Wellness Tips

We adults tend to interpret children’s behaviour through the lens of logic. A child laughing or acting as if they don’t care when they have done or said something hurtful means they have no empathy. But we can’t ascribe adult logic to children’s behaviour. While their actions may seem irrational and disturbing at face value, when you look at it from the child’s perspective, their behaviour often makes sense.

These evasive responses don't mean that your child lacks empathy or feelings. Many children, especially those who are highly sensitive (HS) by nature, experience corrections or even directions as personal indictments, not as objective rules you are setting. This triggers them to feel shame. Laughing, turning or running away, and covering their ears are all coping mechanisms, albeit socially unacceptable ones, that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions.

Cognitively, they know they have done something unacceptable but they don’t have the skills yet to stop themselves from acting on their impulses. They engage in all sorts of evasion to distract from the stress and discomfort of these encounters. They are just trying to cope with feelings they are having a hard time understanding and managing.

Because this behaviour is so triggering, you may be prone to react harshly and punitively in these moments—blurting out shaming responses along the lines of, “What is wrong with you? Do you think hurting your friends is funny?” The problem is that these kinds of reactions amplify your child's feelings of shame and send them further spiralling out of control. When children's brains are flooded with emotion, they can't think clearly, so no amount of correcting can be effective in that moment.

Instead, consider the following strategies that are not just sensitive but often much more effective in helping HS children to ultimately reflect on and learn to take responsibility for their actions.

If your child laughs, sticks out his tongue or covers their ears, ignore it. Telling them to stop or asking them why they are doing this only reinforces these responses. Plus, kids don’t know why they are reacting in this way. If your child is turning away, don't try to force him to make eye contact. You can't actually make him look you in the eye, so this can turn into a power struggle and divert attention away from the incident at hand.

Discuss the incident when your child is calm. Our natural impulse as adults is to use logic to teach our kids a lesson in these maddening moments. But when children are overwhelmed emotionally, they don’t have access to the part of the brain that enables them to think and reason. Wait until your child has calmed down to engage in any reflecting and teaching.

Approaching these incidents calmly and dispassionately, without shaming and indicting the child, makes it less likely that they will rely on avoidance and evasion and more likely that they will learn to express their emotions in acceptable ways. After all, that is the ultimate goal.

If you have any concerns about your child's socio-emotional wellbeing in school, please feel free to get in touch with our School Counsellors.