Self-Portrait
My love is a constellation of brown stars in a milky white sky.
It is a soul truly listened to.
It is a bug, carefully cradled, close, and content.
It is pencil shavings and old spice deodorant outweighed by self-doubt.
My sadness is anticipated and painfully peaceful.
It is a phone call.
It is backbreaking sobs and an old poem.
I wish for two simple things:
First, to be a light breeze that carries sound across the greenest grass you've ever seen,
and second, to smell pencil shavings and old spice deodorant.
An ode to two books
One smells of crisp spring crocuses blooming in a dusting of frost.
The other smells of water in the wind and the happy sound of rain hitting glass.
They lie in a small stack of other treasured texts, by a window.
The sun leaks through like golden syrup and spreads a clear coat of gloss on the dusty covers.
They lie there, nothing but paper and ink.
The very ink that flooded my mind and the paper that built a boat and sailed across it.
One taught me a beautiful way to live:
To be kind, always, lest some wayward willow tree be an ally in disguise.
The other taught me that there is always a third option:
To be ever on my toes and let those toes be in boots, just in case.
One with its harmless memories and the other’s firm resolve,
they are the reason my mind is shaped like two hands-
One to harbor and one to hold.
Summer
I joined the circus
because you asked me to.
I swallow swords and I
Guess birthdays and I
Balance on a tightrope in a cotton-candy sailor dress.
Sweat.
Overheating. Makeup spilling down my face.
I like to wait until the children leave
I like to bathe in the air and the dark and the cricket sounds, how they make me levitate.
Look away! I’m talking to the moon.
Not about you. Never about you.
How I would have run my hands over the sun when it gets too cold
How I would have drank the air and coughed up the pollen
Thrown myself off a mountain just to see if the clouds would catch me.
And it is beet red watermelon syrup now,
When you break me open (I say as I tear my hair out.)
(I say as I choke it down.)
This is not as innocent
As i thought it once was
It’s splitting, and it’s fracturing,
It’s seven years of bad luck
It’s turquoise and gold, this vanilla and gasoline, and violet and burnt-crimson orange and the taste of bitter apples all in places they shouldn’t be.
I’m sick of it.
Take me home.
Imbolc
I have been a single ten-foot long fish
At the bottom of a lake
(it was a dream, just so you know)
I felt pretty
I let the sun ripple off of my iridescence
I loved the cool water,
And the seaweed like confetti strips.
And so I saw a hook
A lure with a worm on it
And I knew it was a hook
And the way it glinted in the sun I couldn’t help but bite it anyway
My breath ripped out of me like an i.v.
I opened my eyes and the light was painfully real
I woke up (just so you know), like you do.
This is a way to leave that isn’t so difficult.
I drift away,
In dreams, and things
In shiny, disillusioned metaphors
Words on paper
From holographic ink
A barely-there fantasy in the back of my mind
It isn’t even real.
I made it all up.
Then tell me why,
Sitting alone in my bedroom,
Am I still pulling these lures out of my mouth?
Submerged Avion
Rusted wings
Can you believe that I could fly?
Oil seeps
From bullet holes along the side
A final flight
To face the fate of my designs
What a world
As I pull away from the sky
To the sun
I speak to you my final cry
Underwater
I sink unto my own demise
Labyrinth
El alma todavía vive.
Our day, today, is also yesterday and the week
Before now. Clockwork turns over on itself, cyclical
Humming a resolute resounding negation. Day is night
Is day is night, each the same.
Shall I have checked the time too many times
To count, and would it matter if I did?
Each day the same.
Lines of six separate us, me and you,
The lines of gears, tick tick tick towards another.
I saw a shelf of fungus on this walk, stepping stones
Leading to nowhere.
Lines of six, maybe more between me and you,
The lines on a cracked sidewalk
Traffic lines on empty streets
Twisting lines of cherry blossoms, etched soft against the sky
Lines on my face, gnarled hands worrying the watch face.
Gears turn over themselves in the wash bin,
Rise and repeat.
Each day the same.
Does time move on?
I think of you, on this walk,
Shouting without the words I need
To say what I need to say.
Lines of six separate us so far
Words cannot say what touch must.
On this walk, I saw an unknotted tree chalked with the word ‘SMILE.’
I wonder if I should have.
The day and night fall over on each other, growing slow
Like a knot on a tree
Covered by moss and choked, lineless.
Tornado Defense Mechanism
Tornado’s defense mechanism is simply this:
Spin ever so fast round and round in a twist
Use offensive maneuvers, then, to enlist
Those who would stand against inside
Of turbulent belly, where they’ll work and can’t hide,
To find trails of more ground to enlist as guide.
