When I recently interviewed 40 managers and asked them what they wished they had known when they first started managing, many people talked to me about how heavy the new responsibility felt to them.  They wanted to really do right by their teams, but found themselves overwhelmed.  As one said to me:

“I tried too hard to be perfect, to be all things for each person on the team. All the things I thought they needed. And I think that I overstretched myself.  And then my team grew and I quickly got to a point where I could not scale that. And then things fell apart.”

Many new managers set very high expectations for themselves, much higher than their bosses have for them.  Probably the most common stress-inducing self-expectation is that a manager should have all the answers, and should always know what to do.  I remember this from my own early days as a manager: trying to keep up with everything that was going on with the business and the market, reading every management book and article I could find, digging into my one-on-ones to make sure I understood every nuance of the problems people brought to me.  It felt impossible, because it was.  Another senior manager described the same thing to me:

“The transition for me there was learning how to let go of the fact that I didn't necessarily know the answers… how to come to terms with the fact that I'm now leading individuals and overseeing projects that I don't really fully understand.”

If you are a new manager feeling heavy expectations, please take to heart these messages from senior managers to their younger selves:

“You don’t have to have all the answers.”

“It's okay to say, ‘You know what? I don't know about this. I don't understand. Help me understand, even if there is maybe an expectation that I should know.’”

“You're not always going to have all the answers for those employees and it's okay. They're going to look up to you for guidance and support and sometimes you're going to have absolutely no idea.  I made this mistake several times where I tried to rationalize an answer and make something up and it only backfired in the end. So I think having that humility to say, ‘That's a really great question and I'm not sure right now. I'm gonna take it away and think about it and come back with a better idea for you’. And being okay with that is one of the biggest things I wish someone had told me.”

“Don’t feel like you have to have to control everything.”

When you accept that you can’t know everything, a few things become clear.  One is the importance of delegation – moving decisions to where the most information exists, rather than trying to move all the information to yourself to make every decision.  The second is the importance of establishing psychological safety on your team, all the way down.  As a leader who can’t know everything, you are largely dependent on the information coming to you from your staff.  And if you don’t have psychological safety, you won’t know if your staff are giving you accurate information – including bad news you need to hear.

If you are afraid that admitting you don't know everything will make you look incompetent or unprofessional to your team, I have good news for you.  Being vulnerable with your direct reports actually increases trust.  If you admit to your team when you don't know something, they'll know you are being honest when you say you do know something.  And they will learn that it's okay to admit when they don't know things and need help.

So let it go.  You don’t have to know everything – instead, build the team where you can trust your staff to let you know what you need to know, and to make good decisions within their scope without your oversight.  Your health will thank you.

More from John  (or follow his RSS Feed )

Management Misconceptions - Everything television told you about being a manager is wrong

Psychological Safety Gaps - How leaders are getting it wrong

How do I know if my team is Psychologically Safe? - This scorecard might be for you

Toxic Legacy - Why losing your toxic employees is only the first step

Why don't people participate in meetings?    or, Why can't I get a word in edgewise?

Holding a Mirror to Corporate Values - Figuring out what the actual core values of your company are

Whose Opinion Matters? - How culture can make or break your decision making

Micromanagement and Psychological Safety - How a toxic management style impacts team health

The Authentic Team - The problem with bringing your whole self to work