Embedded Files
EXT. OLD LONDON TOWN - DAY
Enter — GODZILLA!
But there's something wrong! He's clutching his throat! Is he choking? Or just choking around?
Enter MADAM VASTRA, JENNY FLINT and STRAX!
VASTRA
(shouting)
Can you speak?
GODZILLA
...
STEVEN MOFFAT
No! We're over budget, we can't afford another speaking role.
BIG BEN
At the third stroke the time will be twelve o'clock precisely.
STEVEN MOFFAT
Bougus fract!
STRAX
Stand aside, Earth scum! I shall give the wee timorous beastie the Heimlich Maneuver, and then—
ALL
Melt it with acid!
STEVEN MOFFAT
Love a good catch phrase!
STRAX gives GODZILLA the HEIMLICH MANEUVER.
The TARDIS pops out of its throat!
The DOCTOR pops out of the TARDIS!
MADAM VASTRA pulls an INVISIBLE FENCE from her HANDBAG.
STEVEN MOFFAT GESTURES HYPNOTICALLY and THE DOCTOR FACEPLANTS with a SPLAT.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO — DEEP BREATH.
EXT. BEDROOM (VASTRA'S HOUSE)
THE DOCTOR is wibbling on behind the door in the throes of post-regenerative trauma.
THE DOCTOR
Has anyone an invisible fence? Suitable for containing unusually large brachs?
VASTRA
Expect the unexpected, that's me.
JENNY
Us.
THE DOCTOR
(squinting at them)
The green one and the not-green one! Unless it's vice-versa. That's probably some oblique reference to people not being whom they see. Or do I mean who they seem?
STEVEN MOFFAT
Save it for the finale!
THE DOCTOR
Oi! Big man! Shut it!
STEVEN MOFFAT
I should have cast Craig Ferguson. SLEEP!
The DOOR OPENS.
He SLAMS THE DOOR. A moment later we hear him crash through the WINDOW.
EXT. PATERNOSTER ROW — TWILIGHT
Two EXTRAS named ALF and ELSIE are walking by in the ENCROACHING DARKNESS.
EXT. OLD LONDON TOWN — TWILIGHTIER
VASTRA and JENNY and STRAX and CLARA are here. GODZILLA is here. Can THE DOCTOR be far behind?
CLARA
Can someone tell me why we're not taking him to the Zero Room to recover? I mean, the TARDIS rebuilt herself completely so there should be one.
VASTRA
There is no Zero Room. If it didn't happen since the 2005 reboot, it didn't happen. Only vague allusions to previous Whooey are acceptable.
THE DOCTOR
Gooz! Noop! Piano! Waaaaugh!
CLARA
You're not the man River Song married, Doctor. You've got a new accent.
THE DOCTOR
Scot!
BRAD
Janet!
JANET
Brad!
FRANK
Rocky!
ROCKY
(frowning at script)
Taral? Who's Taral?
STEVEN MOFFAT
Taral Wayne? —Bougus fract! The furry fandom's hacked my mainframe!
It'll be My Little Pony fans next!
THE DOCTOR
I've seen what they do with me! I'm clearing out!
THE DOCTOR
(off)
Zarniwoooooooop!
CLARA
It's a good thing I'm the Impossible Girl who saves the Doctor, and have consequently seen all his regenerations, or we'd blather on for a while about stuff for the benefit of fans who started with...the previous episode, basically?
VASTRA
Stuff like the Doctor renewing himself.
CLARA
Like a library book, right. Let's go after him!
STRAX
The glory of the Sontaran Empire requires that we first do some dialogue about semantics and set theory and appearances versus reality cleverly disguised as witty repartee!
CLARA
Hardly makes a difference who you really are when you have no discernible personality other than a fondness for Roman noses like the one on...sigh...Peter Capaldi.
JENNY
(applauds)
ALF
See, the Pater Noster, as in the Paternoster Gang, is like a Repeated Meme, almost like a Conveyance Of Repeating Dialogue In Space-time as seen in the New Adventures novel series.
ELSIE
Oh, Alf, me better 'alf (did you see what I did there), you know only vague allusions to previous Whooey are acceptable.
ALF
Or maybe it's actually Patré Nostos, the painful nostalgia driving Odysseus to his homeland.
And Paternoster Row's full of publishers, and we're all stories in the end!
ELSIE
Oh, Alfie, you and your fan theories.
ALF
Even our names may be significant! I might be a reference to Alfie Stormageddon! Alfava Metraxis! 'Alf of a metacrisis!
Enter a MECHANICAL MAN with HALF A FACE who has never seen PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
ALF
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! Moffat'll be getting in a riff on that too I bet, you'll see!
HALF-FACE MAN
I will see it through your eyes. Hold still.
ALF
Wait, let me make a TVTropes "Eye Scream" entry for this first. Ow. Ow. Ow. Is this a Neil Gaiman riff? Ow. Ow. Ow. Wait, see it through my eyes? That sounds significant!
HALF-FACE MAN
Prepare to get flamed for speculation.
Suddenly, GODZILLA bursts into flames!!!
Enter THE DOCTOR.
The DOCTOR dives into the THAMES because it is a RIVER and MULTIPLY SYMBOLIC.
INT. VASTRA'S HOUSE - DAY
STRAX totes the TARDIS inside on a HAND TRUCK.
VASTRA
The Doctor's terribly, terribly old and alien and so forth and so on you know.
