Starless Trekless: A Parody.
INT. SPACE -- The starship USS MELVIN flying along. A COLOSSAL NEGATIVE SPACE WEDGIE appears.
INT. MELVIN BRIDGE
CONN OFFICER
Captain Robau, there's a colossal negative space wedgie forming off the port bow. Shall I a) move away, b) get us out of here, or c) do nothing?
ROBAU
Hmm...
An ENORMOUS BIG THING starts to emerge from the SPACE WEDGIE.
CONN
A, B or C?
ROBAU
...
GEORGE KIRK
Hey! I've got a pregnant wife aboard.
ROBAU
...C. I'm responsible for 115 minutes of film remaining, Mr Kirk!
The ENORMOUS BIG THING blows the crap out of the MELVIN.
COMM
We're being hailed.
ALBINO DARTH MAUL
(on screen)
Hi. Why don't you send your captain over in a shuttlecraft so we can ask him some questions we could ask just as easily right now?
ROBAU
I'll be right over. Kirk, you've got the con.
ROBAU flies over to the ENORMOUS BIG THING.
INT. ENORMOUS BIG THING
ALBINO DARTH MAUL
What time is it?
ROBAU
Howdy Doody time?
CAPTAIN NEMO
Wrong answer!
ROBAU
Quarter past a freckle?
NEMO kills ROBAU as a substitute for CHARACTERIZATION.
INT. MELVIN
INT. ESCAPE POD
HE DOES.
An ENORMOUS FASCIST STARFLEET INSIGNIA appears to signify the passage of TIME.
EXT. IOWA -- GRAND CANYON II
A SHINY RED SUPERSTOCK DODGE driven by JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK, age 10, roars by.
INT. DODGE
KIRK drives the DODGE into the GRAND CANYON but JUMPS OUT at the last MOMENT.
EXT. VULCAN
INT. VULCAN SCHOOL FOR VULCANS
LI'L SPOCK beats the VULCAN SNOT out of the VULCAN PUNKS.
NEWSWEEK passes.
EXT. IOWA
INT. POOKICKER BAR
STARFLEET CADETS beat KIRK bloody.
INT. SPACE-TYPE SHUTTLE BUS
INT. STARFLEET DISPATCH CENTER, THREE YEARS LATER
MCCOY THROWS UP.
INT. SPACE
SHUTTLECRAFT flying up to the ENTERPRISE in SPACE DOCK.
INT. SHUTTLECRAFT
He gives KIRK a stick of WONKA CHEWING GUM. KIRK inflates like a BALLOON and MCCOY rolls him into SICK BAY.
Exit MCCOY.
INT. BRIDGE
SECURITY throws KIRK off the ENTERPRISE. He eventually lands on HOTH.
EXT. HOTH
CGI SNOW MONSTERS attack KIRK until he's rescued by DUSTY OLD SPOCK.
INT. REPURPOSED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
INT. REPURPOSED BREWERY
KIRK materializes ALONE next to a BEER VAT.
INT. BRIDGE
ENTER KIRK AND SCOTT.
BOB ORCI checks off another Star Trek reference on his tally sheet.
INT. ENORMOUS BIG THING
KIRK and SPOCK materialize.
He SHOOTS THEM.
INT. ENTERPRISE TRANSPORTER ROOM
KIRK, SPOCK and PIKE materialize.
INT. BRIDGE
NEMO is on the VIEWSCREEN.
The ENTERPRISE blows the GRATUITOUS CRAP out of the IMPLODING ENORMOUS BIG THING, which is then FLUSHED.
They JETTISON and DETONATE the WARP CORE, which EXPLODES WITH THE BRILLIANCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS like unto the DEATH STAR combined with the ENORMOUS BIG THING from INDEPENDENCE DAY.
GOOGLE NEWS AGGREGATOR PASSES.
INT. STARFLEET
GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY removes his rubber mask.
INT. STARFLEET TRAIN STATION
END CREDITS.
ROBAU
Even dead I'm more awesome than you.
CAPTAIN NEMO
Sh'up!
GEORGE KIRK
Well, crap. Abandon ship! I'll defend the escape pods with my mad first-person-shooter skills and die heroically.
MRS. KIRK
If you do, I'll name the baby after your father.
BABY KIRK
Waa! I don't want to be named Tiberius!
GEORGE KIRK
Let's name him after your father.
BABY KIRK
Waa! I don't want to be named James!
MR & MRS KIRK
What would you prefer?
BABY KIRK
...Austin Danger.
MRS KIRK
James Tiberius it is.
GEORGE KIRK
Hey honey! Watch me crash the MELVIN in such as fashion as to avoid rupturing the warp core and blowing this enormous big thing to bits.
SURVIVORS
Seriously?!
BOB ORCI
Shut up!
NEWSWEEK
So long, sucker.
LOU DOBBS
(climbs out, throws down his shovel)
Well if this don't keep 'em out, nothing will!
LITTLE EXTREMELY OLD LADY FROM PASADENA
(V.O., on antique NOKIA car phone)
You get back here, you little twerp!
