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"LOOKING BACK AT ME" FILM PROJECT
"LOOKING BACK AT ME" FILM PROJECT
This was my initial idea. Last year I submitted a film, Young and Queer Vermont, to the Freedom and Unity Film Contest. I was honored to have received first place, but I still felt like I could create something a lot better. This year, I was motivated to take my filmmaking skills to another level using what I learned about storytelling, collaboration, organization, and the leadership skills I gained from the production of Severus and my internship to create a documentary on the personal narrative of an LGBTQ person living in Vermont. My plan was to make it look less documentary-like (such as a very formal interview setting or news-outlet B-roll) and more like a short film with cinematic elements and a structure of storytelling. I really wanted to create a film that an audience could empathize with. The goal was to raise awareness for non-binary identities and the LGBTQ community by highlighting the story of a single person, in this case, my friend Sade Bolger. I believe one of the ways we can make an impact on our society is by highlighting LGBTQ voices and being ourselves, unapologetically. I believe we can really make connections with people from different background and opinions simply by empathizing and acknowledging the other person's humanity. This is what I wanted to accomplish with my short film, Looking Back at Me. Not only that, but I also wanted to show how a person's passions can overlap with the environment they grew up in and the identities they hold. With a run time of 25 minutes and 50 seconds, it's really something I have never done before, and I'm incredibly proud of the production, from start to finish.
"Sade Bolger is an 18-year-old musician from Vermont. Recently having come out as non-binary, this documentary highlights Sade in relation to their passion for music, their unapologetic authenticity, and their place in Vermont in a genuine endeavor to influence the future, both online and in person.
"Sade Bolger is an 18-year-old musician from Vermont. Recently having come out as non-binary, this documentary highlights Sade in relation to their passion for music, their unapologetic authenticity, and their place in Vermont in a genuine endeavor to influence the future, both online and in person.
Looking Back at Me highlights Sade as they represent and give voice to the trans and nonbinary people in the world who constantly combat stigma and erasure. By telling their story, Sade displays the intersectionalitiy between identities, passions, and the places you call home."
Looking Back at Me highlights Sade as they represent and give voice to the trans and nonbinary people in the world who constantly combat stigma and erasure. By telling their story, Sade displays the intersectionalitiy between identities, passions, and the places you call home."
Some of the guiding questions that I referenced throughout the production of the project included:
- How does one plan for a documentary? What does a script for a documentary look like?
- What elements techniques of other documentaries that I enjoy can I apply to this one so that I get the product that I’m envisioning?
- How do I convey this as a narrative documentary? How can this follow the structure of a fictional story?
- What elements can be used to encourage empathy, engagement, and connection from the audience? How do I convey the message I want to convey?
- Where would shooting locations be?
- Who can I ask for feedback or advice?
- What are some interviewing techniques? What are good/bad questions to ask?
- What equipment will be needed from V-CAM and how is it used?
My initial idea led to me making a list of potential candidates to be the main subjects of the film. I was looking for someone who was a youth, part of the LGBTQ community, who was confident with their own identity, who was comfortable talking about personal topics, who was assertive and authentic, and had a story to tell. Out of all the candidates I brainstormed, Sade Bolger was the perfect person I envisioned to be featured in the film. The biggest element that drew me to them was their openness and self-advocacy for the LGBTQ community on their YouTube channel. Not only did Sade have experience speaking in front of a camera, but they were also enthusiastic about sharing their story in an effort to raise awareness and educate others. This is exactly what I wanted to do with my film, and I thought it would be great if both of us were working towards the same goal/message. I wanted this film to also show the intersectionality between passions, identity, and the places we call home. Sade's career in music displays that. Sade is also an incredibly talented musician, and writes their own songs. From a producer's standpoint, this was really appealing, as I wouldn't have to worry about copyright infringement - something a lot of contest/festival judges are impressed by. There were so many more reasons why Sade would be perfect for this project - Sade's supportive and wonderful family, their experience with top surgery, the perfect documentation of the different stages Sade went through developing their identity available right on their YouTube channel, the larger audience/following they had on their social media platforms, and so much more. Of course, I was beyond excited when Sade showed interest in participating in this project, and even more so when we met at Muddy Waters in January to talk more about what I was going for. When the potentiality of this collaboration and opportunity dawned on me, I was eager to get started right away. I realized that if I played my cards right, this could result in something that I'd always dreamed of creating. I created a lesson plan, and started the pre-production work.
It was challenging to figure out a timeline and filming days that worked for both my own and Sade's schedule. I think this was the most difficult part of the project, and it did become a bit stressful the closer we got to the deadline. Because of this, we were incredibly productive on the days that we could film. I am a member of the local media organization V-CAM (Vermont Community Access Media), so I was able to rent out professional equipment. There were a few bumps in the road during the production of the film, but overall, shooting days were really an adventure. We'd spend 3-4 hours filming content from interviews to B-Roll to nat sound breaks to musical performances. We covered a wide variety of topics and activities - I had more than enough to work with during post production. I had to do a lot of improvising and problem solving, as one must always do during a film production. An impromptu interview led to the makeshift lighting sculpture, as you can see below. It was quite an achievement in engineering, if I may say so myself. Overall, I enjoyed the experience, especially when we ran into situations that were unplanned yet worked perfectly. It was an exercise in taking taking advantage of unanticipated opportunities and leaps of faith, and I loved it. The most remarkable example of this was on the last day of filming. It started with an idea the night before that led me to call seven different maple and sugar houses, one of which was supportive in allowing Sade to perform at their establishment the following day. I was thrilled by the idea of the location, and capturing Sade performing to an audience. The next day, after having eaten our fill of sugar and snow and cider donuts, we started setting up the shoot. As I was adjusting my tripod, a little girl - Poppy - came up to me and, almost off of a script, she asked, "Is that a boy or a girl?" I laughed, turned on my camera, and replied "Let's ask them!" From that moment Poppy developed a massive crush on Sade, and followed us around for the whole day. She wanted Sade to sing to her, so we went upstairs, and with the intention of simply filming another musical performance for the film, Poppy asked some hilarious questions. This had been completely unplanned. We never prompted her to say the things she said, such as, "he's a boy I know it, because he said that he has a girlfriend, so!" Well, Sade answered her, and I triple checked that the camera was rolling. We had a talk with Poppy's mom afterwards, who was incredibly supportive and excited about the film we were producing. Moments like that, I think, are very unique to documentary filmmaking. They were almost magical, in some way. The unplanned, and the unexpected, made the whole experience an amazing adventure and an extraordinary learning experience for me. Below is my overall reflection on the project, which I am so grateful to have been a part of.
MVI_8278.MOVREFLECTION
REFLECTION
I definitely concentration on the technical side of things - communicating with Vermont Community Access Media to book equipment, setting up the camera, lighting and sound, sticking to the script and making sure I was getting the content I was looking for - however, I unconsciously began to get really invested with the message of the film. Interviews with Sade were actually very comforting and validating for me. I would read off my script of prepared questions and topics to cover, but it quickly became informal and I began interacting with Sade in a way that was also valuable to me. Rather than the one-sided structure of interviewing someone I was used to, it evolved into a conversation. I learned so much about myself, and I did a lot of reflection on my own identity. I had insightful discussions with Sade's family and stayed up late recording and listening to Sade's music, talking about identity with them, or editing footage in their living room. With the intention of displaying Sade's story, I had become immersed in Sade's story. It was an element that I had not anticipated or accounted for. I hadn't experienced this the last few documentaries I worked on. The subject and I were always at a distance from one another, a barrier of professionalism and formality between us. They were also mostly just a series of interviews to be used as something informative or educational. This time, however, I got really involved with the life of the person I was interviewing. Sade was my friend throughout the whole project. It felt more like a collaboration than a service. I met Sade's family, learned about Sade's past, and had witnesses some very heartfelt and difficult conversations. I felt honored, for example, to be a part of and document the interaction Sade had with their father. I got emotional when Sade talked about their experience with dysphoria because I related so strongly to it. I think my involvement with the subject and message of the film - that being Sade and their narrative - was something that really made a difference in the way I captured Sade and their story. I remember attended the Middlebury New Filmmakers Film Festival last year, and at a Q&A with the filmmakers of the documentary The Guys Next Door. They talked about how they'd been so involved documenting the life of the main subjects, Erik and Sandro, for two whole years, that when the documentary was completed, it was actually a very difficult and upsetting experience for the filmmakers to dislodge themselves from the lives of Erik and Sandro. They'd been there for the birth of Erik and Sandro's daughter, they traveled to Italy and filmed Sando coming out to his family, they watched the children grow up, learn to talk, and take their first steps. I'm sure it must have been really challenging and disorienting, in some way, to wrap up the film and go home after two years. Sure, they'd still be friends, the directors had said. But it wasn't the same, the camera gave them an excuse to become part of the family, in some way. Did I experience that feeling to the same extent? Of course not, I'd only been working on this project for two months, and the content of the film wasn't nearly as intricate. However, I could relate to their experience in some way. Sade and I are still good friends, and creating the film was an amazing adventure, but I have to admit a part of me was sad once the video was uploaded, that the project was over. The adventure had come to an end. I don't regret it for a second, and I appreciated every moment of that journey - honestly, I hadn't even expected to see it as a journey when I'd first started the project. But it was, from the beginning to the end, and I could never have anticipated how fondly I'd cherish it.
