The Ballad Of Fireberry Wine

Hot Stuff

This piece was written as an answer to a question posed by a player in a humorous RP that involved a fantasy cookoff.

Well, a Smoky Joe was a ridin’ around,

When he rolled on into town.

So he found a bar where he walked on in,

And he put his money down.

And he told the 'tender in a tinny voice,

"I love my licker pal",

And his eyes roamed 'round the barroom then,

Jest, lookin’ fer a gal.

Well there wernt no gals, just a few old men,

And they all looked pretty sozzled.

Then he looked back up at the 'tender’s shelves,

To see the liquors bottled.

One space on the shelf really drew his eye,

For ‘twas under lock and key,

With a fire button right next to it,

And a bible underneath.

So he said "say pardner what’s the hullaballoo,"

" ‘Bout that bottle locked down tight ?"

And the 'tender sighed and frowned and shrugged,

n’ mumbled: "Sum things ain’t right."

"Oh Oh ?" cried out old Smoky Joe,

"Bartender what do you mean ?"

"I’ve been in many a bar my friend",

"But such I’ve never seen."

Once more the tender shrugged and sighed,

and then he reached down to his side,

For if each key has a lock,

Then this one goes to a liquor crock.

Well he got it loose and got it down

He lifted it up and showed it around

Then he turned the bottle around real slow

So all the markings would clearly show

A skull and crossbones on the neck,

With eyes that glowed, what the heck.

A nuclear symbol on the cork,

A devil holding a pitchfork.

There were stickers on the bottle you see

From the BATF and the AEC

From the Sturgeon General one could be found,

In fact there were stickers all around.

And just like a trigger lock on a gun,

The top of the bottle had a similar one,

So the tender reached down for its key,

And released this lock for all to see.

Then he carefully put the bottle down,

Behind him out of reach

And scanned the room of gentle folk

With eyes that did beseech

He reached beneath the counter then

Bringin’ out a wooden box

Inside it was a HazMet mask,

And medicine for shock.

So then he donned the well used mask,

And he put on gloves as well.

Then found himself a corkscrew,

And opened the bottle from Hell.

"Sorry Smoky this ain’t for you",

"I hate to let you down."

For at about that time,

another patron came around.

He was a leather lizard,

An Earthen Dragon in fact,

He stepped up to the counter,

he coughed and then he hacked.

"I’ll have a Fireberry Wine,"

He said in a deep smooth voice,

And so the 'tender poured him one,

No water and no ice.

And the leather fellow stared at it,

For a loooooong time with a frown.

He drank it in a single swig,

And slammed that jigger down.

And then he stood there blinkin’,

And breathin’ mighty slow,

His eyes began to get real big,

His nose began to glow.

That leather lizard turned around,

And silence ruled the gloom,

Then suddenly he snorted flames,

And smoke filled up the room,

A wheezing inhalation,

Another snort of flame,

A billowing of greasy smoke,

And snorting once again.

And then they heard the dragon gasp,

He sounded like he’d die

And then he hiccuped once or twice

And gave a pleasant sigh..

He sagged against the counter,

He slid down to the floor,

He shuddered for some minutes there,

He crawled on out the door.

And then from in the street was heard,

A scream as from the grave.

A dragon in pure agony,

Has survived one more shave.

Now 'tender pushed the button,

And mighty fans kicked on,

They sucked the air right from the room,

And soon the smoke was gone.

"Old scaley comes in every day,"

The 'tender drily drawled

And then he locked the bottle up,

Again, upon the wall.

"Say hey I want to taste that,"

The 'tender just refused,

"That button's for the Dragon, son"

"This Bible’s here, for you."