Tangential Trains

It’s 2:37 a.m. Lying in bed, I turn to the side and think about my headspace. It’s rather dark. Oh, I wasn’t talking about the room. Were you thinking something different? Anyway, back to the mind thing, unfortunately or not, I imagine all sides in situations. If you know me, I question everything I encounter. What did I learn yesterday? Was I even at school? I don’t remember much from the previous day. Did I even eat? What did I eat? I feel like it was some carbohydrate. Carbohydrates are really good, especially in the form of sweets. I love eating sweets. As a Jew, sweets are a necessity and thank God they are! I wonder what my first art project for the synagogue is. I’m really excited to work there again. Most of my greatest friends work there so it’s manageable. The kids better not be little shits like in the past two years. I can’t deal with kids at all when they misbehave. I nearly lose all strands of patience. When that happens, I have aggressive tendencies. I want to punch people in their faces because they deserve it, like that student during swimming. It was during a water polo match at school. He was on top of me when I got the ball and I couldn’t shake him off, so I bit him. Should I have bitten him? Should I have bitten him harder? To bite or to bite harder, that is the question.

Most nights, my thoughts keep me up and it takes me a long time to fall asleep. The thoughts from the day stir and I decide what I could, should, and would have done instead. When I look back on today, all I did was work. On a regular weekend, I do my homework on Friday, but this time I put it off till Sunday. I usually don’t do that; my underlying fear of tardiness routinely rules out the idea of procrastinating. I had several anger and anxiety attacks during work, too many to count now. I’m not going to get it done! Oh my God, there’s so much. Why did I leave this to the last minute? God, I hate everything! I hate my brain. I feel so stupid. I know I’m not, but sometimes I feel so dumb, and that I don’t know anything! It’s frustrating not knowing which word to use! Why can’t someone make an app that guesses exactly which word you need?! Why hasn’t someone thought of that yet? Humans are supposed to have the most developed brains, and yet we can’t even figure out simple problems such as that! Why are there so many problems in the world? Not just petty ones, but really important ones. I wonder if God is looking down on the world and thinking: Jesus Christ this was a mistake, I should have sent a second flood. Oh my God, I wish I could shut up!

It’s now 5:49 a.m.— a terrible hour to be awake. The pop podcast wake-up call goes off at 6:00 a.m. I’m exhausted by my bullet trains of thought. I’m exhausted by how many hours I spent on Instagram last night—so many dog videos. I’m exhausted by being forced into this cycle of living. Time doesn’t stop and neither does this head of mine. Sometimes, I wish it did...but then the trains start their engines, and I’m off again.