Number One Secret to Success for Hi-Cap Kids

I’ve studied hundreds of high-achieving kids.

The No. 1 secret to their success - and parents should teach it early.

CNBC, August 2025

by: Jennifer Breheny Wallace

As students head back to school this fall, many parents feel the urge to do more — to book the tutor, add the extra math lesson, or squeeze in one more after-school activity “just in case.” 

The impulse comes from love and wanting our kids to have opportunities. But somewhere along the way, opportunity can turn into pressure.

During my six years of researching hundreds of high-achieving kids, I’ve found that the real engine behind long-term success is believing that your worth comes from your inherent value and your ability to make a positive impact on the world. 

I call it a “mattering mindset.”

The fuel that powers healthy high achievers

Many young people today are motivated by the fear that if they fall short, they will be less loved or accepted, as if their value hinges on their performance.

In 2021, I partnered with a Baylor University researcher to investigate the impact of achievement culture among young adults. Our survey — which was published in my book “Never Enough” — of nearly 500 students revealed a sobering finding: More than half believed their parents’ love fluctuated based on their performance.

Psychologists call this “conditional regard,” or parental affection that depends on a child meeting certain expectations, whether academic, athletic, or behavioral.

Children raised on conditional regard can become so afraid of mistakes that even minor setbacks can rattle their sense of self. It can erode self-worth, accelerate burnout, and leave them feeling purposeless once the accolades stop coming or vulnerable to depression when they experience setbacks.

Cultivate a mattering mindset early on

We have to help our kids build a mattering mindset from the start. When children know they are valued despite the outcome, they are freed to take healthy risks, to learn from mistakes, to push harder, and to recover faster.

1. Get a PhD in your child

Become an expert in who they are. What makes them light up? What challenges do they hide? What strengths might others overlook? The more we understand their quirks and talents, the more they feel seen for their unique selves. Feeling known and loved is powerful fuel.

2. Remind them their worth is non-negotiable

When your child fails — gets cut from the team, bombs a test — remind them their value isn’t up for debate.

One mother I interviewed uses this exercise: She holds up a $20 bill. “What’s it worth?” she asks. Then she crumples it and dunks it in water. “What’s it worth now?” Still $20. No matter the setbacks, its value hasn’t changed, and neither has theirs.

3. Get curious, not furious

All children want to do well. If they aren’t thriving, take a step back and ask why. Is it an undiagnosed learning difference? A social conflict? A teaching style mismatch? Struggles are clues.

When we express anger over a child’s performance, it can break the parent-child connection. Curiosity preserves your relationship and is a gateway to clean fuel.

4. Celebrate their ripple effect

Let them know when their actions make a difference. Whether it’s comforting a sibling, brightening a friend’s day, or coming up with a clever solution, take the time to remind them that their value goes far beyond their achievements.

5. Let your face light up

Too often, we’re so focused on preparing kids for the future that we forget to show them the joy we feel simply by being their parent. At least once a day, show warmth and affection regardless of performance. Let them know they are just as cherished on a bad day as on a good one.

If I could offer one piece of advice to parents this fall, it would be to worry less about the grades and more about the mindset you’re helping cultivate in your child — the one that fuels lifelong achievement.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller ”Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It.” She lives in New York City with her husband and three teens. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.