Current models of suicidality, such as the IMV or Integrated Motivational Volitional model remind us that suicide often involves long‑standing vulnerabilities (diathesis), painful pre-exisitng internal states, and factors that influence whether someone acts on suicidal thoughts or attempts again. 

Diathesis includes things like early trauma, biology, and long‑standing mental health conditions. In the context of the peer support we offer, none of these can be changed for the person who has died, or erased in someone who has already made an attempt.

Your role is not to fix someone’s diathesis or guarantee that no one will ever think about suicide or attempt again. Your role is to notice risk, reduce isolation and hopelessness, connect people to safety, and support those impacted. Keeping this boundary in mind protects you from unrealistic responsibility and helps you stay out of an unhealthy “rescuer” or “parent” role.

Whether you’ve heard about a death by suicide, supported someone after an attempt, or listened to suicidal thoughts on a call or in a group, your wellbeing matters.

Helpful self‑care basics:

• Routines: Aim for regular sleep, food, movement, and small daily anchors like walks or grounding activities.

• Connection: Talk with trusted colleagues, the PBB Helpline, or your own peer network instead of carrying everything alone.

• Formal support: Use debriefs, Helpline, your Manager, PBB’s Employee Assistance Program, your GP, or a counsellor, especially if you feel on edge, numb, overwhelmed, or “switched on” all the time.

Warning signs you are overloaded include:

• Replaying conversations or images

• Dreading shifts

• Feeling you must be available 24/7 

• Becoming irritable or detached. 

These are prompts to step back and share the load, not to push yourself harder.

If you notice your own thoughts intensifying, or becoming suicidal, treat this as you would want an attendee to: reach out early, let someone know, and connect with professional help.

In families, parentification is when a child takes on adult‑level emotional or practical responsibility for a parent. The child becomes the confidant, stabiliser, or decision‑maker and carries more than is fair, safe or appropriate.

In our peer support environment, a similar pattern can appear when:

• Attendees or callers feel responsible for keeping the facilitator, mentor, or volunteer okay.

• A person who has survived a recent attempt feels responsible for reassuring or looking after the peer that supported them.

• A caller or mentee with suicidal thoughts is treated as if they must protect others from worry or distress.

• Attendees are handed big safety or group decisions that should sit with the trained volunteer or the organisation.

In those moments, the person who came for support begins to take care of us, or carry responsibility for the group or service. This can increase their anxiety, guilt, and sense of being “too much” or “not enough”, all of which can worsen suicidal thinking or shame.

Think of yourself as a skilled, compassionate guide, not a parent, saviour, or best friend. The following practices help keep that balance when there has been a death by suicide, an attempt, or suicidal thoughts disclosed.

a) Information boundaries

• Do: share brief, accurate information about a suicide or attempt only when needed for context and safety; normalise common reactions; explain what support is available.

• Don’t: graphic detail, private clinical or family information, or using the space to process your own trauma (for example, describing your intrusive images or thoughts).

For example with a caller or attendee:

• Instead of saying, “I can’t stop seeing what happened; it haunts me,” try saying “This situation has affected me too, and I’m making sure I have my own support so I can focus on you right now.”

b) Responsibility boundaries (including safety and planning)

• Do: invite capacity‑appropriate participation in safety planning. This might sound like, “Let’s think together about what might help you stay safe tonight and who else we can involve”.

• Don’t: placing final responsibility for safety on the person alone. This could sound like, “Don’t do anything silly” or “Promise me you won’t try again”.

Examples:

• With someone who has suicidal thoughts:

  • Instead of “I need you to promise you won’t attempt,” try saying “I can’t control everything you do, but together we can build a plan that makes it easier to stay safe and connected. Let’s talk about what helps and who we can involve.”

• With group members after an attempt or death by suicide:

  • Instead of saying, “You decide whether we follow that person up,” try saying “Our team will follow up around safety. What would help you feel supported right now?”

c) Emotional boundaries

• Do: show calm, boundaried empathy. This might sound like, “I’m really glad you told me about these thoughts; you don’t have to manage them on your own here”.

• Don’t: asking attendees or callers to regulate your emotions. This could sound like, “I don’t know how I’ll cope if you tell me more” or “I need you to keep coming so I know you’re okay”.

Examples:

• After a suicide attempt:

  • Instead of saying, “You really scared us; we can’t go through that again,” try saying, “That was serious, and it tells us how much pain you’ve been in. Let’s focus on how we can support you now and keep you connected.”

• After a death by suicide:

  • Instead of saying, “We all need you to help each other get through this,” try saying, “We are all affected in different ways. There is support here for you, and I’m also getting support to be able to do this work.”

d) Dependence boundaries

• Do: encourage multiple supports like GPs, counsellors, crisis lines, peer support programs like PBB’s Dads in Distress, Mums in Distress, Grandparents in Distress, Veterans in Distress, as well as other community links.

• Don’t: becoming the only lifeline for them. This could sound like, “Only talk to me about your suicidal thoughts” or “You can always call me personally, any time day or night”.

For example with someone who has suicidal thoughts or has attempted:

• “I’m glad you reached out today. I’m here with you now, and I’d like us to also add other supports so you don’t have to rely on just one person or one service.”

These basic principles protect attendees, mentees, and callers from being “parentified” and protect you from unsustainable over‑responsibility.

Whether you’re dealing with a death by suicide, attempts, or suicidal thoughts, you do not have to do this alone.

• Use our team structures: debriefs (online, with your State Manager, with your colleagues), handovers, and clear escalation pathways mean safety decisions are shared, not carried by one person.

• Use peer and professional support: talk about what you’re hearing and how it’s affecting you in appropriate spaces rather than with attendees or callers.

• Respect your limits: if you feel too affected by a particular situation (for example, it closely mirrors your own history), ask for a change in duties, a co‑facilitator, or a break.

Stepping back or sharing risk is responsible practice. It helps keep you grounded and makes it less likely that you will unconsciously lean on attendees to look after you.

No single volunteer, facilitator, mentor, or helpline operator is expected to carry the weight of a death by suicide, a recent attempt, or active suicidal thoughts alone. This work is deliberately structured as a team responsibility because one person cannot hold all the risk, emotion, or decision-making safely or sustainably.

When a death by suicide occurs, an attempt is disclosed, or someone is expressing current suicidal intent:

• Immediately activate the agreed escalation pathway (notify your State Manager, or Helpline without delay).

• Hand over or co-manage any active safety planning; never keep a high-risk situation to yourself “to protect the team” or because you feel personally responsible.

• Use formal debriefing and critical incident processes – these are not optional extras; they are part of the safety system for everyone involved.

• If you are the first to hear the news or support the person, your job is to connect, contain, and pass on – not to manage the entire situation single-handedly.

Trying to “go it alone” is one of the fastest paths to burnout, blurred boundaries, and unintentional parentification. Leaning on the team is not weakness; it is the professional standard. The strongest and most experienced among us know that the moment we think “I have to handle this by myself,” that is the exact moment we must reach out and bring others in. Shared responsibility protects the attendee and protects you.

You cannot undo someone’s diathesis (long‑standing vulnerabilities), erase every suicidal thought, or guarantee that no one will ever think about, or attempt to take their life. You can:

• Notice distress and thoughts of suicide.

• Respond with calm, boundaried care.

• Share responsibility and connect people to wider supports. (here's a quick reference guide if you're concerned about an attendee)

• Protect attendees from taking on too much responsibility or information.

• Look after your own wellbeing so you can keep doing this work.

Holding this balance, between compassion and limits, between caring for people and not asking them to care for you, helps keep both you and the people you support as safe as possible around suicide, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts.