Our predecessors' disastrous handling of the economy means that we must cut taxes and borrowing while simultaneously throwing insane amounts of someone else's money at lavish, vote-gathering projects of dubious benefit to the nation. We shall let the economy rip while punishing (and yet also somehow mysteriously incentivising) the rich and generously rewarding state-employees while cutting spending drastically. We shall clamp down on scroungers yet be very nice. We shall be tough on immigration while also being compassionate. HS2 will simultaneously benefit the country while not being built where anyone doesn't want it built, and will call at Stockport on alternate Thursdays. Heathrow will have three new runways which will somehow not involve any building anywhere. On Europe, we shall be tough, uncompromising and bloody-minded while also being at the heart of decision-making. On education, we shall raise standards while cutting back, allowing parental choice yet also keeping schools under rigid local authority control. We shall find a new euphemism for putting up student-fees. Regions must stand on their own feet, while continuing to get generous subsidies from the south-east. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will be clasped tightly to the British national bosom while being able to behave as virtually foreign countries. We shall do all we can to protect the environment while building 10 new power-stations, two hoverports in Hull, a tunnel to Denmark and 250,000 homes on greenfield sites. We shall ruthlessly reform parliament and the monarchy, while proudly retaining tea-towels with pictures of corgis on them. False teeth in Cumbria will be means-tested. An incoming prime minister will take the ice-bucket challenge in just his vest.