Dealing with Power Struggle by Asking Questions!

Even though they might not realize it, many parents who call us are locked in power struggles with their kids. Whenever they order their kids to do something, or command them not to do something, their kids completely ignore them or resist by arguing.

Most families will experience power struggles between parents and kids, and these struggles create tension and stress for everyone in the family. One technique for defusing power struggles, as well as alleviating stress, is the simple act of asking questions.

Which is more powerful, a question, or a statement? Here are some examples of differences between statements or orders, and questions.

Saying, “Stop behaving that way,” is more likely to create resistance than saying, “Can you save that behavior for later?”

“That’s too expensive. I’m not buying it,” will probably create more of a battle than, “How are you planning to pay for that?”

“Take out the trash. I’m not taking you to your friend’s house until you do,” stands a better chance of starting a protracted argument than, “When do you suppose I’ll be willing to take you to your friend’s house?”

Many times, a thoughtful inquiry has a far greater impact on a child’s thinking and behavior than a statement. Why is this?

Statements tend to create resistance.
Questions are more likely to create thinking.

Why are commands or orders from parents so often met with resistance from kids? One reason is that the message tends to be accompanied by a tone of voice that is much more likely to trigger an emotional response rather than a thinking response.

Why are questions so powerful? Do they cause our minds to search for closure in the form of answers? Does the brain have less energy to fight when it’s busy pondering a question? Questions, when asked with an empathetic tone, tend to result in a thinking reaction instead of an emotional reaction.

Here are some examples of strategic questions:

• When do I allow kids to enjoy treats?

• When do I listen to kids?

• What do you think might happen if you don’t let me know where you are? If you ran into a serious problem, would I know where to find you to help?

• When I pick up your toys for you, who gets to keep them?

• How can you prove that you are ready to drive the car?

When children get older, will they need even better decision-making skills than we needed at their age? Are the consequences of their decisions more serious than they were a decade ago? Sometimes it’s smart to tell our kids what to do, but will we enjoy fewer power struggles if we keep this to a minimum?

What’s another benefit of asking questions? When we ask questions, we communicate a very powerful and loving message:

I know that you can think! I believe in you!

Power struggles in families can also arise between parents. Over the years, we have learned that Love and Logic not only works between adults and kids, but between adults as well.

One of our primary jobs as parents is to help our children become so full of healthy habits, coping skills, and positive relationships that there is no room for the negative. Although this is undoubtedly easier said than done, demonstrating love while empowering our kids to own and solve their own problems is a huge step.