Your Call Is Important to Us

Flash-fiction - by Barbara A. Barnett 

Thank you for calling Eschatological Associates. To continue in English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For R'lyehian, press 3.

Thank you. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance or final judgment. 

To help us best direct your call, please choose from the following menu options. Please listen carefully, as our menu has recently changed.

For billing inquiries, press 1. 

For technical support, press 2. 

To purchase a custom-made fallout shelter, press 3.

For inquiries about the state of your immortal soul, press 4.

To report an apocalypse-level event, press 5.

For all other inquiries, press 6.

Congratulations, you are experiencing an apocalypse-level event. Please choose the nature of the event from the following options.

For zombies, press 1.

For alien invasions, press 2.

For the rise of Cthulhu or another Elder God, press 3.

For events described in religious and mythological texts, press 4.

For natural disasters, including asteroids hurtling toward Earth, press 5.

For man-made disasters, press 6. 

For all other apocalyptic events, press 7.

You have selected "man-made disasters." If you are personally responsible for this disaster, press 1. If you are not the responsible party, press 2. 

You have accepted responsibility for the end of days. If you accidentally triggered this apocalypse, press 1. If you intentionally triggered this apocalypse, press 2.

Congratulations, you have successfully triggered an apocalypse and will likely be responsible for the deaths of millions. If you need assistance with your apocalypse, press 1. If you regret your decision, press 2.

We are deeply sorry that you regret your decision to destroy the world. To cancel your apocalypse, press 1. Or, to continue with your apocalypse, press 2.

You have chosen to cancel your apocalypse. A member of our Apocalypse Cancellation Team will be happy to assist you with this process. Due to the highly specialized nature of doomsday cancellations, we require more information about the nature of your apocalypse to better direct your call. Please select from the following options.

If you unleashed a chemical agent, press 1.

If you unleashed a deadly virus or other contagion, press 2.

If you launched a nuclear strike, press 3.

If you activated any other type of doomsday weapon, press 4.

For all other man-made disasters, press 5.

We are sorry your disaster was not included in our menu options, but commend you for your originality and creative thinking in trying to end the world. At the tone, please state the nature of your man-made disaster so that we may better direct your call.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. At the tone, please try again.

I'm sorry, I still didn't understand that. Please stay on the line to speak with a customer service representative.

All of our customer service representatives are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and someone will take your call as soon as possible. Your estimated hold time is 66 minutes. There are 84 callers ahead of you.

At Eschatological Associates, we strive to usher in the end times with professionalism and integrity. Visit us online at eschatologicalassociates.com to learn what kind of apocalypse is right for you.

Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and one of our representatives will take your call as soon as possible. Your estimated hold time is 33 minutes. There are 22 callers ahead of you.

Did you know? At Eschatological Associates, there are no monthly payments, hidden fees, or blood rituals required. Ending the world has never been so easy or affordable. Call us today to—

Thank you for holding. You are being transferred to a customer service representative.

I'm sorry, but no one at Eschatological Associates is available to take your call at the moment. Please try again during our regular business hours, which are 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday, excluding holidays. Or, leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message, and we will return your call as soon as possible, unless the world ends first. Thank you.

THE END