Merritt, Ashcroft, Cawston Opening song: #460 As Water to the Thirsty Title: God Heals Shame
Scripture: Psalm 25:2, O my God, I trust in You: let me not be ashamed, let not my enemies triumph over me.
A lady bought several items at a department store. When she finally got up to the cashier, one item had no price tag. Imagine her dismay when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, “Price check for lane 13. Tampax, Supersize.” That was bad enough, but the man at the back of the store misunderstood ‘Tampax' for thumbtacks. In a business-like tone, his voice boomed back over the intercom: “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
My husband asked me, “Are you really going to talk about shame in church?” God loves real people with real issues. My problem growing up with an alcoholic father is shame. Adam and Eve’s first result of sin was shame. Religions use shame to make people do what they think. Some religions cover shame so much they kill people who don’t believe as they do. An elder tells his kids, “What will people say if you wear a short skirt to church?” Shame must be avoided at all cost. If shame is exposed, it must be avenged as religion did in dark ages.
Many churches promote fear of judgment, fire and brimstone. People serve God out of shame and fear. Child of a perfectionist parent or target of a bully, in some way everyone has been shamed. In scientific studies, if a baby smiles at his caretaker and she doesn’t respond, he will try again. If after several tries she still doesn’t respond, he will turn his eyes away and hang his head. If a toddler came for attention and the caretaker rejected him, he slinks away with less energy. If you’re shamed, you feel less than. Shame hurts so much it feels like a hole in your soul.
How do we cope with shame? By distracting ourselves, or projection that says, "Shame on you, not me!" People repress and numb feelings or self-medicate. We may look confident and self-respecting, but in our heart we feel ashamed. Larry said to his kids for their summer vacation trip- guilt trip, “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. All you do is lay around. Your poor mother works her fingers to the bone cleaning up after you. If anything ever happened to her, you'd be sorry! She can't sleep worrying about you two. You go give your mother a hug right now." Larry did what parents do to manipulate children into behaving, pouring them a dose of shame.
“And you call yourself a Christian! Jesus wouldn't like that. God sees everything you do. You’re too happy, too sad, too angry. Stop crying or I’ll give you some thing to cry about! Big boys don’t cry.” Since feelings are how we express who we are, learning our feelings are not okay, or they annoy people who claim to love us wounds the soul. Bible says weep with those who weep. In other words, don’t deny people’s feelings. Shame produces outward obedience. But at what price? Those who are shamed believe, “I'm so bad, I’m not worthwhile."
Give choices to children. Explain what happens if they choose an action. Allow them consequences. Tell children exactly what you expect and why. “I'm upset about the broken window, and you need to pay for it" is more effective than “Look what a terrible thing you did!” “Two D's show me you need help" is better than, “You disappoint us with your grades." Love communicates without shame.
How does shame affect us? We hide behind a mask, get embarrassed easily, run away from problems. We appear grandiose, self-centered or opposite - doormats. We blame others or constantly blame ourselves. We feel like outsiders, lonely even with those who care.
SONG: DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE
Shame makes us judgmental towards traits in others we feel ashamed of in ourselves. Feeling flawed, imperfect, true expression is blocked. We must do things perfect or not at all! This leads to performance stress, procrastination, depression. We live in denial, lying to ourselves, develop Christian addictions -workaholism, eating disorder, religious fanatic, criticizing. Some people operate from shame down deep, so they try hard to be righteous and cover shame with “holier than thou.”
Two men went to temple to pray, Pharisee and a tax collector. Pharisee stood and prayed with himself, “God, I thank You I am not like other men- extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all I have.” The tax collector standing far off wouldn’t so much as raise his eyes; he beat his breast saying, “God, be merciful to me a sinner!” Jesus said, “I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other,” Luke 18:9-14.
They both went to church, both prayed. Pharisee comes to God by what he does. Many of us think this way. Apostle Paul realized in spite of sincerity, thinking he was better than Christians counted against him. Religion he was involved with actually deceived him. The most dangerous religions make people believe God accepts them on basis of THEIR merit. Pharisee was not unjust, didn’t commit adultery. How can a man who fasts, prays, tithes and goes to church miss the boat? Isn’t that godliness? No, says Jesus. Pharisees made commandments the way of salvation. Jesus is the Way! Thinking we are better than other people shows something is desperately wrong.
The dilemma of the Pharisee, “When is it enough? Have I prayed enough, know my bible enough, when is enough, enough?” If we focus on behavior, there is always one thing we lack, though some think we’re attaining perfect character. Pharisees look to themselves, not to God. Tax guy was a professional swindler, mafia in our day. Jesus says, “Here’s a Pharisee who is so religious, and here you have the worst crook in town.” The sinner knew his only hope is God. Pharisee claimed, “Oh me” while tax collector prayed, “Oh God.” Pharisees believe “God acts towards me according to what I do” while sinners pray, “God, please act towards me according to Who YOU are!”
Pharisees stand in church by what they do; sinners say, “I need God.” Pharisees cover shame with the law. People go to church to get relief; Pharisees go home as they arrived. When I thought I obeyed just right, dressed just right, looked just right, ate just right, God said, “Isabelle, only people who don’t have anything to save themselves will come to God.”
SONG: CHRIST ALONE
God took our punishment and shame on Him. Every debt settled on Jesus. He took the world with Him to the cross. We have problems with this! “I wonder if I’m right with God?” That was settled by Jesus; His righteousness not mine. Our works are fig leaves. It’s not what you do but what you do with Jesus. If we stand before God with our fig leaf works, we have shame of nakedness. Two people go to pray yet one goes home still covering his shame. Worst crook in town admits his shame, relies only on God and is saved.
