Letting Go

A sermon delivered on December 29, 2019 at the UU Church of Stow and Acton, MA.

(In a grumbly voice) Just one more holiday to go!

Do you feel like that? It starts with Thanksgiving: fattening foods, all the preparations, the decorations, the people, maybe some festive drinks, special foods, perhaps some football games or winter games, and, oh yes, more food which leads to some indigestion and loud snoring on the couch.

Then the Winter holiday season begins: presents, special songs, more special food, holiday parties, office parties, church parties, some relatives you have not seen for a while and maybe some relatives you would prefer not to see again for a while.

Then the month ends and suddenly you realize…

(In a grumbly voice) There’s just one more holiday to go!

By New Year’s at my house when I was growing up, everyone was worn out. My mother and father went to bed and left my sister and I–or sometimes just me–alone to watch on television the giant ball in Times Square fall. The only tradition we really had for the holiday was that we had to eat sauerkraut on New Year’s Day. I hated that tradition. It wasn’t until much later that I learned the idea of making a New Year’s resolution. I never did understand that practice. Why would you reserve January first to make a promise you would never dream of taking on at any other time of the year? And, as you well know, most New Year’s resolutions rarely last through the Winter. According to NPR, about 40% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions. The most common promise is to exercise more. Every year, fitness clubs get their highest membership rates in early January but by February, at least 10% of those new members drop out and the level steadily decreases throughout the year. Dedication to a lofty and important goal takes more than just making a promise to yourself when you’re burned out from holiday overload.

Have you ever wondered how this holiday ever began? Whose idea was it to put it at the end of a long and busy holiday season anyway? It turns out that many early cultures considered the Spring Equinox to be the start of the new year. That makes some sense. After a long hard Winter, Spring feels and looks like a renewal. New life comes forth, the sun grows warmer, and food becomes more plentiful. In the time of Julius Caesar, March 25 was the date of the Spring Equinox and December 25 was the date of the Winter Solstice. Before his time, early Romans celebrated the New Year on March 25. Caesar, however, thought that the new year should honor the god named Janus from whom we get the name of the month of January. Thus the new year began on January 1. Janus is a two-faced god. One face looks forward while the other looks back: a fitting choice to represent the end of one year and the beginning of another. Though there were several attempts to change the date after the decline of the Roman Empire because the date was considered too pagan, Pope Gregory solidified it through his reforms to the calendar system we still use today.

The date is not universal, however.

I understand that one tradition at New Year’s is to order Chinese food. Chinese restaurants are often open on New Year’s Day when many others are not. This is, perhaps, because the Chinese celebrate the New Year on a different date. Chinese New Year is based on a lunar calendar. It is celebrated on the full moon after their last lunar month so the date is different each year when we look at the Gregorian calendar (the one we currently use) but generally occurs between our dates of January 20 and February 20. This year it will be celebrated on January 25. Some of their main traditions include a family reunion dinner, setting off firecrackers, and giving gifts. People in the region of Thailand and Cambodia celebrate in mid April by tossing water on each other (as a kind of blessing) and by tying strings onto the wrists of friends (as a sign of respect).

Some Hindus celebrate the new year when the sun enters the sign of Aries which is considered the first house of the zodiac. Sikhs honor the new year on the date of the birth of their first guru which is March 14. The date of the Muslim New Year is also based on a lunar calendar and can happen anywhere from Fall to early Winter. Some honor the date through solemn prayer and ritual while others do not celebrate the date at all. The Russian Orthodox church recognizes January 14 as the New Year and we are familiar with the Jewish New Year, known as Rosh Hashanah, because we often honor that date when it appears in late Fall. Its occurrence, too, is based on a lunar calendar.

In nearly all of these traditions, the idea of looking forward and looking back is prevalent. Janus still rules over the precipice of the new year. We look back to review what has happened during the past year and we look forward to hopefully having a good year to come. Sometimes, however, we get stuck in looking back at what has been rather than forward to what could be. That is because we often get stuck in the past and cannot look ahead and often the reason is because we have something we need to let go. It is like catching monkeys. How do you catch a monkey? You put fruit in a jar, tie down the jar, and then leave it. The monkey comes along and tries to get the fruit but its hand gets stuck in the jar and it won’t let go of the fruit. It just won’t let go–even if it means sacrificing its own freedom.

That is how it can be with us. We sometimes hold on to difficult memories and thoughts from the past. But why? Why hold on to the fruit in the jar if it means we will not be able to move on? The reasons are many and complicated. But, first let me say that it is sometimes necessary to experience the pain of hurtful memories and loss. Healing takes time and sometimes the best way to get over something is to go through it. Healing begins when we accept our feelings and let the process take its course. What I am addressing here is when we continue to hold on to the pain beyond or instead of healing.

The reasons for not letting go of pain mostly fall into three categories: self-punishment, victimization, and avoidance. Some people feel they deserve to be in pain. They may have low self-esteem or may have been convinced by someone of the idea. Regardless, the idea of keeping the painful memories alive becomes part of that person’s own identity and personal story. That person can come to see the pain as comfortable and familiar. Some people come to identify themselves as a victim in the hopes of continuing to receive sympathy (a form of love) or to vilify their perpetrators while others use the suffering as a means of avoiding seeking solutions or dealing with others.

It is like the Devil’s Snare plant in the Harry Potter universe. Our memories and pain can come to slowly wrap around us. The more we resist it, the tighter its tendrils become until we are choking and become overwhelmed. It is only by relaxing and letting go of the feeling that we can dislodge ourselves until it slowly releases its grasp on us and we can slip through it unharmed. The path to healing is to let it be and to let it go.

Psychology Today recommends three steps toward Letting Go: acceptance, appreciation, and exploration. One of the reasons we often hang onto difficult memories and conditions is because we believe we are in total control our lives. It simply isn’t so. There are some things we can control but there are many more things we simply cannot. Part of Letting Go is to learn to recognize what it is that we can control and accept those things we cannot. In every situation we have three choices: like it, leave it, or lean into it. If you don’t like a situation then you can try to change something about it. If you can’t change it then you may have to decide whether or not you are going to let it go or stay with it. If you need to stay with it you may have to come to grips with the fact that you cannot control the situation. You will need to gradually lean into it and find positive ways to engage with it.

Sometimes it is hard to let go because we may have unrealistic expectations. These are usually visions of how we want the future to unfold but the future, like many of our situations, is not under our control. Instead of focusing on how things should be, it is often more fulfilling to simply appreciate the present moment–even if that moment is uncomfortable. It’s about focusing on what you have instead of what you want. It’s about letting go of the life you’ve planned so you can live the life waiting for you.

The third step is exploration. I can’t tell you how many times people have said to me “when one door closes, another opens!” Bologna! That is just one of many statements based on the idea that there is some power out there working to move your life toward some properly ordained direction. It’s deterministic and its passive but it is not realistic. When one door closes, there may be a whole bunch of other doors but you need to go over and open them yourself. Sometimes letting go happens when you get involved in something else but you have to put some effort into exploring the possibilities. With an open mind and a willingness to try you might just discover a whole new passion for your life. Just don’t wait for the door to open by itself. Instead of walking along on the same sidewalk, sometimes we need to go where the sidewalk ends–where the wild grass grows soft and white–and explore a new place.

(pause)

So, the New Year is almost here. One more holiday to go. We will follow our traditions even if that tradition is to just get through the holidays but let us take a moment to release those things we need to let go before we begin another year. Remember that we are together as a spiritual community. We are here to support each other through the good times and the bad and that is one of the things we can be grateful for.

Stone Ritual

Some UU churches have adopted a simple New Year’s ritual to help people let go of the old year and anything about it that needs to be released. If you wish to participate, take a small stone as they are made available and hold it in your hands. Focus on what you would like to let go. It can be anything: a feeling, a memory, an idea, an attitude, a thought, or even just the past year itself. When everyone who wants one has a stone, I will offer a small blessing. Then, if you wish, please bring your stone forward and drop it into this bowl of water. As the stone hits the water, imagine what you want to let go is washed clean and rinsed away. I realize that some of you may not be quite ready to release your stone. In that case, feel free to take it with you until you are ready to release it then throw it into a body of water or deep into the woods. We will now pass out the stones.

(Pass out the stones. When done:)

Take a moment to let the stone represent for you that which you wish to let go.

(pause)

If you are ready, please come to the front and drop your stone into the water. Afterwards, I will offer a brief prayer.

(When done)

To that which we hold sacred, we say: Let what has been done, be done; let us marvel at what is, and let us be open to what may come. So may it be.