Ticket Money

Driving a white Mazda CX 30, I tend to be quite underestimated on the highway. If someone tries to pass me on the Saw Mill, I assume they are trying to challenge me. These fucking ugly Audis think they are superior by nature. However, I have always felt the need to prove myself in every area of my life, and driving isn’t any different. 

“Grace, why the fuck were you going 90 mph on the Saw Mill?” Inquired my mother after stalking my Life360 driver report.

“You have to understand, Mom, I didn’t have a choice. He was tailing me and I couldn’t just let him pass.” 

My intrusive thoughts love to take the wheel. I am never in the wrong. Other cars simply haven’t acclimated to my new standards for perfection. The speed limit is just a suggestion, and I have never been one to take in criticism. 

My car is perfect, maybe not for hookups, but definitely for its secondary purpose (driving). She accelerates fast and tells me to brake. For the most part, I could be going 85 mph and feel like I’m going 50. 

This happens on a daily basis: A truck with a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker on the back was going too slow for my comfort, so I tailed him (and of course it’s a him because no woman could be that obnoxious to have that on their bumper). He was stubborn and wouldn’t move over despite my persistent flashing. I saw a window of space to pass and accelerated to 80 mph. I got in front of this moving piece of junk, and he switched into the right lane. Of course. He now accelerated and tried to pass me, and as he passed our eyes met and both our middle fingers were directed towards one another. Why was he being so aggressive? I hate drivers like that. What a psycho. 

I get offended when someone tries to pass me. Was I not going fast enough for them? Why do they hate me? The passing of my car induces a rage within me, and I take it personally. I start to hate the driver, and my driving becomes passionate. I make use of my middle finger way too often on the road. I want the other drivers to see it, but if they do I cower and slow down so as to not be in their line of sight. 

I will be driving my friend home or to McDonald’s, blasting my “emo” music as she would say – which really only consisted of Radiohead and Elliott Smith – and a car will spawn behind me, basically on my ass. Although in reality they may be 40 feet behind me, I don’t like how they were driving so recklessly close to my car. So I brake check them. Usually when I do that, people get the message and back off. But the lovely bunch of drivers out there that get close enough to my car to read my “I farted” sticker, well, they get me. I may loathe them, but they get me. They understand the daily challenges of facing other drivers like themselves on the road. Such a hard life we all pursue. 

Surprisingly enough, I am really good with directions. I was never one for geography, as I could not tell you the 50 states or where they are located (besides the relevant ones), but I mastered the art of glancing at the directions Google Maps projects on my car screen. I wouldn’t be that impressed with my own skills if it weren’t for other people's lack thereof. My ex-boyfriend was so bad at reading directions that he once almost got us driving through New Jersey instead of going back to my house in New York. I would tell him he sucks at driving, and he’d stop talking to me for the rest of the drive home. It was a fun dynamic we had going! At the time while I was still dating him, I wasn’t as bad of a driver. I was just fond of getting to places faster. And since he lived an hour and a half away in New Jersey, I liked to cut down the ETA by at least ten minutes. 

I have never gotten into an accident, not a major one at least, and I think I need to. Just as I take it upon myself to grace the roads with my knowledge and experience, I think someone else needs to take that job and put me in my place. I need a reason to slow down and forgive the cars that like to go the speed limit. I need an accident in which I don’t get hurt, no one else gets hurt, my car is still drivable, but I get scared enough to stop. It's a high not knowing whether I’ll be pulling into my driveway or the hospital at the end of the day. The one thing that gets me to slow down are animal crossing signs. I am not a religious person, yet I find myself doing the sign of the cross every time I see roadkill. I put animal lives above humans. If I were to ever injure an animal on the road, I would give up my license immediately. 

Once, I rear ended a car at a stoplight, and that allowed my road rage to calm down. But due to the unfortunate ignorance of the rest of the world behind the wheel, I had to revert back to my more assertive driving. But at the end of the day, I get where I need to go. And I get there early.