Marriage

Marriage is between one man and one woman, who are both free to marry. Marriage is something created by God and thus cannot be changed by man; it is not that the Church will not change this, it is that the Church cannot change this. "Free to marry" means a number of things but one of the main things it means today is that there is no "prior bond" -- no other marriage bond or religious "commitment" like Holy Orders, for example. Free to marry means that both fiancés are ready to freely and sincerely commit to each of the elements of marriage -- not just any arrangement but to marriage. This means that the person commits freely without any coercion or pressure, is willing to have children, and is committing themselves to a lifelong, exclusive union, until death do you part -- not something transient or as long as things are going well.

Contact the priest at least 6 months before your planned wedding date to arrange and begin marriage preparation.

Marriage Preparation

Marriage prep is not, by any means, meant to be a grueling punishment! Marriage is something created by God and it is the Church's hope that people engage in and live out a happy and fulfilling marriage, as intended by God, which ultimately leads them to Heaven. To that end, it is the Church's God-given duty to help couples prepare for this joyful yet solemn, serious, and lifelong commitment.

Marriage prep at these parishes will consist primarily of completing and going through the "FOCCUS," meeting with the priest probably 5 to 6 times, and taking a Natural Family Planning (NFP) class, as well as some minor paper work. In the case where one person is not Catholic, we will have to obtain permission/dispensation from the diocese/Bishop. This is not hard but it needs to be done sooner rather than later -- it is part of the "paper work."

FOCCUS is a company that has done research into what issues commonly come up in marriages and based on that research, they have devised a questionnaire of about 100 to 150 questions that both fiancés complete -- separately/ independently/ individually. It is done online, at your convenience. It does not take all that long -- maybe an hour or so. The responses to the questions are just: Agree, Disagree, Undecided. After meeting with the priest, he will set this up for you and you will receive an email from FOCCUS with instructions on how to proceed. After both of you have completed it, FOCCUS will send a notification to the priest that it has been completed and the priest will then meet with you to go through it. This is not a test to determine if you can get married or not. It really is only intended to help you prepare for marriage by discussing things that come up regularly in marriages.

Use of artificial contraception, even within marriage, is a grave violation of the moral law, i.e., a serious offense against God. Natural Family Planning (NFP) is a morally acceptable way to delay or space out children in the case of a serious need to do so. It consists of refraining from the marital act during the woman's fertile period. NFP classes, then, are mostly focused on being able to recognize that period. Although NFP is often used in the event that the birth of a new child needs to be delayed, the method is also useful for conceiving in the event of difficulty in conceiving. NFP classes are offered in various locations throughout the Diocese of Sioux Falls, including Brookings and Sioux Falls. A list of locations and people to contact is given here: https://www.sfcatholic.org/familylife/area-nfp-instructors-physicians/. Pick the one you would like to go to and contact the person listed to find out times and meeting locations.

Cohabitation -- Living Together Outside of Marriage

Is living together outside of marriage a problem? The short answer is yes, although it is not a formal impediment to marriage. To answer this question fully, we will begin with canon law -- the law of the Church. Canon 1058 says that all can contract marriage who are not prohibited by law. Who is prohibited by law? There are a number of "impediments" that can prevent a couple from marrying -- for example if they are too closely related. But the most common thing pertaining to "prohibited by law" would be a prior bond, i.e., the person is already married, or at least putatively so.

While a couple does have a right to marry provided that they are not "prohibited by [canon] law," that does not mean that living together outside of marriage or more generally sexual relations outside of marriage are somehow ok. It is not. Marriage and sexuality were created by God and they reflect the very inner of life of God, of the Trinity: the Father gives Himself completely to the Son, and the Son receives the Father completely; and from the bond of love between the Father and Son proceeds a third person -- the Holy Spirit. If this sounds a lot like marriage and family life, it is. Thus, marriage, sexuality, and family life are something sacred, which means for one thing that they are not to be treated casually; sexuality is not just "fun and games." It is to be lived out within the context of a sacred bond, permanent in this lifetime. This also reflects the life of God. The unity of the Trinity is absolute. The (marriage) bond is to be formed first, then expressed (in one way) through the marital act (sexuality). To do otherwise, is to treat that which is sacred as casual, no big deal, just a satisfaction of my own desires, not a total giving of oneself to the other person.

Thus, couples need to refrain from sexual activity outside of marriage. If you are living together, the best thing is to separate before marriage. At the very least, you need to live celibately prior to marriage.

Immorality always leads to practical problems as well. Research has shown that couples living together prior to marriage have a substantially higher divorce rate than those who do not. Look it up for yourself. The USCCB website is one place that provides resources: https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/marriage-preparation-and-cohabiting-couples. It should not be surprising that cohabitating couples experience a higher divorce rate because cohabitation is saying: well I don't want to give myself completely to you in a lifelong commitment, I just want the enjoyment that I get from being with you. It is intrinsically (even if unintentionally) centered on self rather than the true good and/or the true good of the other. Cohabitating couples, then, have already formed the habit of being in this way, of thinking and living in this way (maybe without even realizing it). Thus, a mindset that is completely contrary to marriage, the exact opposite of what marriage is, has already been formed as a habit when the couple gets married. Even if they stay together, they will not know the heights of true marital love and unity (or oneness).

Couples living together outside of marriage are also often (not always, but often) not going to Mass every Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation. The two things are highly correlated. If this is the case, then stop and thoughtfully ask yourself: why am I even coming to the Church for marriage? That's not a challenge, it is hopefully a question that you will seriously ponder.

Confirmation

Canon 1065, paragraph 1, of Canon law states the following: "Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before they are admitted to marriage if it can be done without grave inconvenience." Thus, it is the Church's expectation that Catholics be confirmed before getting married.

Baptismal certificates

Baptismal certificates will be needed for each person, provided that they are baptized. This often creates confusion. For a Catholic, this does not mean the keepsake certificate that your parents received at the time of your baptism. You will need to contact the parish where you were baptized and ask them to send an annotated baptismal certificate (annotated means that it lists all of the sacraments that you have received up to the date it was issued). You can have it sent either to you (and then you bring it to the parish/priest) or directly to the parish / priest where you are doing marriage prep. It is better to do this early on during the marriage prep but at the same time, the certificate must be "current" -- which means that it is not issued any earlier than 6 months prior to your wedding. So, for example, if you were getting married in June it should be issued/obtained sometime during or after January of that same year, and before June. The reason it needs to be "current" is so that the annotations are current. The keepsake certificate that your parents received when you were baptized will not list any other sacraments you have received since then. Another note is that if you were, for example, confirmed at a parish other than the parish you were baptized at, that should not matter -- you shouldn't need to contact any other parishes where you received other sacraments because parishes are always supposed to notify the parish where you were baptized of any sacraments you have received; in other words, your baptismal parish is supposed to have all of your sacramental records recorded and they will indicate that on the baptismal certificate they send.

Confession

All Catholics should make a good Confession prior to their wedding. Even canon law states that this should be part of preparation for matrimony; canon 1065, paragraph 2, states: "To receive the sacrament of marriage fruitfully, spouses are urged especially to approach the sacraments of penance and of the Most Holy Eucharist." It is probably obvious why this is. The sacrament of marriage bestows grace -- actual aid from God -- to live out the married life according to the will of God. But to receive this sacramental grace, a person has to be in a state of grace. Furthermore, the Sacrament of Confession gives a person a good, clean, fresh start -- the slate is wiped clean. Why a person would not want to enter into marriage with this clean slate would be difficult to understand. You are doing this not only for yourself but for your spouse and your future family as well; and most importantly, for our Lord, and without His help, you cannot build a good, truly fulfilling marriage. Here again, if this is not what you want, then ask yourself, in a serious way, why it is you are coming to the Church for marriage.

Wedding Planning

Even if you do your marriage prep elsewhere (for example if you're living somewhere else) and even if you are having a priest other than the pastor or an associate at one of these parishes officiate your wedding, your wedding planning must be done with a priest of these parishes. Contact the priest of the parish to make an appointment to do this. Make sure you do this before printing a program; a month or 6 weeks prior to your wedding is generally soon enough.

Some General Notes on Weddings:

• Marriages will be celebrated according to the rubrics (instructions) of the Church at these parishes.

• Priests from outside the parish: if a priest acts contrary to what has been laid out by the pastor, or if he preaches anything contrary to the faith during the Mass or marriage rite, he will not be given permission to celebrate a marriage in these parishes in the future.

• Dispensation from form: A dispensation from form means that the Church, through the authority of the Bishop, has granted a dispensation from the law of the Church (canon law) for the couple to be married outside of the Church, outside of "Catholic form." When this is done, it is most often for a mixed marriage (a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic). If you get a dispensation and plan to be married in a non-Catholic church, one suggestion (and it's only a suggestion) is to put a small note in your invitations and/or program stating that you have received a dispensation. You might be surprised at how many faithful Catholics ask if they can attend the wedding of a Catholic getting married outside of the Church. If you have a dispensation, then, why not just let people know and settle their minds? An example of what this note could say would be something as simple as: We have been granted a dispensation from Catholic form by Bishop ___________ of the Roman Catholic Diocese of _____________. You are welcome to copy and paste this statement exactly as is, if you like. Just fill in the blanks with the appropriate names.

• Have someone to clean up afterwards -- pick up decorations, make sure things aren't left on the floor or in the pews, and so on. If you have moved something, make sure you are prepared to put things back where they were.

