In my practice, I have come across many children and young persons who project words that their parents use on them, even without them knowing.

Joe (not his real name) came to see me as he was struggling with low self-esteem. He had a lot of self-blame for not being able to do well in his studies. Joe often criticised himself with thoughts such as "What's wrong with me, why can't I get it right.." whenever something didn't turn out the way he wanted it to be. This happened almost naturally every time without him noticing. Joe then realised that his father often uses "What's wrong with you!?" whenever Joe does something that is not to his father's approval.

Jane (not her real name) struggled with her own feelings and often thought that she did not matter to anyone. This was largely due to her parents who unknowingly created that impression whenever they said things such as "If you fall sick, we can't go to work and have to look after you", "Stop crying, others are looking at us, we don't want people to think badly of us". Jane felt that her parents were more concerned about themselves or how others perceived them than caring for her feelings.

Often, parents do not realise the power of their words and actions on their children. The way parents speak with their children becomes their inner voice later in life. This is so because young persons and children seek their parents' approval even though they may not show it. If they feel their parents approve of them, they will approve of themselves. They treat themselves the way they are treated by parents.

Here are some tips you could use:

1. Be mindful of how you might react to your child when you are stressed or feeling tired. This refers to your tone of voice and choice of words.

2. During conversations with your child, don't rush to provide advice. Listen and take turns to discuss.

3. Instead of instructing, try reflecting on the positive outcomes of things done in a certain way and check how they feel about it. For example, instead of instructing your child not to be late, share about how being ahead of schedule could help one to feel less rushed. Check how he or she feels if he or she gets to complete tasks on time or ahead of time.

4. If there are certain decisions made by your child that you think would have negative pressure from societal norms, centre the conversation starting from inside of your child (their thoughts, feelings) and outwards to people around (inside-out), rather than from people's perspective towards them (outside-in).

5. Let your child know that their inputs matter and you value that.

The guide to use for creating positive inner voices in your child would be how you want to be spoken to by significant people in your life.