CLARA
Of course I know. I always know. I was there on Gallifrey when he left. I'm a Time Lady, I'm probably older than he is. Let's get on with Godzilla.
VASTRA
Oh, the lizardity!
(beat)
Who dunnit?
CLARA
Why dunnit?
STRAX
Curse! I left the barbecue sauce in the pantry!
(embarrassed beat)
I mean, How dunnit?
THE DOCTOR
Och aye! None of those stupid questions, ye clootie dumplings! The question is, have there been any similar murthers?
DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
Yes!
THE DOCTOR
Oh. Well, who dunnit, why, and how?
DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
Mechanical men harvesting our organs with flamethrowers.
Mind your kidneys.
THE DOCTOR
Well, mystery solved. I'm off!
DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
...I wish I could see what you did there.
Wait, murthers? Mothers? You were going to burn it? Prisoner Zero! Who do you find in a vanity cabinet?
ELSIE
Oh, Alf, you and your fan theories! You know they never pay off!
DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
They might! Blind squirrel, me!
STEVEN MOFFAT GESTURES MYSTICALLY and STRAX MELTS DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF with ACID.
INT. ALLEYWAY - DAY
A tramp named BARNEY FRED comes across the nightie-clad DOCTOR.
CLARA
So, we're just sitting around waiting for the Doctor to collect his box?
JENNY
Madame Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case.
DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
See, a conk is a nose, as in the "who knows" nose-tapping sequence with Tom Baker in "The Day Of The Doctor", and a singleton, in computer programming—
STRAX
Oh, who says the good old days never come again. Sontar ha!
PUDDLE OF DEAD CRISPY EYELESS ALF
I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world, I'm going! There'll be another Wizard of Oz riff by the end of the episode! Clara's a Pond! Half-face man's flamethrower is a riff on A FISTFUL OF YEN! Can you hear me, Barney? The Doctor horcruxed his own hand! Lottery means veiling! When is a door not a door? Soylent Green is people!@!
Suddenly a NEWSPAPER plasters itself across THE DOCTOR'S FACE.
INT. VASTRA'S HOUSE — DAY
THE DOCTOR
Hoot na! Gib me your clothes.
FRED
It's 1893, I've never seen TERMINATOR.
THE DOCTOR
Have ye seen THE GIRL IN THE LIBRARY FIREPLACE OF THE POMPEIIAN DEAD?
FRED
I didn't like it.
THE DOCTOR
Well, I didn't like it either. Now gib me your clothes.
FRED
It's winter! It's cold!
THE DOCTOR
So? Have ye never heard of spontaneous human combustion?
THE DOCTOR
Bougus fract! This yesterday's newspaper has an ad from—
CLARA
—the Doctor in it!
VASTRA
How can you tell?
CLARA
It refers to a restaurant ad on the other side of the page, you'd need a time machine to know what ad was going to be on the other side—
INT. MANCINI'S RESTAURANT — DAY
CLARA and THE DOCTOR are at a TABLE.
Their SEAT suddenly descends into the SUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBSUBBASEMENT.
They are confronted by the HALF-FACED MAN.
CLARA
—of the page in advance.
THE DOCTOR
That hadn't occurred to me. So clearly someone else planted that ad for both of us to see!
The LEFT EYE of the HALF-FACED MAN begins WINKING in MORSE CODE.
THE DOCTOR sonics the HALF-FACED MAN.
He COMMITS SUICIDE.
INT. HEAVEN
CRAZY LADY MISSY is reading a SCRIPT.
THE DOCTOR
So, it was YOU that planted that ad! You saved us a lot of boring investigation, detection and problem-solving.
HALF-FACED MAN
What ad?
THE DOCTOR
Never mind, must be a long-term arc.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, someone's eye agrees with me. I must be wrong then. What's that? ..."Mancini" means left-handed? ...Sinister? ...Welcome back, Lefty? ...Let's all give Doctor Klahn a great big hand? Now you're just being silly!
THE DOCTOR
(reading the sonic)
Oh, it's my lucky day for long term arcs. You're robotmen from the MARIE CELESTE's sister ship blah blah blah.
HALF-FACED MAN
We seek a shining planet known as Earth.
THE DOCTOR
Well, you're on Earth.
HALF-FACED MAN
Mission accomplished.
THE DOCTOR
Aw, why'd ye do that for?
THE LATE HALF-FACED MAN
Would you prefer to do a bit about your self-loathing and self-identification with monsters.
THE DOCTOR
Like we did all through series six? ...and seven? ...and five? Thank you for your consideration.
THE LATE HALF-FACED MAN
De nada.
CLARA
I am extremely cross. In fact I am double-cross. And no, that's not a reference to THE PANDORICA OPENS, stop winking at me, eyeball! Or veiled religious symbolism! Cross, cross, cross!
THE DOCTOR
Why?
CLARA
Nothing else to do in this story.
THE DOCTOR
Shall we get a coffee?
CLARA
Yeah, all right.
THE DOCTOR
Think any of this will pay off in a future episode?
CLARA
I wouldn't hold my breath.
MISSY
Just skip to the finale.
LOGAN 5
There is no Sanctuary!
END CREDITS.
EXT. TRENZALORE
The ELEVENTH DOCTOR is on the TARDIS PHONE to CLARA in his FUTURE.
ELEVENTH DOCTOR
I hate voice mail! Voice mail is rubbish!
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