Gary and Judy Simon

Gary and Judy Simon

Interview

Gary Simon, 62, academic

Hometown: Wilkes-Barre, PA

Judy Simon, 58, social worker

Hometown: Queens, NY

Current residence: Stony Brook, NY

Date of interview: July 12, 2007

Judy: We met at the Harvard School of Public Health in June 1976. I had been accepted to a Ph. D. program in Public Health, and Gary taught a summer course in bio-statistics. There was a luncheon for students and faculty at the cafeteria; we were in line, and Gary put mustard on his sandwich, and I said, “You must be Jewish.” We started talking, found we had a lot to talk about, and started going out. Neither of us had a TV. We both like woods, beaches, and bike riding, and Gary is brilliant.

Gary: We ended up marrying in December 1977. We were 32 and 28. I was going to a conference…

Judy: And Gary said, ‘Think about whether you’d like to be married to me." And I said, "I don’t have to think about it."

Gary: I didn’t have to sift through clues.

Judy: We had two rabbis, and yes, a traditional Jewish wedding at Terrace on the Park at the old World’s Fair grounds.

Gary: We said the traditional Jewish vow; standard legal boilerplate.

Judy: We’re married. That’s all. We didn’t have an engagement ring.

Marriage is permanent. We don’t know what difficulties lie ahead, but we solve them and push through by doing for the other person and not focusing on oneself.

I’m glad we married when we did. I got to do things earlier that I wouldn’t have done had I married earlier: skiing, sailing, travel. I had a fun life, but I was lonely. At the time I met Gary I had just about given up hope.

Years earlier Gary dated my cousin Maxine, but I never met him. Maxine’s mother Ruthie was at seder and tried to fix me up with Gary via my mother. I said, "No," and my mom said, "My daughter doesn’t need to be fixed up." We figured it out three years later when we met.

Gary: In retrospect I wish we had met earlier so we could have more years together.

Judy: My family of origin is atypical. My mother and father met at ages 15 and 17 on the subway coming home from Coney Island. They married at ages 28 and 30. My mother was fun-loving with a great sense of humor, had ADHD, and was a better friend than a parent. She never accepted that my brother is retarded, was very proud and kept secrets. She was previously married at age 19-20 and divorced.

My father was a business focused CPA who lost money in bad investments. They married while serving in the Army in France. My father believed the man should be in control, make all decisions and all the money; he owns everything including his wife and kids. He was honorable and fulfilled his duty to the family. He terrified me; I once bought two morning newspapers instead of one, and he scolded me sternly and said, "Don’t you ever do that again." My mother wasn’t scared of him and could not be tamed. They never screamed at each other but never discussed anything either; they gave each other the silent treatment. She was sneaky and deceptive. She never spoke about the baby that died. Creditors came to the door and mom told me, "Say no one is home.”

Gary: My dad was 30 and my mom 18 when they married. My mom was 19 when I was born and died when I was 14. Dad remarried – they’ve been married 46 years now.

My birth mom was tender and loving. She was a wonderful person; everybody loved her; she was beautiful. She died of a cerebral hemorrhage. Dad remarried a widow from around the corner – they needed each other. With hindsight she was difficult and careless with words.

Judy: She was the worst problem in our early marriage. Gary didn’t see the things she did to me. When I breast fed she asked, ‘how many ounces is he getting?’ She criticized the kids sleeping with us. Our house was never clean enough for her.

My mother-in-law said I was ruining the kids. Our oldest, Ian, has Asperger’s. He had screaming fits, mixed up his pronouns, and slept odd hours. He’s now 28 and has had several relationships with women. When he was bar-mitzvahed and read from the Torah, she decided he was OK. Our third son, Andrew, who is 23 and has Tourette’s, graduated from Brown, and works for ITA in Cambridge, MA as a software engineer. He was kicked out of Hebrew school and did not have a bar-mitzvah. We took our daughter Lea out at the same time and enrolled them both in a secular folk shul.

Gary and I have a marriage nothing like my parents’. My mom would buy non-kosher meat and let my father think it was kosher; she cooked and served food quickly and carelessly. I never have lied to Gary and never would.

Gary: What’s wonderful about openness is that there is no guessing about what the other one wants.

Judy: I believe we Jews were more understanding and kinder than neighboring tribes, as we see in the Ten Commandments and honoring one’s spouse. To me Jewish values means charity, education, and honoring and respecting the family – treating one’s children and spouse with kindness, respect, fairness, and understanding, and working to make the marriage last.

