Humor & Wisdom

A little Dog Gone Good Humor about our dogs.

· And God said, "Because I have created this animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

· The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of this tongue - Anonymous

· Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

· If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

· There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

· A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

· The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

· We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

· Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud

· I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

· A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

· Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news item, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. - Dave Bery

· Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

· If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber

· If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

· My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

· Ever Consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Ann Tyler

· Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robery A. Heinlein

· Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. - Dave Miliman

· If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

· You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you back a look that says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

· Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

· If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

· My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. - Unknown

· We agonize over what we don’t have. Dogs appreciate what they do have. - Unknown

· Fish must swim, Birds must fly & Dogs must walk. ~Cesar Millan

· If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. ~Phil Pastoret

· Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~Roger Caras

· A dog is one who possesses Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man, without his Vices. -Unknown

· Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. ~Franklin P. Jones

· Happiness is a warm puppy. ~Charles M. Schulz

· If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. ~Author Unknown

· Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard

· If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience. ~Woodrow Wilson

· To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace. ~Milan Kundera

· A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ~Josh Billings

· I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. ~Penny Ward Moser

· The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. ~Margo Kaufman

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

· I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ~Rita Rudner

· Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs. ~Jerome K. Jerome

· The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!" ~Dave Starr

· Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs.~Martha Scott

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

· Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

· Border Collie:(Okie) Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

· Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

· Rottweiler: Make me.

· Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

· Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

· German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter

patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

· Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

· Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

· Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

· Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

· Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ..

· Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

· Australian Cattle Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle

· Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

· Pug: Zzzzzzz.

· The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner,

and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

Faithful:

With eye upraised his master’s look to scan,

The joy, the solace, and the aid of man:

The rich man’s guardian and the poor man’s friend,

The only creature faithful to the end.

--George Crabbe.

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.