Eerie Calm
There exists a lake of eerie calm
Shore edge rocks whisper
Ripple water from invisible waves.
Water skippers homemake in reeds
twinkling
rustic
they dance up, over, under ripples.
Unmade silence breaks with child’s chime on nature,
footsteps beat in rhythm
laughter melody in song
Movement unchanging, escaping
Frost’s harsh bite cannot reach through swirling blood and reeds.
Reeds hold tight, if you know how to sing to them.
There exists a place they hold children tight
hugging warm, swirling blood pumping to footstep’s beat
jumping where earth trembles as a trampoline.
30,000 Feet
And here I am
all soft yawns
and red knees
rosy from being
crossed
and un-crossed
my eyes
drifting from the aisle
to the window
great mountains
deep lakes
long rivers
all tiny
small
a speck in my eyes
as I
am
in theirs
I tower above them
in the cramped
seat of awe
wondering if I’ll ever see them from
their own
ground
while my heart
chases cities and valleys
my mind capturing it all
the leather skin of my thoughts
the cream colored paper inside
adorned with fingerprint smudges alongside pencil marks
trying to see
some meaning
in the rolling hills
the lilac
painted over the stone and snow
of the tallest peaks
the ivory mass
shrouding pieces of the land below
broken up by soft beams of light
I want to capture it
before it
slips away.
A World All Our Own
The sound of a beating drum
echoes across the hills
in the pounding of heavily booted feet
against the rocky ground
A leader dressed
in red, blue, black
winding, delicate strips of golden embellishment
pushing forward, onward
A line of misfits traveling together
linked by skinny arms
and how they differ
from the rest of the world
Now a crowd
the force of youthful heroes
begins to swell
growing, pulsing, living
The dark of night cascades down the open sky
their bodies tired
limbs aching for rest they curl
around the jagged edges of moss covered stones
The first light of dawn
is greeted by outstretched arms and flailing legs
as tiny feet leave the ground
when their senses scream for them to stop at the edge
They swim in the open air
flying forward
searching for something
a place where their feet don’t touch the ground
The golden light hitting their faces
as they leave the boundaries of their bodies
to live in the world of
imagination
Everyday We Walk, We Work, We Survive
Our life will always
be a struggle
for children & adults alike
working with bleeding palms
hearts
minds
families
picking and sowing
sewing on patches to shredded knees
elbows
shirts stained with sweat &
tobacco filling pipes & being chewed
& spit onto the ground
where aching feet walk
backwards
forwards
into the
future our
children
play in the clouds of
pesticide clinging
to the skin
seeping into veins and blood
poisoned and sickened
we continue on
always moving & working
surviving
sometimes thriving
in communities all our own
small inviting
a cure for homelessness & loneliness
a constant fear looming above
out of reach to solve
the problems stretching in front of us
in the form of
neatly plowed rows of
green leaves
rich fruit
richer men
stealing from our very hands
fingers aching after days of plucking & picking
palms painted
purple
blue
with bruises
migration
banishment
onwards to the unknown
people & places wanting us
gone
invisible
complacent
through the darkness
into the
dawn
when it finally arrives
with warmth
& pleasantries
morning meals
empty fields
yesterday long gone
we walk
we work
we survive
Dear Younger Me
Dear Younger Me,
You knew what I wanted
You made me who I am
And to you I am always thankful
You still push me when things are hard
You inspire me every time I step on the dirt
And constantly remind me why everything matters
I look back at you
The little girl who fell in love and never looked back
I see you in strangers
I see you in friends
And I hope I always see you in myself
You are my heart that I sometimes try to hide
And sometimes let shine
You created the blocks that I stand for
And stand on
Thank you for making your favorite saying
Again again again
Which grew into my
Just one more
Younger me I will thank you
Just one more
Time
White Walls
I stare blankly at the white windowless wall
As it coughs dust and its paint flakes.
Mapping the speckles like stars in the galaxy,
I sit,
patiently,
Waiting for an idea to be transmitted from another universe.
A universe where poetry comes naturally,
And walls lack imperfections.
As shadows lower with the setting sun,
The wall changes hues,
Fading into the black night outside.
Finally something interesting to write about:
A camouflaging wall.
Poetry
This is a secret, between you and me,
I was never good at writing in a poetic way
Prose is all fine but once I get to poetry
I can only rhyme A, B, A, B, A
Sometimes I’ll try a different rhyme
But this writing’s so bad it could be a crime
I’m really just trying reach the tenth line
So I don’t go down the low grade pipeline
Well that’s enough whining I suppose,
I could take a little break from scribbling prose
At this point you’ve likely had enough to read
Any more of this trash might cause a brain bleed.
