Overlooked. Quiet. Independent. Forgotten…

These are a few examples of stereotypes that come to mind when we hear the word “Middle Child”. They are often painted as too old to be looked after, or too young to be taken seriously. In some families, the oldest child’s achievements are often celebrated, while the youngest is pampered with all their needs and demands–leaving the middle child, well, “in the middle”. Their achievements might be celebrated with smiles and greetings, but not with the same enthusiasm. After all, since the oldest did it first, the second, third, and so on will follow. 

“The Middle Child Syndrome” is not a real medical or psychological diagnosis. However, it is a concept often linked to Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory, which explains how a child’s ordinal position in the family influences their personality and behavior.

Adler believes that even though siblings grow up in the same household, their ordinal position greatly impacts their psychological development. Adler’s example is: The oldest are dominant and responsible due to the high expectations placed on them from their environment, especially by their parents. The youngest are often spoiled and coddled, which makes them appear more privileged than the other siblings since they are often given what they want. The middle child, on the other hand, is usually independent and cooperative; however, has trouble fitting in due to being “in between” their older and younger siblings. 

Middle children are said to feel invisible or less valued. This leads them to seek attention in different ways. Some act out and ‘rebel’, determined to get noticed—thus, creating a situation called  “sibling rivalry” between the siblings. On the other hand, some try to be peacemakers to keep the family stable, while others withdraw from their families and live in their own world or existence.

However, these are where their strengths come in. Being always “in between” teaches them how to adapt, compromise, and negotiate at a young age. And because of these, most middle children become overachievers and are successful in life.  If they are properly guided and motivated, their lack of attention becomes a crucial factor for them to strive to achieve more and be noticed more.  Those skills are very important in fostering beyond their family, leveraging on the strong social skills they’ve honed by navigating between older and younger siblings and others, like friends and other people. 

Independence is also another skill which they possess. While their parents are often too focused on the eldest's achievements and the youngest’s needs, they are here learning how to stand on their own feet. While the eldest are being pressured on responsibility and what should be done, the youngest are always being guided. The middle child can learn how to make confident decisions on their own and is comfortable with being independent. 

However, every family is different and has different dynamics. Environment, parenting styles, and age gaps between siblings also play a crucial role. In some families, there is no “sibling rivalry” because every child supports one another as much as their parents do. What matters is being treated equally and learning how to communicate within the family and loved ones unconditionally.

Stereotypes can also lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. Labelling someone as “The Overlooked Middle Child” does not allow us to view their story when it matters just as much as everyone else’s. You never know, beneath all those labels, there may be a person who is adaptable, emotionally strong, resilient, and confident. 

Because not all strength screams loudly. And not all leadership demands attention.