• While marriages are certainly a joyful celebration, they are, at the same time, solemn and must be celebrated with due reverence and solemnity, especially in the presence of our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Some of the implications of that are:

  • • • In the happiness of the moment, people often come up with many ideas to make the day memorable. That's understandable and all well and good. But please tell your wedding parties and others that, while there is a time and place for things like jokes or tricks, the Church, Mass, and the Marriage Rite are not it. There's plenty of opportunities for this elsewhere.

      • Please do what you can to have people maintain a reverent silence in the church, especially prior to Mass or the Marriage Rite.

• No unity candles, unity sand, or any other "signs of unity" that are extraneous to the Marriage Rite of the Church.

Many people think that unity candles, and all the other variations of it that have come along, are actually part of the Catholic marriage rite. They are not. The Catholic Marriage Rite has its own signs of unity, namely consent (the exchange of vows) and the exchange of rings; consent is what actually forges the marriage bond. Adding other symbols is not only contrary to the instructions given by the Church but it also detracts from the signs that the Church herself gives. Here again, there are plenty of opportunities for these sort of things elsewhere if you'd like to have them. For example, if you wanted to have a unity candle and some little ceremony that went along with it, right before your meal at the reception might be an ideal time and place for it.

• Only people in processions. No signs, peddle tractors, wagons, pets, etc. -- only people in the wedding procession.

• Children in processions: unless accompanied by an adult, no children in the procession under the age of 5. Everyone wants to argue about this every time, stating with great assurance that it will work out. It has never, not once, worked out. If you want to have a ring bearer or flower girl in the procession who is under 5 years of age, have an adult that will accompany them down the aisle.

• Music: only music in the parish's missalette, as well as instrumentals provided by the priest, are permitted. Even if you are having the Marriage Rite outside of Mass: 1) you are still in a sacred place and in the presence of our Lord, and 2) a sacrament is still being celebrated. Thus, all music must be sacred music, which means music set aside for God and the worship of God. This means, for example, no pop music, no movie or TV theme songs or music, no country songs, and so on. Here again, if these are things you like and want to have somewhere on your wedding day, the reception would be a good place for them, but not the church or the marriage rite or Mass. *(List of Hymns)*

• The Church has selected readings for weddings for you to choose from. The priest will provide them and then you choose from the "list" provided. Like for a Sunday Mass, there is a first reading, responsorial Psalm, second reading, and Gospel. *(List of Readings)*

• Photography and Video Recording: No flash photography during Mass or the Marriage Rite. This has never been a problem. No photographers or videographers in the sanctuary during Mass or the Marriage Rite. Please ask photographers and videographers (if you have one) to be as discreet as possible.

• Couples, at least at these 3 parishes, have rarely hired a wedding planner and you do not need one for the actual wedding -- i.e., at the church. If you do hire one and if they do come to the wedding and/or rehearsal, it is imperative that they understand that they do not direct the wedding, the choir or organist, the wedding party, and so on. This is the role of the priest. They are not to attempt to undermine or override or modify the priest's instructions in any way. Unfortunately the mindset of "I can do whatever I want" is so prevalent today that this has to be stated very clearly; it is not meant to be harsh, it is just meant, out of necessity, to be clear and firm so as to eliminate any confusion or uncertainty.

• Wedding dresses need to be modest and appropriate for Mass and for being in the presence of our Lord. Unfortunately no one seems to know what modest means today so some explanation and examples will be given. Dresses should not be low cut in the front; they should more or less cover the shoulders or at least come with some sort of shawl that covers the shoulders, they should cover most of the back, and they should not be cut high above the knee. It should be something:

Modesty has largely become a bad word in our society today -- to our detriment, to the detriment of marriage, and thus to the detriment of society. Why modesty? Modesty is fitting (or appropriate) at all times, but especially so at your wedding. You are entering into an exclusive love relationship, one that is only to be shared between you and your spouse. It is meant to reflect the kind of relation that our Lord wants with us. As such it is a deeply personal and intimate one. It is not one that is to be shared with anyone else, it is exclusive. Although you do and will love others, not in this way. It is so intimate and personal that it is to be expressed in a bodily way as well, and only with or for your spouse. Immodest dress is a sort of betrayal of what is meant only for your spouse. If someone wants to save money on a dress by using less material, they might as well take that money and invest it in a divorce lawyer right away if, what is meant only for your husband, is revealed to everyone. Modesty is an important part of marriage. Without it, even if you manage to stay together and maybe think you get what you want, you will not know the true and complete fulfillment, goodness, peace, security, and happiness that marriage is meant to bring. Don't be afraid of modesty, it is not your enemy, it is a loyal friend that will hold true. If others laugh, mock, or ridicule -- pray for them. They need it.