Letters to the Lord

November 11th, 2013: 

Dear God, 

I pray to you tonight with lots on my mind. School is stressing me out to no end, family life is frustrating me, and I do not know where to turn. I feel happy, but I also feel sad and alone, and I cannot figure out why; perhaps this journal and writing down my prayers will help with that. You have given me everything, Lord. I get to pursue my passion every day. I go to an incredible school with some of the most brilliant people I have ever known. I have a family more supportive than any I could ever long for. I have friends who support and love me in all that I do. I have a home. I live a life that millions would love to live, yet I cannot rid myself of this urge of wanting to escape parts of it. How could I even say something like that? How can I even complain? There are people in the Philippines who have just lost everything they own and everything they love—family, belongings, homes. How can I be so greedy when there are so many who have so little? Is something wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. I just pray, Lord, that despite how I feel you remind me that not all of it is true, that though I feel down and sad that it doesn’t mean I am. Today was nice, Lord. I woke up late, which sucked, but had a nice day at school and a good practice. I think I need to recognize the little things. I ask that you stay with me during this time, Lord and allow me to use this journal as an outlet and a way to let go of the demons that I have—no matter how bad they may be. I’m happy, Lord. I know I am. I just have to keep reminding myself of all that you have given me, and the incredible life that you have blessed me with. Hopefully, this will help with that, too. How Great Thou Art. 

Forever in your Glory,

Amen 

March 8th, 2014:

Dear God, 

What a weekend I have had, Lord. You have truly given me everything in the world and more. I have had some of the best soccer days of my entire life. Boston College just offered me a full ride to play and attend their school. Wow, Lord. I don’t have words. Do I deserve this? I do not realize and appreciate all that you have done for me—in faith, school, soccer, and in life. Without you, Lord, I am nothing. I am lost. You are my plan. It is so easy to get caught up in people, stress, pressure, but all I want Lord is to live for, focus on, and cherish, Christ my Lord. Help me to not get caught up in the scholarship, or money, or anything but just to focus on the sole reason of why I play to begin with: glorifying you and letting my light shine for you. It won’t be easy to deal with all of this and to make a decision, but I don’t need easy—with you all things are possible. I’m scared, I feel a little lost and afraid of what is next, but I know I have the Lord and that is all I need. 

Forever in your Glory, 

Amen 

August 2nd, 2015: 

Dear God, 

This is a hard passage to write as I am the saddest I have ever been. I don’t even know how to write it or say it or express what I feel, but I need to get it out. I don’t know if I should tell anyone or speak what I feel, so I guess this is okay for now. I feel like I am suffocating, Lord, with stress, injury, not being able to do what I love, problems at home, and now: this. I’m at sleepaway camp as a counselor to coach young kids—something I love to do, so thank you for the opportunity. But, he has treated me oddly all week. He favors me in drills, he watches me when I move, comments on my appearance. He sexually harassed me tonight. I don’t know what will happen or if anyone knows or makes anything of it. Was it even a big deal? He said some awful things. I tried to just leave the room but I didn’t know if he would follow so I had to keep checking behind me. I’m in my room now, Lord, alone. Alone. I have a sad and weird feeling inside. Is this your plan, Lord? To take soccer away from me, to take friends away from me, and for this to happen? Help me not to think this way, Lord. I’m not a victim. When it is hardest to pray, I will pray the hardest. I need you now, Lord. I know I am not perfect and I let you down in so many ways, but I need you now. I give you my life, Lord. It is for you to take. Fix me. Help me. I am so lost, and I admit that with everything. I cannot do this alone. Yet in the midst of these feelings, Lord, I have hope in my heart. Hope that things will get better, and hope that you are for me and not against me. I have hope that in some way, this is a part of our journey. 

