My Mother's Death
NOTE: The attached PDF, SJK1928, has photos of Shirley's last days. (link at bottom of page)
In October 2017, while we were traveling in Colombia, we found out that Shirley had developed a metastasis from breast cancer to her brain and chest. Shirley had become a little confused at home, and the doctor put her in a hospice in Bloomington for temporary palliative care, since she was living alone and needed 24/7 care. We changed our tickets and flew from Bogota, Colombia to Indianapolis. On October 4th, 2017 we arrived in Bloomington, Indiana and went straight to the hospice. As soon as we arrived, Shirley said she wanted to move to New Mexico with us. She asked: “Are you going to take care of me?” We answered, “Yes, we will.”
We were sad for her because she had always been very independent and now she could not walk. We accepted the commitment to do our best to make her feel comfortable in Silver City at Millie's Assisted Living. So we did. We spent day and night with her at the temporary hospice in Indiana. When she made the decision to move to New Mexico by land, we planned the trip and traveled with her 1,400 miles non-stop in a land ambulance.
Before leaving Indiana, Bill, Debbie, and Trina arrived to say goodbye. While the staff were preparing Shirley, we all went to the prayer room in the hospice to pray for safe travel. We started the adventure on October 10, at 9:30 a.m. in a large Mercedes Benz land ambulance which had three beds, two drivers, and a nurse. We went non-stop, staying by her side and arrived 26 hours later at Millie’s Assisted Living. The staff there welcomed us with so much love and compassion… and continued with that same caring attitude until the end of Shirley’s life.
She also had the services of hospice, which provided her with good equipment to comfort her, like a bed with a special mattress that frequently moved her position to prevent bed sores, and other additional services such as medication, baths, nurses, etc.
On Sunday, five days before Shirley died, she woke up from a nap in the afternoon and asked for fish and chips. Immediately Beatriz went to a restaurant and brought this food for her. Shirley ate and enjoyed every single bite. It was her last substantial food.
We spent time daily with Shirley at Millie’s, during both days and nights for her last three weeks. Our friends started coming to give us some breaks. Once one of our friends came to be with her for one hour while we went to have dinner. When our friend arrived David was holding Shirley’s hand. Our friend carefully took her hand. An hour later we came back and found our friend in the same position we left her, holding Shirley’s hand. Our friend was very moved by what she experienced during her time at Shirley’s side. She later sent an email saying, “Thank you so much for the chance to sit with your mother! It was very profound and so touching how much love she could express!”
One morning Shirley insisted that she was dead. Here is what Shirley said: “The doctor came at 2:25 a.m. and gave me drops of cyanide. He said I would be dead in two hours. So, I’m dead now… did not hurt… I just floated. You are talking to a dead person. Call the mortuary, call the director of Millie’s and officially report a death in their facility. I cannot think of who you could call to verify the fact that I am gone. Does Silver City have a newspaper? Check the obituaries to see if I am listed there.
David: “I know that you are still alive.”
Shirley: “That makes one of us. In the bottom of the green important papers box you will find an obituary and a partial life story that ends with “I have no regrets.”
David: “That’s good! Now you can die in peace.”
Shirley: “I’m already dead!”
David: “Are you tired?”
Shirley: “No! Dead people are not tired.”
A visiting friend arrived at that moment and took Shirley’s hand. She said: “You have a very warm hand for a dead person.”
Shirley smiled, then replied: “Hmm, you are right, I guess I am not dead.”
During her time at Millies, Shirley had the opportunity to go outside in her wheel chair, share some stories, remember her family, meet new friends to share her sense of humor and love, or just to express her frustration at being dependent.
We honored her journey with our presence, supported by the beautiful staff of Millie's Assisted Living and by many friends who took some shifts, giving us time to take breaks. One day the director of Millie’s made a visit and asked Shirley if she wanted to sing. Shirley began to sing “In the Garden.” The Director sang along with her beautiful voice. Then we all sang “Que Será, Será.” Another friend came later and sang hymns to Shirley. It was a day full of song.
On October 30 when the nurses said it was close to her time to leave her body, we spent the night with Shirley. She had told us she wanted “Que Será, Será” played at her funeral. We decided we should also do that in life. So, that night we had a pajama party with her favorite music: “Que Será, Será" sung by Doris Day, and the best of Frank Sinatra. She seemed placid and smiling, moving back and forth in this Dream, even laughing, listening to the music. Then she fell sleep. We were by her side, holding her hands.
At almost midnight we noticed she started bleeding from her chest. The nurse came and stopped the bleeding, and covered her with a bandage. We were surrounding her with so much love and words of gratitude. Shirley slept peacefully after she started receiving a small dose of morphine every two hours. She started to make her final exit after the pajama party. We played her music sometimes, and sometimes quiet relaxing music. Early morning on November 1st she opened her eyes to greet David with her last words: “Hi, honey!” … then she closed her eyes and started her active stage of dying.
In the early morning of November 2nd (2:45 a.m.) she took her last inhalation and left her body behind. It was an amazing teaching fo r both of us about life and death... Shirley’s last gift. We loved her so much.
— David and Beatriz
P.S. Much gratitude for the flowers you sent during her time here, and for the beautiful words in the cards you sent. All were read to her. She loved and remembered all of you.