Breaking News: It's Now Legal to Punch People Who Offend you!

Breaking news: it’s now acceptable to slap people who offend you.

In case you missed it, Will Smith hit Chris Rock at the Oscars when Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s baldness (Smith’s wife). Jada Pinkett Smith has been open about her alopecia diagnosis, which has led to her hair loss. After seeing his wife’s reaction to this tasteless joke, Will Smith marched up on stage and socked Rock right in the face.

In light of this incident, Joe Biden has signed a new law into effect: it is now legal to physically assault someone if they make an insensitive comment. Biden spoke on this issue during a briefing, stating, “this law is something we’ve been working on at the White House for awhile. I mean, it’s 2022! It’s unacceptable to make offensive comments, and if you do, you deserved to be punched.”

Indeed, what is a better way to teach someone how to be a model citizen than to hit them when they say something remotely insensitive.

NHS Student Rucha, who requested her last name be kept private for her own safety, agrees, saying, “I completely agree with president Biden. Saying mean things is really bad. Physical violence is always my go to solution.”

Maddie Edwards, another NHS senior, is grateful for this new law. “Thanks Biden! Yesterday, I told my friend that I hated her shirt, and she broke my arm. While this might seem negative, I feel like I’ve really learned my lesson and I will NEVER say that again!

However, not everyone, believe it or not, supports Biden’s decision. Some say that the law is just another rule made by “woke” liberals who want to suppress the rights guaranteed in the Constitution.

An anonymous student falls under this group, complaining, “First the gas prices, now this. Stupid liberal snowflakes not even allowing free speech anymore. What happened to upholding the beliefs of our founding fathers? Ben Franklin, Jefferson, Hamilton, Kanye. Notice how Biden isn’t on that list? Sit on that for a second.”

Regardless of different opinions, experts expect an increase in emergency room visits since physical assault is now legal in many situations. They warn hospitals to be ready for a surge of people with broken bones and bruises. Biden encourages doctors to shame such people, because “these are people who have offended someone! Make sure you make them know how disgusted you are by their behaviors.”

Well, there you have it folks! Now if someone makes an insensitive comment directed at you or a loved one, feel free to punch them, it’s legal.