Forever in your Glory, 

Amen 

April 5th, 2016:

Dear God, 

My day didn’t start too well. I woke up late, tired, and just not in the mood. My mood luckily improved as the day went on and as I tried to focus more on You and less on what I could not control. Then my day took a turn. As I sat in Contemporary Issues in Modern Science, I went to check my phone only to see that I have finally been called up to my first ever Women’s National Team Camp. Wow, Lord. I cannot breathe. We belong there, Lord. We deserve this. This is my time to let my light shine for you, so others can know just how incredible you are. You are so good! Just when I was beginning to think that all the doors were closed for me, you opened one—a new door. I truly do not have words, Lord. There have been so many times when I have doubted you, and I’m sorry for that. Just help me to always remember, Lord, to wait for you, because your plan for me is bigger than my own for myself. This is my dream and my destiny, my blood and my sweat and my tears. Our journey together has had so many bumps and so many glorious moments, Lord. Although I’m scared, I cannot wait to see where you take me next. I know you will be with me all along the way. 

Forever in your Glory, 

Amen

April 22nd, 2017:

Dear God, 

I write to you tonight with many emotions and thoughts in my head.  I’ve recently come home from my 10th National Team Camp. You have given me everything, Lord. I get to pursue my passion every day. I go to an incredible school with some of the most brilliant people I have ever known. I have a family more supportive than any I could ever long for. I have friends who support and love me in all that I do. I have a home. I live a life that millions would love to live, yet I cannot rid myself of this urge of wanting to escape parts of it. How could I even say something like that? How can I even complain? 

Maybe I haven’t changed all that much since I first picked up a pen on November 11th, 2013 and wrote down my prayers for the first time. Maybe I’m the same: stuck in a rut of mixed emotions, constantly searching for the answer as to why I can never feel satisfied and feel just one logical emotion: happiness. Why do I have this sadness, Lord, when I have more than I could ever hope or dream or ask for? You’ve given me all I have prayed for. 

No, Lord. I am different now. I’m not thirteen-year-old Sam with green and yellow braces anymore. I have changed, and this journal that I write in right now only proves that. I have been writing down my prayers for four years, Lord.  Four years. My faith has always been strong; that is most definitely a constant, and something that has never, nor will ever, change. But what is different now than when I first picked up a pen to write down my first ever prayer is that I accept myself, my emotions, and who I am. I accept and acknowledge that I am a completely blessed eighteen-year-old girl who has been given a life better than any I could ever pray for; but I also accept and acknowledge that I am eighteen-year-old girl who has demons, dark thoughts, and dark feelings. Both of those things are okay, Lord. Because now Lord, I realize that happiness and sadness are just emotions. They are not states of being, nor are they permanent. They are temporary. I can walk into school with a big smile on my face and feel like the world’s happiest girl, but go home and go to sleep at night feeling alone and sad. It is okay. Maybe it’s because I miss so much and am constantly on the move? Maybe it’s because I am afraid of what is next? Maybe it’s because I am afraid to leave what I know and what I love, and to move on in the world? Maybe it because I am human?

It doesn’t matter. I do not need to know. What I need to know right now, Lord, is that I have grown—as a person, as a player, as a friend, as a daughter, and as a follower of You. I love the Sam who wrote down her first prayer, I do. But I am not her anymore and I am okay with that. What I need to know right now, Lord, is that I do not need to know what is next, that I am allowed to feel lost and scared, happy and joyous, excited and anxious. What I need to know now, Lord, on this Saturday at 12:06  a.m., is that in the midst of all these things, in the midst of these past four overwhelmingly remarkable years,  I have had and will always have you. So much is uncertain, so much is unwritten. I may not figure out my sadness, or any emotions that I feel, Lord— and maybe I do not need to. I could have all the Earth has to offer, but without you, Lord, I am nothing. I would have nothing. It isn’t things that bring me joy, but you and what you have given me. And there will never be a day or moment or breath I take that I will not thank you with every bone that you have placed in my body. Thank you for eighteen years of absolutely extraordinary life. I do not know what is next, or what life holds for me after this, but that’s okay. I have you and that is all I need. 

Forever in your Glory, 

Amen