapped the screen on my phone scrolling to once again go on social media, there it was, another Christian video. Seeing these videos warned me. They showed me how I was supposed to look. Those very glasses that were dirty were now being cleaned. I could see how messed up I was living. Not only because I saw how I ought to look, but now I saw hope. There was so much more for me than the same everyday life I had. There was an excitement in those videos that I did not have in my life. Above all, the people I watched looked truly happy, something I could not relate to. I wanted what the people in those videos had; I wanted life. 

I wanted to be awakened from my dull and boring routine, and I knew I had to change. The most logical thing I thought to do was follow in the footsteps of my stalkers. I had to make videos to let people know that they were not living right, despite not living right myself. Instead of taking the time to read the Bible, pray, and truly understand the God that kept showing up in my life, I again took the easy way out. I preached to others what I wanted to hear, trying to soothe the wounds of conviction made by previous content creators. I was hurt. Conviction hurt. I was not preaching the truth. I began trying to look like what I saw in those videos. I posted viral TikTok dances to Christian songs, copied videos to earlier ones I had seen, and I had done it. I was perfect. I showed the world that I was a Christian and that I knew what I was talking about, but I did not. I had learned nothing on this quest for life. I looked the right way, but deep down inside I was still numb, still faking it, still tired. My life was the same, but to everyone else, I had the awakening I desperately searched for. 

 I was tired. I was now not only faking it in front of my family, but also the whole world, but this was the only other solution I had found that made me feel somewhat ok. The thoughts of ending my life nevertheless still briefly passed my mind, and still, my family had no idea. One summer evening though it all changed. I searched online for sermons, trying to get inspiration for my next video. I watched to hopefully bring tears to my eyes, to bring to the full effect of my next TikTok. I had watched the first video and my expectations were let down, but the second video touched me. It truly spoke to me, drawing me not to an idea for a video, but to a person. I got the tears I had wanted, but it did not matter anymore. These tears though were genuine. It was not fake; I knew what I had to do. Sitting at my desk I slowly stood and sat on my bed. Folding my hands together, I began the first genuine prayer I had done since I was little. Tears rushed from my eyes, I cried out to God. This was the kind of cry that one would call sobbing. It was all coming out. I said sorry for everything, honestly.

When I finished I felt the peace of the Holy Spirit wash over me. It was finished. My sins were forgiven and I finally felt loved, felt heard, and felt the rest I so desperately needed. He forgave me. He was not mad. Somehow I felt this fact, despite not reading the Bible and it comforted me. I realized nothing I could do could measure up to God, and it did not matter. The thing I desperately chased to fulfill me could only come from God. Nothing else could satisfy me. Not even looking like a Christian. I realized that the excitement I saw in those videos was a relationship, not an act. The people I watched online were the way they were because they had a relationship with the creator of the universe. They were not perfect, but they served a perfect God. This was a relief, the weight was taken off. I did not have to be perfect anymore, yet still, I wanted to share this amazing truth online. This time though, I wanted to share because I finally found the remedy to the sickness that once filled my heart, head, and life. I was healed. 

I was complete. I found the meaning of life, what people look for in money, people, and substances and it was free! I could do nothing to earn it, yet it was all mine. How could I not share this? So that is exactly what I did. This time though it was real. I shared to try and help people understand the amazing God that found me. I did not share to be something I was not, I shared because I had something that I used to long for. It was not immediate, but that day, Jesus started the long process of healing my heart and helping me see love in others. Ending it all was not even a consideration anymore, I had something to live for. Furthermore, I had someone who gave me heaven on earth and heaven after death!

All in all, I can see. My glasses are clear and clean. One can get through life’s challenges alone, but with God, one does not have to endure them alone. This fact changed me. I not only have someone who will stick by me through all things, but also someone who will stay when things get ugly, hard, or even seem impossible. These videos gave me hope, exposed me, led me to make my own videos, and led me to meet God. From there I gave my life to him, and now, I try to help people find God the way God found me. In a place of sorrow, despair, sameness, and never-ending days, those videos were the only thing that kept me from falling apart.