Who knew that the idea of buying wine at Walmart could be so funny? David Letterman recently offered this Top Ten List describing the chain store's cut-rate quaffs:
10. “When Kmart Wine Just Won’t Do”
9. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Wine”
8. “Show Your Friends How Little You Care”
7. “Kills Germs on Contact”
6. “Recommended by 4 Out of 5 Drifters!”
5. “Crack Open a Can Today!”
4. “Fresh From the Vineyards of Aisle 6″
3. “Here’s to Making Bail!”
2. “Feeling Down After Being Thrown Out by Britney?”
1. “Goes Great With a 20-Dollar Hooker”
And many of you probably received this "newsy" email from a friend with a sense of humor:
There is a rumor that, sometime in 2010, Walmart will begin offering customers a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest and Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price (in the $2-$5 range).
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas. "But the right name is important."
[PS: Nothing startling here, but there is no Professor Micken listed on UOA's marketing faculty roster].
The email continues:
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.
In a rebuttal of sorts to Walmart bashing, a woman claiming to be a certified sommelier is defending the discount chain by reviewing its low-cost libations. In a January video, she says she likes the Oak Leaf Vineyard's Cabernet Sauvignon from California, adding that the bottle (surprisingly!) doesn't have a year on it. You can view her video here. After swigging and gushing, the woman who calls herself "Just Jess" warns about the one drawback to guzzling a $2.99 bottle of wine: "Cheap wine hangovers."
Bringing this growing global discussion home, a wine department employee at Medford's Walmart works so hard stocking shelves with Robert Mondavi Pinot Noir and Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and other big producers from California, that he says he doesn't have time to laugh. Or stock the shelves with any Oregon wine.
Who's laughing now?
For more info: Walmart, 3615 Crater Lake Highway, Medford, (541) 770-2010, www.walmart.com