The Self-Esteem Trap:

Raising Confident And Compassionate Kids In An Age Of Self-Importance

Polly Young-Eisendrath

New York, Little Brown, 2008, 248 pp.

This book is rich in wisdom, replete with psychological research, and based on a strong foundation of years of experience by a most extraordinary Jungian. Polly Young-Eisendrath has written a book for all of us who have wondered about the generation of young adults, now in their twenties and thirties, who seem to take a very long time to grow up, that is, accept their career paths or choose a life partner or, more importantly, become authentic members of our communities. The book is addressed to both the older generation who may be scratching their heads trying to make sense of what is going on (because, after all, didn’t they give their children everything to ensure their success?), as well as to the younger generation who feels lost, depressed, and anxious.

Dr. Young-Eisendrath instructs us that we are all caught in a self-esteem trap. Born in the late 60’s and 70’s, the GenMe or GenX have been idealized by their Boomer parents who have repeatedly told them that they are special, that opportunities will open up for them. However

(the) trouble with being special is that it … promotes excessive self-consciousness, isolation, and relentless self-criticism.” (p. 7)

Obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to take on adult responsibilities, feelings of superiority (or inferiority) and excessive fears of being humiliated are the pervasive symptoms of the self-esteem trap. (p. 21)

The author makes it clear that she is not blaming anyone, but rather points out that we are caught in a cultural shift. In a clear analysis of the roots of this problem, based on research as well as her own personal experience, she explains that Boomers were affected by their parents who had endured the War and/or immigration. Fathers worked hard and mothers were encouraged to let go the jobs they held while their men were at war, and to become homemakers. Trapped in their nuclear family units, away from the support of extended family, mothers often may have felt isolated and depressed. The author states that Boomers were often charged with the emotional task of making their parents, especially their mothers, happy, so much so that they in turn became hungry to feel noticed and worthwhile, to feel the freedom to be Me rather than to take care of Them. When the Boomers had their children they made it a priority to give their children what they felt they never had: affirmation, praise, and acceptance, without realizing that perhaps they had over-compensated into indulgence.

To overcome the self-esteem trap Dr. Young-Eisendrath offers several solid and significant suggestions. To develop self-confidence, we need to recognize the importance of adversity. In facing and overcoming difficulties we “develop empathy and compassion for human suffering – a priceless insight” (p. 59). The problem with Icarus is not that he flew too high but that he never learned how to swim. Psychologically this means he never learned to ”navigate those dark waters – humiliation, disappointment, anger, and depression …” that adversity can teach us. (p. 71).

We need to grow a strong conscience and work on developing virtue. The author writes that the enemy of a good conscience is entitlement. Rather than expecting privileges and rewards as a given, we need to earn and then value them, having acquired a sense of mastery in obtaining them. We need to cultivate virtue, especially patience, for ourselves and others. Dr. Young-Eisendrath reminds us of the ten-year rule: that we do not develop expertise in any field until we have at least ten years of experience in it. We need to foster a sense of autonomy and encourage emotional maturity in our children. The author highly recommends having family meetings where issues are discussed, where problems are not solved but grappled with, and where all are offered empathy and understanding.

Perhaps the author’s most important suggestion is to learn the value of being ordinary. Parents need to stop giving “junk praise” to their children for every little step they take. They also need to let go of their emphasis on giftedness and foster good relational skills, which are more linked to happiness than being gifted. Perhaps there is no more tragic reminder of this than the recent death of super-star Michael Jackson this past summer, whose life was full of talent but also mired in sadness, isolation and addiction.

It is important to teach our children that we are all interdependent:

… the key to happiness is in being a member of the human community, an ordinary person … All of a child’s skills should be nurtured in an environment in which the help and capacities of others are as much appreciated as the child’s … Mostly, make it clear to your child that these abilities are gifts that need to be given back to society and humanity in order to become truly worthwhile. (pp. 132-133)

As a practicing Buddhist for over thirty years, Dr. Young-Eisendrath also recommends that we all have a place for religion in our lives. By religion she does not mean a creed or even an organization of people. Rather I mean a careful and serious attitude about matters of transcendence. By transcendence I mean those feelings and experiences that break through our personal self and identity, conveying a connection to the source of our being. (p. 153)

The author concludes the book with two marvelous chapters, one on love and its near enemy, idealization, and the other on happiness. She reminds us that true love is ambivalent; in order to commit ourselves to love we need to let go of our expectations of perfection in others and to become more tolerant and compassionate. To be happy we need to embrace opportunities to learn from our mistakes and stop worrying about the future, because often the adversities that befall us are not as difficult as we had imagined. Studies have shown that people’s greatest regrets have not been for what they might have done wrong but rather for not pursuing their desires. To be happy we need to stop being self-conscious and having exaggerated expectations of ourselves, but rather learn to have equanimity, accepting things as they are and remaining mindful in the present moment.

This wonderfully wise book represents an important contribution to the field of parenting as well as offering valuable teachings about the human condition, especially in this time and culture. As usual Dr. Young-Eisendrath never ceases to amaze in her clarity of thought, elegance in writing, and superb understanding of human nature. I recommend that we all add this book to our collection.

