Years ago, when I was promoted to Director at the Big Tech Company that employed me, one of the perks that came with the job was my own office.  I could close my door and not have to listen to the chatter and white noise of our open-concept workspace.  The quiet privacy was a wonderful improvement to my working day.

Comfort has always been a perk of power.  It is represented by the bigger office, the padded chair, and business class seats on planes (which I never got), but those are only references to physical comfort.  The other, much more pernicious way it shows up is psychologically:   In any group interaction, people with less social power are expected to bear any discomfort that arises so that the more powerful don’t have to.  It’s so much a part of our culture that few question it.

Examples are everywhere.  Teenaged girls are often advised by older women to defer to boys in various ways – allow them to win at games, or think they are right (when they are not).  Girls are told to put up with abusive behaviour from boys because “they're only doing that because they like you”.  This expectation can persist well into adulthood and the working world.  When I asked my social networks for personal experiences, one woman told me:

“I am one of 5 female coded people to 80 male coded people. And let me tell you, my survival in this workplace depends on me letting them win their games, believe they are smarter and think they are right. Because when I don’t do those things? I don’t get ahead.”

Marginalized people are often expected to “tone down” or hide their differences at work, to make others comfortable.  A straight person talking  about their date last night is just making conversation; a gay person doing the same thing is “shoving it in everyone’s faces”.  Black employees talking about news that specifically impacts them may be told they are being “too political at work”.  It is never explained why the comfort of the “others” is more important than the comfort of the marginalized people.   (Obviously how much this happens depends on where you live, and on the culture of your workplace.)

Autistic people have a term for this phenomenon: the “double empathy problem”.  When autistic and neurotypical people try to communicate, mutual misunderstandings can arise.  But the burden of preventing or overcoming those mutual misunderstandings is placed 100% on the autistic person, even though the problem is shared.  An autistic person asking for some accommodation around communication can find themselves labelled “difficult”.  Many autistic children are subjected to ABA therapy, whose purpose is to train them to artificially mimic neurotypical behaviours – effectively, to help children get along in the world by making neurotypical people around them more comfortable, but at a huge psychological cost to themselves.  This kind of constant masking can lead to burnout.

This social expectation – that the less powerful should take on any social discomfort to protect the powerful – is considered by some to be a feature, rather than a bug.  Being the boss means that I don’t have to be uncomfortable!  My staff treat me with deference.  No one dares tell me that I’m wrong or brings me bad news.  I can interrupt others, but no one interrupts me.  It’s good to be king!

But business “leaders” with that attitude pay a heavy price for it, in the quality of the information and support they get from their staff.  If you don’t want to hear bad news, your staff won’t tell you bad news – and then you’ll be blindsided by it.  If you can’t take criticism, then your staff will let you implement flawed plans or make terrible mistakes.  If you can’t handle another person being the smart one in the room, your staff won’t share their ideas and insights that would make the team more successful.  If your staff are focused on not upsetting your comfort, they are not focused on doing the work. An inability to handle psychological discomfort is one reason a person might become a micromanager, with disastrous consequences for the business.

Leaders who don’t want this kind of dynamic must fight against this default societal norm.  In other words, it’s going to happen unless you take proactive steps to prevent it.

If you want your staff to be open and honest with you, you need to pre-pay for that by making yourself uncomfortable in front of them.  That means admitting when you don’t know something, or when you make an error.  Apologizing when you are wrong.  Responding to bad news, criticism, and personal differences with humble curiosity, rather than annoyance, anger, or disdain.  You need to ensure that everyone on your team is treated with the same respect that you want to be treated with.  You can’t expect your staff to open up just because you tell them to – you need to demonstrate in every interaction that it is safe and desirable for them to do so.  Sharing the burden of discomfort consistently over time will foster the psychological safety that is key to great teamwork.

This is not a new idea.  In legend, King Arthur had a round table built so that he could sit with his knights in a way that removed visible ranking, and made them all equals.  He literally gave up the comfort of his throne in exchange for a better team dynamic.

There can be other power dynamics at play inside a team, of course.  Individuals on a team may be protected from criticism by benefit of nepotism, or by being considered a “rock star” in their specialty.  A group of friends may form a social clique, to provide mutual aid and comfort at the expense of others outside the clique.  Once you become aware of this dynamic, you see it everywhere, which is the first step towards knocking it down.

There will always be some discomfort in interactions between people, whether at work, or among friends, or even between people in a couple.  In healthier groups, the burden working through that discomfort is shared, and not pushed completely onto the less socially powerful. The reward is honesty, a general reduction in discomfort (since everyone has worked through it) and energy focused on solving the problems of the day, rather than protecting the delicate feelings of insecure individuals.

More from John  (or follow his RSS Feed )

Management Misconceptions - Everything television told you about being a manager is wrong

Psychological Safety Gaps - How leaders are getting it wrong

Toxic Legacy - Why losing your toxic employees is only the first step

Micromanagement and Psychological Safety - How a toxic management style impacts team health

The Authentic Team - The problem with bringing your whole self to work

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