On Philosophy
Sometimes I wish
The world would stop spinning
So my head would stop spinning
So many thoughts
Flying through
Impossible speeds
I can try to grasp them
But only a few get through
These thoughts could change
Everything
If I could just
Reach out and
Take them
But the world doesn’t stop
My head doesn’t stop
I am in a constant chase
With my own mind
Silhouette
Humming muffled by the icy hair draped across his face
No distance will keep them apart
Rocks are rough
But he’s tougher
They are the children
Brothers and sisters
Hazey sunshine over the cliffs at dawn
Fighting for the past to stay
Hurling themselves into an abyss
It will be alright
They see the endless waves
One straggles behind
Pulling the weight
Sit and listen - Poem on Writing Poetry
Sit and listen.
Respect your surroundings but draw from yourself,
Stare at a page, a blinking dot, or think so hard that stanzas are conjured in your head,
Pen to paper, scrawl until satisfaction is made
Speak,
Open your lips, let the words flow like the breeze past your ears..
With passion or drawl, let the words be enthralling to all who wish to listen.
Open your eyes, and see an audience in front of you,
And watch as they,
Sit and listen.
Friends - Imitation of “On Being an Artist” by Noelle Kocot
Lifelong struggles are natural,
Adding interest to everyday boredom
As we drift through constant neutrality.
Lest we not forget that which entertains,
As we owe credit to our troubles.
I may forget names and faces yet,
Memories will remain.
To those whom I’ve endeared
Know there will be others like me.
And do not despair in the face of struggle
For your memories will lie beside you
As I did in day and night past.
And if I can remember that which I’ve forgotten,
I would be happy to rejoice in days far behind us.
Dear You
Success, bravery, satisfaction, courage, joy.
These words come to my mind when I now, freshly 18 years old, sit and write about how your life may be now, or how I will want my life to be when I am older, reading this little poem to my future self.
Success.
College is important, I hope you did well, hope you chose a good major. I hope you took hold of every opportunity there and immersed yourself in your time at Boston University so that you are successful. Successful in your career - and that enjoy it. I have high hopes now for what I one day might be and I hope you achieved all that I think about now as an 18 year old.
Bravery.
I hope you are brave. That you stand up for what you believe in and that you take on the next challenge in your life with your feet strongly in the ground and your head held high.
Satisfaction.
I hope you are satisfied with all you have done, with your successes, and even your failures, you learn from them.
Courage.
I hope you had enough courage to say what you wanted to, to be the person you wanted to be. I hope you had enough courage to go out of your comfort zone, and try something new. Maybe you have gone sky diving, maybe you have swam with sharks, or jumped off a cliff and plunged into the deep blue water below, or pursued your interest in sign language, or started an organization to contribute to socialize girls and encourage them to be comfortable with imperfection, or traveled to an amazing place to study abroad, or perhaps you now live in an amazing place.
It’s not perfection or bust, it’s about experience and taking part in the desires you have, to live your life to the fullest.
Joy.
I hope you are happy, that you still find joy in the simple things in life, from the sun rising and shining through the window onto the carpet that then turns warm, from the birds chirping in the spring, from the wind blowing in your hair and the feeling of freedom.
I hope you have good company around you and that you are on good terms with your mother and father, and also your sister.
I just hope you are happy and on the right track, enjoying life, living life, and appreciating all that is around you.
All the best,
Your 18-year-old self.
One Year From Now
By now I hope the city doesn’t seem so big
and I hope your sense of awareness
so precise
was not lost in the bustle
Whatever you do
don’t be too timid
you’ve learned that your actions end best
when you listen to your Gut
Don’t ever lose your imagination
but don’t let is trespass your common sense
Don’t take steps, take leaps
There’s noroomforspaces
And remember that voice of yours
is better heard through you
than through the minds of those around you
Writer’s Digest
Hannah
Cough up wads paper
Peel the scraps off tonsils
Crumpled and glistening
my own saliva
Yuck.
Carefully begin to unfold them
Set them in the sun to dry
Ink burns like salt on slugs
Hope they will improve
Hope.
Hold them up to the light now
so what’s left can be illuminated
Some words become gold, gilded
Rip them apart
Rip.
Take the good parts
A pitiful heap
Collage them together
Into something worth keeping
Keep it.
Take the rest
The ugly, fonts like black mold
spoiling the page
chew them back up
Swallow.
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.