Gary: After lots of reading – mainly gentile authors, Aristotle, Aquinas, Descartes – I believe there is a God, but God doesn’t want or care about us. Judaism is a club with complicated bylaws that few read or know. Jews still have a pretty good club, with really nice people who really care about one another. I can go for days without thinking or feeling Jewish; it takes conscious effort. But I can tell you who all the Jewish major league ball players are.

Judy: I’m Jewish every moment, every second. My passion is Jewish genealogy. I feel part of a continuity. Everything I am is part of my heritage. This is what a child learns from his or her family and the family learns from the tribe. I feel happy and proud about being Jewish. From my genealogy study I learned that half of my paternal grandmother’s family perished in the Holocaust. I found numerous relatives at Yad Vashem. We are the representatives of those who were lost.

I would not have married someone who was not Jewish.

Gary: I was never in a position to find out.

Judy: I want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Becoming a social worker had to do with Jewish values. I was a medical statistician and epidemiologist. It came out of work I did with the Tourette’s Syndrome Association, and many of my fellow activists were Jewish, as were many of my social work classmates and faculty.

I didn’t know I would have wild brilliant kids whom their Hebrew school teachers wouldn’t know how to handle. I regret failing to convey Jewish values and Yiddishkheit to my kids – they didn’t have immigrant grandparents. My kids know I’ll accept whomever they marry, but I would be happy if at least one married a Jew. But I would rather they marry a gentile with good character than marry a Jew who is a snake. Ian and Elizabeth (who is from Taiwan) are so good to each other; maybe they’ll marry.

Gary: We have 100% commitment to 100% fidelity.

Judy: It’s understood. It’s one’s commitment in a marriage. I work with people who have affairs. Every time I hear about it I have a sinking feeling. It’s a horrible thing to do to your kids and spouse.

Gary: Our bodies are wearing out at the same rate.

Judy: Which displeases Gary more than it does me.

Gary: I don’t want to wear out.

Judy: This marriage is great without Viagra. When they were younger the kids made demands on my body; now I just give my body to Gary. There’s nothing competing with that. I would hate to see the institution of marriage end. I think kids need to see parents persevering. But I recommended that my niece leave her alcoholic husband.

Gary: Judy’s advice gave her the push; she knew from social work what alcoholism can do.

Judy: Gary is a loner. I spend many hours a day talking with people. When I get home I want to either be alone or with Gary. I have one close friend, Esther, whom I meet once a week for breakfast. We don’t have a social life. I’m not so good at socializing either.

I have a much better relationship with Gary than with God.

Gary: Spirituality and religion are different.

Judy: In religion there must be acceptance of a God. Spirituality is between people.

Gary: Spirituality is the sense that there is a non-organic communication between everything. I’d make a good Taoist. Likewise there is a movement and flow in our marriage. I have to make that work for me and for Judy, and make it happy.

I’m a "Yidophile." Judy may enhance that. If I were single or inter-married I’d have a smaller attachment to Jews. Marriage reinforces the attachment to other Jews. I care about Israel, because I have friends and relatives there, and so does Judy. There is a commitment; if you sign onto a cause you stick with it.

Judy: I belong to our tribe, and I belong to our marriage. My commitment to both grew over the years.

Gary: As I’ve learned more I realize that the Jewish community in Wilkes-Barre, PA, where I grew up, was modeled on shtetl life, but we did it without a hint of anti-Semitism. It was American magic, because the gentiles came from European anti-Semitic nationalities: Poles, Slovaks, Germans, ... This is America’s gift to the world.

I kept kosher and lained tefilin until I went to college. After my mom died I went to shul and said Kaddish twice a day. I’m glad I know that liturgy but am sorry I had to learn it that way. I’m the one who wants to remain a shul member so I’ll have that community when my dad goes.

Judy: My kids have already fulfilled my hopes: they’re ethical.

Gary: Fine wonderful people, and we’re proud of them.

Judy: I hope Lea finds a man she can have kids with; likewise for Ian. I hope Jay figures out that there’s more to women than looks. I hope Andy can continue to make a life for himself that he wants.

Gary: I hope he meets enough girls.

Judy: I hope Ian grows to be less self-critical. I hope Jay finds a girl friend on the right parameters. I hope they have no material wants. I hope they never experience anti-Semitism.

Gary: I haven’t had any deep losses since my mother died. Ritualistic mourning helped. I’ve had too few disappointments to mention. My dad is 92 and has had a wonderful life.

Judy: I like the Jewish funeral structure. I like that there is a defined period of mourning. I have always wished I could believe in God. I need God for all the reasons Rabbi Kushner mentions, but I don’t believe. I say the Shema nonetheless. If I did believe it would help me cope.

Gary: We had medical crises with the kids.

Judy: Ian had a cellulitis infection in his face. IV antibiotics fixed that. You can be a Jew without believing in God.