A SEUSSIFIED PURIM SCHPIEL
by Eliza Slavet
first performed at
Beth Montessori Preschool, La Jolla, CA
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Characters:
Narrator
King Achoshverosh
Queen Vashti
HAMAN
The Jews / Wannabe queens
Uncle Mordechai
Narrator: Sh’ma Boys and Girls, now hear us well.
It’s Purim and we’ve got a story to tell.
To Persia we go, where a big fat King
With a name oh so long, who could SAY such a thing?
(drum roll, trumpets sound…)
Narrator: Achoshverosh
(he enters, swaggering)
Narrator: He was a bad boy, and he threw a good party,
And his wife, the Queen Vashti was pretty and smarty.
(Vashti enters… party/dance music starts...)
Narrator: At a party, one night, to his wife did king say,
King: DANCE FOR ME VASHTI! NOT TOMORROW, TODAY!!
Narrator: And what did she say, this strong and fine Queen?
Queen V: NO! NO WAY! YOU’RE CRAZY AND MEAN!
I’M NOT YOUR SLAVE, AND DANCE I WILL NOT!
King: WHAT? NOT DO WHAT I SAY? BUT I’M KING, WHAT A THOUGHT!
Narrator: Vashti was banished, away she did go,
Now enter HAMAN, to our Purim shpiel show
(HAMAN enters)
Narrator: Make noise, girls and boys, this man you will see
Is meaner than mean, and bad as can be.
HAMAN: SEE I’M THE KING’S BESTEST OF BUDS, AND HIS FRIEND,
KING LISTENS TO ME, I SAY BEND AND HE’LL BEND.
AND ALL IN THE KINGDOM, MUST BOW DOWN TO ME,
NOT TO KING, NOT TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T, WAIT AND SEE.
Narrator: But the Jews in this land, said
Jews/ Esther/Mordechai: NO! NOT TO YOU!
WE LOVE GOD, AND OUR LAWS, AND OUR PEOPLE, SO SHOO!
Narrator: So HAMAN, he was mad, and he yelled and he cried,
(to the Jews)
HAMAN: DON’T BE SILLY! YOU’LL SEE! THE KING’S ON MY SIDE!
I’LL GET RID OF THEM ALL, IF THEY WON’T BOW DOWN.
‘CAUSE I’M MAD AND I’M BAD, THE BADDEST IN TOWN.
Narrator: So to King he did go, and what did he say?
HAMAN: THEY’VE GOT TO GO, NOT TOMORROW TODAY,
THESE JEWS IN OUR LAND, THEY’RE CRAZY AND MEAN
GET RID OF THEM NOW, AND DON’T MAKE A SCENE!
King: WITH NO WIFE BY MY SIDE, I CAN’T REALLY SAY NO.
GO HAMAN, YOU’RE SO BAD, AND GET ON WITH THE SHOW.
GO FIND ME A WIFE! NOT TOMORROW TODAY,
DO IT RIGHT NOW, SAY YES YES, AND OKAY!
HAMAN: OKAY!
(party music begins…)
HAMAN: WE’LL HAVE A BIG CONTEST, A PARTY, A BALL,
THEY’LL COME TO THE PALACE, THE GIRLS ONE AND ALL.
Narrator: And come did they come, so pretty and fine,
They danced and they twirled, oh my did they shine!
(Wannabe queens come in one by one, dancing, merriment…)
Narrator: The king kept on looking, he wanted the best,
Yes Beauty and brains, also charm and the rest.
(Esther enters… with Uncle Mordechai just behind)
Narrator: And then she walked in, the beautiful Esther,
King knew she was it, the bestest of bester.
King: BE MY QUEEN PRETTY PLEASE? DO YOU CARE FOR A DANCE?
Esther: YES OF COURSE. I’LL BE QUEEN! WHAT A CHANCE!
(Esther + King dance... Esther leaves King’s side to go back to Uncle’s side.)
Narrator: But Esther was Jewish, and so was her uncle
And neither would bow to HAMAN that old Skunkle.
And now listen in, on Queen Esther and Uncle:
Uncle: OH ESTHER, MY DEAR, THIS KING’S A BIG DRUNKLE,
YOU ARE QUEEN AND YOU’RE STRONG, SO TO KING YOU MUST GO,
YOU MUST TELL HIM WE’RE JEWISH (THE POINT OF THIS SHOW!).
Esther: INDEED I AM ESTHER, AND THE JEWS MUST BE SAVED,
FROM HAMAN, THIS BAD MAN, HE MUST GO FAR AWAY!
(Esther goes to King...)
Esther: OH KING, YOU MUST LISTEN, I’VE SOMETHING TO SAY,
King: TELL ME DEAR ESTHER, NOT TOMORROW TODAY.
Esther: I AM QUEEN (AS YOU KNOW), BUT I’M ALSO A JEW,
AND HAMAN (YOUR BEST BUD) IS PLANNING A COUP.
HE WANTS ALL OF US OUT, ‘CAUSE WE WON’T BOW DOWN,
HE’S REALLY THE WORSTEST, THE BADDEST IN TOWN.
King: YOU ARE QUEEN AND YOU’RE SMART, BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Esther: MY UNCLE MORDECHAI, HE HEARD IT DOWN LOW.
Narrator: And what happened next to this King and fine Queen?
King: THAT HAMAN, HE MUST GO, HE’S SO CRAZY AND MEAN!
(Haman enters, King sends him away...)
HAMAN THAT OLD SKUNKLE, AWAY I WILL SEND.
(Mordechai enters, King + Mordechai hug)
YOUR UNCLE MORDECHAI, WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND,
Narrator: Now here’s the big message, my friends one and all,
Your friends are your friends, but always stand tall.
No bowing to bad guys, no bowing to kings,
And always do share all your toys and your things.
Now off to the party, away you will go,
And happy ever after, that’s the end of our Show.