–Mary Harsany

The Self-Esteem Trap:

Raising Confident And Compassionate Kids In An Age Of Self-Importance

Polly Young-Eisendrath

New York, Little Brown, 2008, 248 pp.

This book is rich in wisdom, replete with psychological research, and based on a strong foundation of years of experience by a most extraordinary Jungian. Polly Young-Eisendrath has written a book for all of us who have wondered about the generation of young adults, now in their twenties and thirties, who seem to take a very long time to grow up, that is, accept their career paths or choose a life partner or, more importantly, become authentic members of our communities. The book is addressed to both the older generation who may be scratching their heads trying to make sense of what is going on (because, after all, didn’t they give their children everything to ensure their success?), as well as to the younger generation who feels lost, depressed, and anxious.

Dr. Young-Eisendrath instructs us that we are all caught in a self-esteem trap. Born in the late 60’s and 70’s, the GenMe or GenX have been idealized by their Boomer parents who have repeatedly told them that they are special, that opportunities will open up for them. However

(the) trouble with being special is that it … promotes excessive self-consciousness, isolation, and relentless self-criticism.” (p. 7)

Obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to take on adult responsibilities, feelings of superiority (or inferiority) and excessive fears of being humiliated are the pervasive symptoms of the self-esteem trap. (p. 21)

The author makes it clear that she is not blaming anyone, but rather points out that we are caught in a cultural shift. In a clear analysis of the roots of this problem, based on research as well as her own personal experience, she explains that Boomers were affected by their parents who had endured the War and/or immigration. Fathers worked hard and mothers were encouraged to let go the jobs they held while their men were at war, and to become homemakers. Trapped in their nuclear family units, away from the support of extended family, mothers often may have felt isolated and depressed. The author states that Boomers were often charged with the emotional task of making their parents, especially their mothers, happy, so much so that they in turn became hungry to feel noticed and worthwhile, to feel the freedom to be Me rather than to take care of Them. When the Boomers had their children they made it a priority to give their children what they felt they never had: affirmation, praise, and acceptance, without realizing that perhaps they had over-compensated into indulgence.

To overcome the self-esteem trap Dr. Young-Eisendrath offers several solid and significant suggestions. To develop self-confidence, we need to recognize the importance of adversity. In facing and overcoming difficulties we “develop empathy and compassion for human suffering – a priceless insight” (p. 59). The problem with Icarus is not that he flew too high but that he never learned how to swim. Psychologically this means he never learned to ”navigate those dark waters – humiliation, disappointment, anger, and depression …” that adversity can teach us. (p. 71).

We need to grow a strong conscience and work on developing virtue. The author writes that the enemy of a good conscience is entitlement. Rather than expecting privileges and rewards as a given, we need to earn and then value them, having acquired a sense of mastery in obtaining them. We need to cultivate virtue, especially patience, for ourselves and others. Dr. Young-Eisendrath reminds us of the ten-year rule: that we do not develop expertise in any field until we have at least ten years of experience in it. We need to foster a sense of autonomy and encourage emotional maturity in our children. The author highly recommends having family meetings where issues are discussed, where problems are not solved but grappled with, and where all are offered empathy and understanding.

Perhaps the author’s most important suggestion is to learn the value of being ordinary. Parents need to stop giving “junk praise” to their children for every little step they take. They also need to let go of their emphasis on giftedness and foster good relational skills, which are more linked to happiness than being gifted. Perhaps there is no more tragic reminder of this than the recent death of super-star Michael Jackson this past summer, whose life was full of talent but also mired in sadness, isolation and addiction.

It is important to teach our children that we are all interdependent:

… the key to happiness is in being a member of the human community, an ordinary person … All of a child’s skills should be nurtured in an environment in which the help and capacities of others are as much appreciated as the child’s … Mostly, make it clear to your child that these abilities are gifts that need to be given back to society and humanity in order to become truly worthwhile. (pp. 132-133)

As a practicing Buddhist for over thirty years, Dr. Young-Eisendrath also recommends that we all have a place for religion in our lives. By religion she does not mean

a creed or even an organization of people. Rather I mean a careful and serious attitude about matters of transcendence. By transcendence I mean those feelings and experiences that break through our personal self and identity, conveying a connection to the source of our being. (p. 153)

The author concludes the book with two marvelous chapters, one on love and its near enemy, idealization, and the other on happiness. She reminds us that true love is ambivalent; in order to commit ourselves to love we need to let go of our expectations of perfection in others and to become more tolerant and compassionate. To be happy we need to embrace opportunities to learn from our mistakes and stop worrying about the future, because often the adversities that befall us are not as difficult as we had imagined. Studies have shown that people’s greatest regrets have not been for what they might have done wrong but rather for not pursuing their desires. To be happy we need to stop being self-conscious and having exaggerated expectations of ourselves, but rather learn to have equanimity, accepting things as they are and remaining mindful in the present moment.

This wonderfully wise book represents an important contribution to the field of parenting as well as offering valuable teachings about the human condition, especially in this time and culture. As usual Dr. Young-Eisendrath never ceases to amaze in her clarity of thought, elegance in writing, and superb understanding of human nature. I recommend that we all add this book to our collection.

–Mary Harsany