By Zachary Kats
Some people say the quickest and easiest way to make a buck is playing the stock market, but that requires information and years of market insights, both in short supply. Some say stealing is the superior path to riches, but the law will always be a threat. The reality is there is only one way to get your money up without the opposition giving you problems …
Deep in the Poconos lies the largest Jewish sleepaway in the country. At the camp, the most precious commodity is different from that of the outside world. Money and most items hold little to no value inside the perimeter of this poorly-funded camp. Instead, two things hold real value and desirability there: Food and WiFi. All else becomes simply obsolete in this wild jungle of children. However, if you can realize that the chaos of camp is just noise, and if you can focus on what the people want, there is serious money to be made. After six years of being a camper, I finally understood the market, and I knew how to provide for my customers. I decided to assemble a team and a plan for Jew camp domination.
The first step in my devious plan was to convince my dad to let me bring a portable WiFi hotspot to camp so that my customers and colleagues could connect their iPod touches. Bringing a phone was simply too risky. And this way our customers have significantly less chance of being caught. The conversation with my dad was short and brief. He believed in my ambition and decided to fund the venture.
Step two was capturing the other side of the market, food. Now, instead of the classic bulky ramen or broken potato chips, I came up with a new exciting innovation, spices. I would bring a bag of spices to camp and charge per shake. I acquired BBQ seasoning, Mexican-style seasoning, and our best seller, garlic salt. It wasn't long until I was ready to capitalize on the fact that any sane human being would do just about anything to make that food taste any better. However there were obstacles ahead that I had to overcome: relationships had to be made, bribes had to be given out, and on top of all of that, I had to avoid suspicion from the Directors. But if the hustle was easy, everyone would do it.
The operation started slowly. I recruited my best friend Gabe to be a part of my empire. He made deliveries to customers and guarded the WiFi hotspot when I could not. As time went on my fellow campers began to miss the luxuries of home, which drove sales up dramatically. Soon I had to recruit another one of my friends solely to shake spices and take money in the dining hall because demand had grown so rapidly. My supply was running out fast. Even more concerning was my counselor Louis from England. As his suspicion grew, I kept in mind some wise words an idol of mine once said: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”
One morning during cleaning time in the morning, Louis called me out onto the front porch. He said something like “a word please, Zachary,” in his thick British accent. I walked onto the porch, Gabe was staring at me afraid and holding back tears. He was always worried about getting caught and in general always worried about something. Classic Jew. I didn't want him to get panicked and spill all the details of our operations, so just before I exited the cabin I pulled him towards me and said, “I got this don't worry, and I would never rat on you.''
This gesture seemed to relax him enough so that he could continue with his cleaning without making a scene. I stepped outside, and Louis glared at me intensely.
“Listen, Zach, I'm not accusing you of any wrongdoing but if you have any cellular device or wifi enabling device it's really in your best interest to hand it over, or else I may have to speak to directors.”
“What's your international cell phone coverage like?” I asked, taking a deep breath to steady my nerves. He said he has unlimited text and calls but he couldn't use the internet too much or stream videos without overusing his data limit. I proposed a deal.
“What if I allow you to use my hotspot whenever you want in exchange for you not telling the directors?” Louis stopped to scratch his stubbly beard as he pondered the possibility of free unlimited data. He nodded toward me and asked for the password – the deal was done.
The operation ran smoothly, and with a counselor on my payroll, I felt like nothing could stop me. In just three weeks we had made almost 450 dollars from our scheme. However, with the stock of spices running low, it was finally time for me to send a letter home for the first time that summer. I reached out to the only person I knew that would go through all the work to conceal these items to get them to me and ask no questions. Enter my Jewish Grandma. I sent a letter to my Nana asking for a care package, but I told her she had to hide the food since it was considered contraband and they checked the packages. This wouldn't be the first time she sent me food in camp, so she knew the drill.
Stopping our operation was not an option, demand was growing exponentially and the opportunity was too great. Two days later I received a package with a return address from Boca Raton, Florida; they inspected it at the camp office. As the knife tore across the cardboard, I could feel the sweat dripping down my palms. I needed to pass this inspection. As the lady in the office pulled out a large stuffed teddy bear from the box, I smiled and let out a small unnoticeable sigh of relief. I ran to arts and crafts, swiped a pair of scissors and then proceeded back to my bunk. Gabe and I tore open that teddy bear; feathers flew all around the bunk bathroom as we rummaged through our edible gold. We were glad to see that everything we needed to continue was there. Our stock was full, and business was booming.
One day, some two weeks later the top director was taking a walk by our bunks. My hotspot was running as usual, and at the time I saw no reason to turn it off. I even liked that we were doing it right under his nose. What I didn't know was that he was walking past bunks with his phone to see if he could find any foreign WiFi sources.
What I also failed to realize at the time was that the hotspot was called “Cliff Katz hotspot,” my dad’s name, on settings. Before the director even came to talk to me, I knew it was over. I knew I had been exposed, and there was no way out. The worst part is I could have changed that hotspot name a million times. I was constantly connecting to it so I always saw the name, and I just never quite connected the dots. As a guy with command of all the angles, this was one I hadn’t handled.
I immediately gave up the hotspot to show good faith. I was consumed with fear that I'd be kicked out of camp. At the end of it all, I ended up having to miss the end-of-camp Banquet as well as a call home. I remember the phone call with my mom well. The director has an unmistakable South African accent, and he told her all of the “extremely serious things I had done.” After he was done ranting angrily about my behavior, he passed the phone to me. My mom asked if she was on speaker, and when I said she wasn't, she burst out in laughter.
“This shit is hilarious, Zachary, but you've had your fun now and you have to play nice so you don't get kicked out.” I understood, told her I loved her, and gave back the phone all without giving the Director any reaction.
At the end of it all, I may have gotten my food and device confiscated, but I was still loaded with cash. They never got the cash. I was on to search out my next angle, whatever that might be.