HIGHWAY PATROLMAN RODDENBERRY
Rats.
CAPTION
Vulcan. Planet Vulcan.
VULCAN TESTING COMPUTER
What is the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything?
LI'L SPOCK
42.
COMPUTER
Correct. What is the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything?
LI'L SPOCK
How many ways are there to leave your lover?
COMPUTER
Correct.
PAUL SIMON
No, it's fifty.
BOB ORCI
Shut up! Alternate reality!
VULCAN PUNKS
(to LI'L SPOCK, not BOB ORCI)
Your mom's illogical.
IOWA
Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain—
BOB ORCI
Hah! What'd I tell you?
JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK
(to UHURA)
You're a Starfleet cadet. Why are you here when there's nothing Starfleet around but a vehicle assembly plant?
BOB ORCI
Stop asking questions! Get him, boys!
CAPTAIN CHRISTOPHER PIKE
Now cut that out! Kirk, your father was a starship captain for twelve minutes.
KIRK
Mom says that's the longest he ever spent in the saddle.
PIKE
Join Starfleet.
KIRK
Why?
PIKE
You get to blow stuff up really cool.
KIRK
I'm sold.
LEONARD MCCOY
(to KIRK)
I may throw up on you.
KIRK
(to MCCOY)
I may throw up on you.
BOB ORCI
Ha! I kill me.
MCCOY
Remind me why I'm sneaking you aboard the Enterprise as my patient.
KIRK
Because I'm in the process of being thrown out of Starfleet Academy for cheating and they won't let me on board.
BOB ORCI
Even though he's totally brilliant and has the same useful information about the current emergency on Vulcan as Captain Pike.
MCCOY
Oh, yeah.
MCCOY
WOW! Jim, you gotta SEE THIS FANTASTIC OUTER SPACE VISUAL EFFECT!
KIRK
You'd think we hadn't flown up to space dock dozens of times in the course of our training.
BOB ORCI
Shut up! Inject him with cordrazine or theragen or one of those other Star Trek type things.
MCCOY
Gotcha.
MCCOY
I gotta find chapel.
KIRK
Nurse Chapel?
MCCOY
No, the ship's chapel. Space is disease and death wrapped in phaser blasts and explosions, and I've got a lot of praying to do.
BOB ORCI
Now go ask Uhura about that distress call she received that mentions a colossal negative space wedgie near Vulcan.
KIRK
Why don't I just go directly to the bridge, since you've told me everything I need to know?
BOB ORCI
Okay.
KIRK
Hey, Captain Pike! You remember that dissertation you wrote about the enormous big thing that emerged from a colossal negative space wedgie and blew the crap out of the USS MELVIN?
PIKE
You mean the dissertation prominently mentioning a colossal negative space wedge like unto the one mentioned in the distress call we're currently answering?
KIRK
Yeah, that one.
PIKE
What about it?
ADMIRAL ACKBAR
It's a trap!
KIRK
Lost interest in Episode IV, huh?
BOB ORCI
SHUT UP! THROW HIM OFF THE SHIP!
BOB ORCI
Sic 'im!
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
You must return to the Enterprise immediately. Vulcan has been destroyed along with dozens of starships, Captain Pike has been taken prisoner, Earth is doomed, and the Enterprise is flying off to join the remainder of Starfleet safely off-screen and out of this movie. You must go to the Dagobah system...I mean, the convenient nearby one-man Starfleet station of no known function, and have Montgomery Scott beam you back to the Enterprise using this highly improbable transwarp beaming equation that will render starships obsolete.
KIRK
Gosh! How do you know all that?
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
I mind-melded with Bob Orci. By the way, I'm from the future, though not your future.
KIRK
In the future do they know why that great big snow monster wanted to eat me rather than eat the smaller snow monster, which had more meat on it?
BOB ORCI
Shut UP!
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
Alas, no. Anyhoo, you have to take command of the Enterprise.
KIRK
Why?
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
Because there's only half an hour left in the movie and the audience expects to see Captain Kirk by the time the credits roll.
KIRK
Okay. Say, you don't happen to know why the villain destroyed Vulcan?
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
His mother was frightened by a McGuffin as a child.
MONTGOMERY SCOTT
Are you the pizza man?
KIRK
No, I'm the hero.
SCOTT
Like from Quizno's? I've had nothing to eat but replicated tribble ever since I beamed Admiral Archer's beagle Porthos XV into a Klingon engine room. I'm so hungry I could eat Regulan Bloodworm Haggis with dilithium crystals and a side order of Horta!
(beat)
Is that enough Star Trek?
BOB ORCI
Yeah, that'll do for now.
KIRK
Here, just take this equation and beam us all the way to the Enterprise, which you don't know the location of.
KIRK
Scotty? Where are you?
SCOTT
(echo, gurgling)
Go on without me.
BOB AND DOUG MCKENZIE
(echo, gurgling)
Take off, you hoser! This is our vat.
SCOTT
Och, it's just as well, this tastes like Budweiser anyway.