After the film was uploaded, I started receiving dozens of messages, shares, and comments. This, too, is something I have never experienced before - seeing how a film I'd created impacted the people who watched it. It's funny, because if you view the video Humans of South Burlington High School made about me (watch it under About Me), I mention how one of my biggest goals in life is to "create a film that inspires people ... or something that changed their life, or changed their views." This wasn't a big film production. It's not a professional full-length feature film with raving reviews and a grossing box office income. However, this is the closest I've gotten so far to meeting this dream of mine. I got some absolutely heart-warming and powerful messages and comments on my video. It was absolutely surreal to me. I had never felt this form of immense gratitude and joy, knowing that something that I had worked so hard on, for so long, was actually making a difference and impacting the people that viewed it. As I'd said, this had been my dream, my goal, all along. I am so thankful to the hundreds of comments and messages I received, and for this entire experience. I'm excited to see where the film brings me next - I submitted it to a few festivals and contests - but the response I've gotten, and the fact that it's there and it exists and people are watching it, has been more than rewarding for me. Below are some of the messaged I received, which all motivate me to continue pursuing this career as a filmmaker and will fuel my inspiration, I believe, for years to come.
"As someone who is rarely moved to tears by media, I am sitting in the bath SOBBING over your film. As a filmmaker and a floater in the genderverse I am so touched by this film on a level I cannot even begin to describe. I know you're getting TONS of these messages tonight but truly truly truly I am beyond words at how much this means to me. thank you ... Queer filmmakers and artists of all kind forever!! I am feeling the community wide love buzz that you created tonight, everyone can feel this love. Thanks for being a creator."
"Just got around to watching this!! and I must say, I definitely teared up more than once. Such a well done and lovely documentary. You're an incredibly well spoken and all around bright person and I'm honestly so happy for you! I'm glad that people have something like this film to find hope and inspiration in, I know I did 💘 "
"Dear Alex, Please know I need no response to this e-mail. I watched your documentary on Sadie this morning and was moved to tears. It's an incredible piece. Thank you, Alex. "
"Finding and accepting yourself for YOU and not for the rest of the world. This video is an AMAZING piece of art and vital information for not just those with similar perspectives or ideals but one that shines on the purity of a topic which many do not understand... I'm an emotional, empathetic and caring person and I am who I am, NOT what the standard voice of masculinity wants me to be. I will never feel devastated and broken for crying in front of my ex-marine sister and my brother in law who I respect and love. I will show who I am to my family because they deserve no less. I will be true to them and know that I am lucky enough to have their love and acceptance! This video inspires me, and I have no doubt that i am my own man. I'm not trans, and not really even part of the LGBT community. Sade, you can touch the hearts of of SO MANY different kinds of people. You are a voice and I'm overwhelmed with pride to be your friend and i am proud of you!"
"That was such a profound video!! Sadie is an amazing advocate for confidence and individuality. I really can't find the words to express my support and pride."
"Really powerful documentary made by my fellow Big Picture classmate and friend Alex. This movie tells the story of another friend of mine Sadie, and her experiences growing up in Vermont as non-binary. please watch! it made me cry!!"
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