Is religion a good thing for children? Yes, but not when it’s used as shame to control them! Sometimes there’s spiritual abuse in the name of God, and always fear of what will happen if you step out of line. Children learn they aren’t valued unless they behave “properly.” Self-esteem is tied to rules. Some moms use their niceness to make their children ashamed. Family dinner no one really talked. Any unpleasant topic came up, “Oh now, we don’t want to talk about that?!” Instead of displeasing mother, children learned to be secretive. Mom was concerned with keeping her nice cocoon, so her children felt unheard, unlovable.
How do we heal shame? Jesus said, “First clean the inside of the cup.” Only God can cleanse our shame. Healing is a process that takes time. We need to surrender making our families look good at expense of hurting members. And that means in church. Let’s give hurting members grace like Jesus did. Bible says God sees you as valuable. Psalm 8:5, You made him a little lower than the angels; You clothed him in honor and glory. God doesn’t shame, humiliate or belittle, never hold you in contempt or agree with our self-contempt. No condemnation in Jesus, Romans 8:1. God can heal scars left by shame. Love is a choice to love yourself no matter what our past has been. In God’s eyes, we’re covered with Jesus, washed clean.
Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him against that day, 2Timothy 1:12. Jesus carried all our shame to the cross. Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame says, “I am a mistake.” Isaiah 49:1, Listen to me, you islands; hear this, distant nations. Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth He made mention of my name. You are NOT a mistake! I used to think mistakes are end of the world and life or death, because my parents fought with the Chinese chopper knife. He who never made a mistake also never made a discovery. Philippians 1:6, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus. Who will complete it? You or God? Colossians 2:14 NIV, He “canceled out the certificate of debt against us," and that includes our shame.
SONG: ROLL THE STONE AWAY
To heal from toxic shame, we must look to Jesus. God’s love goes against every shame-based blueprint. The world measures by material worth and achievement. That is just another legalism. We’re redeemed from bondage to shame. Either Jesus did it all and we accept His gift by faith OR we have to pay it ourself all over again! I’d rather accept Jesus because I finally learned Isabelle can’t do it.
Dad says, "I bought you a $50,000 car." He drives up with that brand-new car. You say, "I can’t let you do that. It’s just too great a gift. Here is 25 cents; let me help pay." You pay a quarter and drive the car. A friend says, "That is a nice car!" You say, “I helped Dad pay for it.” Yeah right! Why would we choose to live in shame, guilt, and past baggage when God gives grace for free? This is the shame of the woman whose hand hides her smile because her teeth are bad, not the self-hate that leads to razors, pills or jumping off bridges, how tragic that is. This is the shame of seeing yourself, and what your father's paycheck lets you wear. This is shame of our weight, acne, no lunch money, self-disgust of the cheap wine drunk, shame that there’s another way to live but we’re too dumb to find it.
This is the real shame, crying shame; shame that makes you afraid to leave your house. I believe I am accepted by God’s grace along with my shadows, and Jesus is ALL my goodness. We can forgive anyone who has infected us with shame because Jesus forgave our shame on the cross. I forgive myself for anything I have done to shame myself or another person. Grace of God heals the shame I don’t deserve and heals the shame that I do deserve. Our self-esteem comes from what we think the most important person in our life thinks about us, so make Jesus most important person in your life! Jesus adores you, and He gave His life for you! Psalm 25: 20, Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in You.
Jesus healed shame of Zacchaeus, the woman caught in adultery, shame of lepers. A woman with vaginal bleeding 12 years felt too ashamed to tell Jesus her problem in front of the crowd, so she secretly touched His hem. When Jesus asked, she poured out her shame before all. Jesus revealed her faith so everyone with secret shame can find healing in Jesus, Luke 8:47.
Master was searching for a vessel to use. On shelf there were many, which one to choose? Take me, cried gold one, I’m shiny and bright, of great value, I do things just right. My beauty and luster outshine the rest; for you, Master, gold is best. He passed on quiet and all, looked at a silver urn, narrow and tall. I’ll serve You dear Master, pour out Your wine, be at Your table whenever You dine. My lines are graceful, carvings so true, my silver new to compliment You. Master passed on to the brass, wide mouthed and shallow, polished like glass. Here, cried the vessel, I know I will do. Place me on your table for all to view. “Look at me” cried goblet of crystal clear. “My transparency shows contents so dear. Though fragile, I serve with pride. I’m sure I’ll be happy in Your home to abide.” Master came next to vessel of wood. Polished and carved, it solidly stood. “You may use me dear Master,” wooden bowl said, “But rather You use me for fruit not bread!”
Then Master looked down to a vessel of clay. Empty and broken, it helplessly lay. No hope had the vessel that Master might choose, cleanse and make whole, fill and to use. Ah! THIS is the vessel I’ve been hoping to find; I will mend and use it, make it all Mine. I need not the vessel with pride of itself. Not narrow to sit on a shelf. Nor big mouthed, shallow and loud. Nor to display contents so proud. Nor one who thinks he does things just right. But this plain earthen vessel filled with My power and might. He lifted vessel of clay, mended, cleansed it, filled it HIS way. God said in tones kind and true, “Just pour to others as I pour into you.”
Shame is heavy, grace is light. Shame depresses, grace lifts. Shame pulls us down. Grace gives us wings. If our spiritual experience doesn’t lighten our life, we are not experiencing grace! Grace removes anxiety of being unacceptable to God, lets God purge our shame, sets loose the nicest feeling of being totally accepted by Jesus just as I am.
SONG: I STAND REDEEMED