Creating a plan requires a great deal of mental energy, focus, and direction. Yet we also need to be able to step away from a plan that no longer serves us. Can you think of a time where you had to give up on a plan and wished you’d let go of it sooner?
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I think this is the first time I've been given this reflection prompt, which is why it made me stop for a while and have little crisis. It's a good point to reflect upon, it can teach someone a lot about themselves and the past decisions they've made in the past... something a lot of people like to ignore and move forward from...
As a stubborn person, which is something I do not admit to, just repeating what people around me tell me, I am not someone to give up easily. Which is surprising when I've spent most of life giving up on a hobby, skill, or project. Here is where the aspect of imposter syndrome also comes in, because as much as I believed I haven't really been successful in one thing, I had put the value in my success in the abilities I had instead of my resilience. Resilience or stubbornness? Pettiness? I am plenty of all three, however, it depends on the day and the weather of course. What I am leading with is that there are lots of things I have started and not finished for various reasons. However, the easiest example to explain of a time where I wish I had given up sooner is when I had wanted to attend a prestigious university full-ride and took IB Economics, French, Physics, and Computer Science, three other classes, and twelve extracurriculars all the same time.
I was originally going to use my Olympics (Boo) example, however I want to write this without crying.
So! There I was, miserable in high school and not meeting my basic needs to live just to reach a a goal that wouldn't serve me in the future at all or even at the time. So many dreams! Neuroscience at MIT to study epilepsy. Go to Standford for the weather. I don't even remember for what reasons I wanted to go to Harvard. I had the interview and everything, and I don't even remember! Law? CS? A middle finger to the Harvard Economics teacher I mentioned previously who told me I wouldn't ever succeed in high academic environment and called me an "academic deadbeat"? Whatever the various reasons, I wish that plan or ego had left my 16-18 year old body sooner. I would have enjoyed my boarding high-school experience so much more and not stressed myself to serval points of self-destruction. In the end, Covid hit and I didn't even get my 2020 high-school graduation :)
Since I was young, I've been trying to fit a mold and expectations of success. See how far I can reach to the stars and beyond. Yeah, not anymore. Not in a sad, giving up way! Hear me out.
Coming back from this winter break, I had been waiting to pick up my luggage from the conveyor belt. Then, after a long while of waiting, a random stranger who was a young girl around my age came up to me and asked me if I was from Mount Holyoke. I am always super weary of strangers, most of all if they know facts about me and I don't know anything about them.
Me: .... may I ask why? O.o
Her: I am just asking to see if you are heading that way and if you want to split an uber?
Me: Oh! Well then, yes!
Lucky for her, I already had a driver waiting for me outside who agreed to drive her as well. She and I were both first-years, lived in the same dorm, and were CS majors! What a coincidence!!! However, on the way to the car after we got our luggage, I asked the most important question. "How did you know I was from MHC?"
Her answer didn't surprise me since I've heard it from several people before. Most of all, my older sister who is an alumna of MHC.
"You just look like/give the vibe of a MHC student."
For someone who has been trying to fit in places that wouldn't serve me then or in the future. I didn't know or wanted to find the places that I already fit in because I felt I wasn't enough. Coming to MHC, I have never felt more like this is the right environment for me as someone as curious, stubborn, and petty as I am. Unfortunately, when MHC came to visit my high school, I didn't attend their event or showed the interest I wish I now had shown. Even with all the flaws and complains I have from my first interactions with the administration, the classes, students, and faculty have all given me a space where I can grow comfortably, learn, and try new things.
I haven't been called an academic deadbeat in emails from my teachers about homework but gotten prompt responses and encouragement. I know, basic decency but hey I'm trying to prove a point!
My older sister has always been my role model and key person I look up to. Somehow I was blinded and didn't see what was right in front of me. Or rather, miles north of me. I got to see her strut down her graduation ceremony and I have never been more proud of anyone in my life.
My plan now is continue this journey of discovery of what actually serves me and continue going through with my passions no matter how scary they look. My passions being, finally relaxing without stressing once I figure it out, if you get what I mean. I once thought reaching as high as possible would get me where I wanted to go, yet all the satisfaction and happiness I have found were the in smaller projects. In the new classes in more comfortable environments. In a smaller college where I can actually walk to where I need to go within 15 minutes and not have to take a train, swim across a lake, hike a mountain, probably take a ferry, play ping-pong, debate about NFTs by a Tesla stock owner, and get on a bus, just to get to my next class with hundreds of other students.
I know this reflection was more about a technical plan, however, my future goals have always been written in spreadsheets and color coded. For me to go into the unknown and let myself be guided by people who want what is best for me, has been the best plan I have ever taken.