Start by choosing a suitcase. Before even filling it up, make sure that there is something different about this suitcase that will help you identify it in the chaos that occurs at baggage claim. It does not matter whether you have an orange suitcase with a photo of you on it, you might still end up with someone who takes your suitcase thinking it’s theirs.
Now, go to your room and put everything you plan on taking with you on your bed. Throughout this process, you cannot avoid packing at least one thing that you will never even see on your trip. So, go ahead and fill up your suitcase will all kinds of sweaters, shoes and dresses that you have never worn but you “love.” When it is full, shut your suitcase and try to get rid of the feeling that you are forgetting something.
Next up is your carry-on bag. Fill it with at least three books, Sudoku, magazines and many other items that you are convinced will not be left in the overhead bin, untouched for the whole flight.
Once the morning of the flight has arrived, everyone can be found running around the house screaming: “Passports: Check. Tickets: Check. Wallet and Keys: Check.” Preparing to sit and eat for ten hours straight is made up to be a complicated task. Listen to traffic reports, check the weather and your passport about a million times in an effort to make sure that everything will go smoothly.
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Every family has different types of travelers, and they usually never match up. The worst type, in my opinion, is the laid-back traveler. The laid-back traveler acts as if getting on a plane is equivalent to catching a bus. As if he can be at the gate a few minutes after the flight time. As if there is another flight right after that he can catch if he misses this one. As if it does not take him two hours to go through all the required processes to get to the airplane. If you ever happen to travel with a laid-back traveler, I would suggest that you tell him that you will see him on the plane and separate. This way, you will not lose your sanity. The worst type for the laid-back traveler is, you guessed it, the uptight traveler. He likes to get to the gate three hours before the flight and does not mind standing by the door until boarding. If his flight is at 3 P.M. he will leave his house at 10 A.M. It does not matter how early he leaves, he will still throw a tantrum if he is stuck in traffic on the way there. Everyone else is somewhere else in the spectrum, between these two extremes. If you are unfortunate to have both of these extremes in your family, be prepared for a lot of sighing and eye rolling.
Getting to the airport and going over to the check-in counter means getting rid of your suitcases; about 5% of the journey is over. Of course, this takes awhile, as does everything else (if something in this process is not taking a long time, there must be something wrong). There is always one family who has twenty suitcases stacked on top of each other or someone who is trying to switch seats.
“I CANNOT sit anywhere else but the aisle.”
“Let me get my manager.”
The clerk leaves his counter and does not return until you have switched lines two times, trying to determine which one is moving faster. In the end, you might end up slowing down the process even more than if you had stayed put.
Once you have checked in, you should feel a weight go off your shoulders. Not for long, though. The weight will come back the second you turn around to see the line for security check. At least a hundred people are kept in a line that looks like a labyrinth and joining the line at the very end is quite depressing. Sentences, such as “the line seems to be moving quickly,” are exchanged between family members who believe they will be free soon. A rookie mistake. The line never moves quickly. It takes at least an hour of watching first class passengers pass without a fuss to finally reach the front of the line.
When you reach the conveyor belt, grab a plastic box and begin yet another complicated process. Take out your laptop, take off your shoes, belt and watch while moving forward to make room for the influx of people coming in. Push your boxes into the black hole that is the x-ray machine and stand aside to join the line for check-up. If you pass through the check-up and the machine beeps, be ready to be pulled aside by a security guard who will search you in a quite suspicious manner. In such an environment, it is hard not to look suspicious yourself. What if they actually find something on me that I didn’t even know I had? What if someone steals my laptop as it comes out of the x-ray machine?
By now, all your energy should be sucked out of you and all that you are looking for is a seat of any sort. In such a situation, reaching the uncomfortable metal chairs at the gate will make you feel like you have just come to a five-star hotel.
There are three kinds of people waiting at the gate: those who stand by the door, beginning two hours before boarding, those who get in line when they are called to, and those who wait until the very last minute to get on the plane. It is quite hard not to be one of those who stand by the door until boarding because there is always the wrong impression that people need to run in and “get the good seats,” as if it’s a movie theater.
After all the turmoil is over, you are finally in. When you get to your seat, do not be surprised if you find someone comfortably sitting there. Slowly check your boarding pass and the number above the seat and awkwardly ask the person, “Uh excuse me, I think you are sitting in my seat.” After a few moments of waiting silently, you might see that the person is sitting at 5C when their ticket says 27D. Do not ask any questions about how on earth it is possible to mix these two numbers and wait for them leave. Now you can take your seat, tighten your seatbelt, and prepare for yet another long and tedious journey.