DOUG
It started out tasting like Labatt's, eh, but we've been in here for, like, a week.
SCOTT
(pounding at interior of vat)
KIRK! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
KIRK
I'm taking command of this ship!
SPOCK
Says who?
KIRK
Says Bob Orci!
SPOCK
That is logical.
KIRK
Quick! To Earth!
SCOTT
(raises a glass of FRESH BEER)
To Earth! --Oh, right. Normally it would take four days to get from Vulcan to Earth, but you don't have four days so I'll do it in one.
SCOTT
Come to think of it, why don't I just use this highly improbable transwarp beaming equation that will render starships obsolete to beam you and, say, Mr. Spock, directly to the villain's ship?
SPOCK
Highly logical.
KIRK
Good man! Uhura, you have the con.
UHURA
Cool. --Hey, I got a line!
CHEKOV
(glumly)
I got the hook.
SULU
That's because you failed to get a sinker.
CHEKOV
Lov blov.
ALBINO DARTH MAUL #1
Trespassers will be shot on sight!
ALBINO DARTH MAUL #2
No! New orders from the Captain. They're to be captured so we can later say "I should have killed you when I had the chance."
ALBINO DARTH MAUL #1
Are you sure that was the Captain?
ALBINO DARTH MAUL #2
Well, he looked a little like Bob Orci.
KIRK
Hey, you jerks!
ADMS 1 AND 2
What?
KIRK
I've got your guns.
KIRK
I'd have shot you with MY phaser, but the rotating barrel got stuck between Stun and Kill.
SPOCK
I've discovered a highly advanced compact starship that thinks I'm its captain. It contains a highly advanced vending machine loaded with red negatronic gumballs, which according to JANE'S GUIDE TO NEGATRONIC GUMBALLS (Ed. Bob Orci) are designed to chew up stars and planets. And yet it was completely unguarded. That is highly illogical.
BOB ORCI
Shut UP!
CAPTAIN PIKE
Hey, will someone please rescue me and dig this telepathic crawdaddy out of my throat?
KIRK
Okay. What's with the telepathic crawdaddy?
PIKE
The villain needed the Earth's prefix code, which all starship captains know so that in the event they're captured they can tell villains how to get past the Earth's defenses. Boy, was he in for a shock.
KIRK
That you held out and didn't tell him?
PIKE
No, that the Earth doesn't have any defenses. We sent them all to Vulcan and he blew them up!
CAPTAIN NEMO
That was really ludicrous.
BOB ORCI
Shut UP!
CAPTAIN NEMO
I'm going to explain my motivation now.
SPOCK
Did I mention that I put two credits in the red negatronic gumball vending machine and that your ship is being devoured?
NEMO
Holy crap!
KIRK
Beam us up, Scotty!
KIRK
To the bridge!
SCOTT
(raising glass)
To the bridge!
KIRK
You're doomed! Now, would you rather A) be rescued, B) die like Hans Reinhardt, or C) have me kill you?
NEMO
Um...
SPOCK
I vote C.
KIRK
C it is. FIRE EVERYTHING!
NEMO
Hey, that's my line!
KIRK
Alternate reality!
BOB ORCI
Hey, that's -- oh, snap.
BOB ORCI
Now jettison and detonate the warp core so I can check off this reference to "Star Trek: Insurrection".
CHEKOV
Did somevon mention my name?
BOB ORCI
Shut UP!
GEORGE KIRK
(appears in glowing blue along with Yoda)
See, that's what I managed to avoid. You're a better Captain than I am, my son.
BOB ORCI
That's a really lame running gag. Let me write it down.
GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY
Third Year Cadet James Tiberius Kirk, you are charged with cheating on a test. Normally, this would be grounds for expulsion. However, due to certain mitigating circumstances, we are...
BOB ORCI
Giving you command of the Starship Enterprise!
GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY
...busting you down to freshman.
BOB ORCI and KIRK
WHAT!
THE PARODIST
Alternate reality! Sorry, there's only so much I can stand. I've got to have SOME plausibility in this thing.
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
Young not-quite-me, the remains of our culture are going to Risa to repopulate the species. Genetically we're identical, so you can stay here with Uhura.
SPOCK
Live long and prosper.
DUSTY OLD SPOCK
I will -- thanks to EXTENZYTE!
YOUNG KIRK.......................Jake Lloyd
KIRK......................Leonardo DiCaprio
NEWKIRK......................Richard Dawson
SPOCK........................Zachary Quinto
DUSTY OLD SPOCK.................Hugh Hefner
J.J.ABRAMS..................Roland Emmerich
BOB ORCI........................Dean Devlin
A.KURTZMAN...Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film
MARRISSA PICARD.....................Herself
KURT RUSSELL...................James Cawley
KHAN..................................Chang
CHANG...............................Shinzon
SHINZON................................Nero
NERO.............................Australian
AUSTRALIAN.............................Kiwi
KIWI...........................Sonny Cuckoo
CUCKOO...........................Matt Smith