The Hilltopper

Needham High School's Student Newspaper Since 1957

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April Fools Edition 2025

Courtesy of iStock

BREAKING: ‘Senioritis’ Actually Widespread Mono Outbreak, Team Finds

By Ben Fogler

The chronic fatigue plaguing Needham High seniors has been identified as a mononucleosis epidemic, an investigative committee reported Friday. Affectionately dubbed ‘senioritis’ by faculty and students alike, the exhaustion and lack of academic engagement was universally attributed to a combination of burnout and acceptance into institutions of higher education. However, concerns arose within the administration when measures taken to treat senioritis showed no effect.

Courtesy of American Standard

Study Shows Toilets Seats Less Gross than Pillow Cases: Entrepreneur Releases New Toilet Seat Pillows

By Emily Flanagan

A recent study conducted by Amerisleep reports that pillow cases actually accumulate more bacteria than toilet seats. Since the release of the study, a new fatigue has overtaken the nation’s health enthusiasts, who are afraid to sleep on their once-beloved pillows.

Courtesy of Alamy

Why Mr. Flaggert Should Rule The School: A Case for Absolute Classroom Monarchy

By Emma Zhang

In every institution, there arises a leader so profound, so indisputably powerful, that the only logical conclusion is to hand them absolute control. At Needham High School, that leader is none other than Mr. Flaggert, the enigmatic, all-knowing, khaki-wearing beacon of wisdom who haunts the far corner of the 700s. It is time we cast aside the shackles of democracy, and elect Mr. Flaggert as the supreme ruler of the school.

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