In Moorabbin there used to be a supermarket with very narrow aisles.
The aisles were so narrow that, if pets were allowed in the supermarket, it would have been impossible to squeeze three Lucy dogs of a certain width abreast in them.
Well nobody had to worry about that particular problem because Lucy dogs weren't allowed in supermarkets - by law.
Not mother-by-law or father-by-law and not even "mother-in-law" or "father-in-law" either.
No this was simply "by law" which means the laws apply to everyone and every dog.
In the supermarket everybody had to walk in Indian file down the aisles. They couldn't even walk in a crocodile. Which was just as well because this was an Australian supermarket and crocodiles in Australia are quite bitey.
But not only did they have to walk Indian file down the aisles but because the aisles were so narrow you couldn't pass people coming the other way.
Management had to put up signs to organize the shoppers. The signs said "no overtaking or passing on bridge".
They knew these weren't quite the right signs and had wanted signs that said "no overtaking or passing in aisles".
But the sign-maker had never made anything but "no overtaking or passing on bridge" signs and wasn't prepared to make a different sort of sign.
Management took the sign-maker to court but the judge ruled that the sign-maker was right to make signs that everyone knew would work. Tried and true signs were needed the judge ruled.
The judge pointed out that because the aisles were so narrow people had to pause as they entered an aisle to make sure nobody was coming the other way just like you do on a narrow bridge.
And if you tried it was true just as the judge said. Also if you forgot something you had go to the end of the aisle turn around and try to go back down the aisle again.
Management did try to use one-way traffic rules but that didn't work. People couldn't remember if they should go around clockwise or anti-clockwise. Also if they forgot something they didn't want to go right back to the beginning - wherever that was - and start all over again.
So what happened was that some people went one way while others went the other way and where they met in the middle was as confusing as the Sargasso Sea.
There were stories of some people being stuck in the Sargasso-sea-aisles for days on end. When they emerged they said they had felt like becalmed turtles. Those who were stuck repeatedly – and there were some – were nicknamed the supermarket-turtles.
There were stories about people who never came home from work or school; others who didn't get home in time to eat their brussels sprouts; and others who were never able to play sports because they could never get to the venue on time.
Then one day management made an important announcement. The supermarket was to be closed for 3 months and when it re-opened it would have aisles 3 times wider than the old supermarket.
Everybody rejoiced. Well most people did but there were a few who didn't. Some realized that they'd have to find other ways to avoid brussels sprouts.
Everyone watched the new supermarket being built with great interest. Even though they had to do their shopping in other suburbs they still made time to watch as the new supermarket took shape.
They didn't like shopping in other suburbs. They found the supermarkets so differently organized that that it was very difficult to find all the things they needed. Also the people in the other suburbs were strangely shaped and the people from Moorabbin felt out of place.
As they watched the supermarket taking shape some of them realized that the aisles weren't going to be as wide as they had been promised.
One night some of the children crept into the supermarket and measured out the size of the aisles if the same number of rows of shelves were to be used. And sure enough they found it was true. There simply would not be wider aisles than in the old supermarket.
Everybody was disconcerted. They were so disconcerted they set up an orchestra which they called the disconcerted concert orchestra.
It was made up of people who muttered, people who babbled, people who shouted and people who whined. The shouters were the percussion section of the orchestra, the whiners formed the wind section, the mutterers the strings and the babblers the brass.
On some nights when a lot of people got together they made a full orchestra although without a conductor.
The absence of a conductor was not really a problem. Normally the absence of a conductor would disconcert an orchestra but as the people in this orchestra were already disconcerted the absence had the opposite effect. They all muttered, babbled, shouted and whined in beautiful harmony.
But anyway while the orchestra played the children thought and thought. They thought about all sorts of things. They thought about why orchestras were called orchestras, why okra is a vegetable but orcas aren't and whether yo yos yo.
But most of all they thought about how narrow the aisles in the new supermarket were going to be.
And they thought about what they could do to make the aisles wider.
Eventually they came up with a plan. This was this.
They knew that each day people would come to the supermarket to erect the new shelves. The shelving erectors would carefully position one new row of shelves and return the next day to erect another. Before they left they would mark with chalk lines where the next lot of shelves were to be put.
The children decided that they could increase the width of the aisles by rubbing out the chalk marks and replacing them with new ones a little further apart. Actually quite a bit further.
So each day the shelving people erected one row, drew the chalk marks for the next day, locked up and left.
But each night the children carefully rubbed out the chalk marks, measured out some new ones and left.
After several nights and days the shelving people erected all the shelves that would fit. They left thinking that it was a bit odd that they had several rows of shelving spare but as they couldn't work out why, they left.
Next management came to fill the shelves. To their surprise they found that they didn't have enough shelves for all the things that needed to go into the supermarket.
They tried calling the shelving people back but they were too busy doing other jobs.
Management could think of nothing else to do but leave something out of the supermarket.
Just as the children had done before, they thought and they thought.
But unlike the children they didn't think about why orchestras were called orchestras, why okra is a vegetable but orcas aren't and why yo yos yo.
Instead they thought about chicken livers, washing powder, toiletries and all the other things you find in a supermarket.
After quite a long time - in fact much more time than the children had thought they decided to leave out all the party foods – the chips and chocolates and sweet biscuits [as well as the party hats].
Now most of the people in Moorabbin are very happy. They have a new supermarket with very wide aisles and no one gets lost in the Sargasso sea-aisles anymore.
This means that everybody comes home on time, eats their brussels sprouts and are able to play sport on time.
In addition to all that, the people who live in Moorabbin are now the same shape as the people in other suburbs because they no longer eat chips and chocolates and sweet biscuits [though they never ate party hats].
Some of the children realized that if the old supermarket had not had chips and chocolates and sweet biscuits [as well as party hats] the people of Moorabbin would have been able to fit in the aisles of the old supermarket very easily.
But if they'd mentioned it before then there would never have been a disconcerted concert orchestra, signs that said "no overtaking or passing on bridge", supermarket-tortoises and all that.
On the other hand they would have had party hats.
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