Cell phone

Nokia 6101 cell phone, 2006, Illinois State Museum Society purchase

My first cell phone was a Nokia 6101. I got it around the same time I started dating, so I was usually on the phone with some boy. I can still remember Mama waking up to tell me, “You need to get your behind to sleep instead of being up talking to THAT BOY all night!”

Daddy suspected I was queer, but he did not live long enough to really hear it from my mouth. He would have likely kicked me out, or attempted to. I doubt Mama would have allowed it. He disliked how timid I was and didn’t mind telling me, but he was also loving to me other times. While he had no true understanding of me, he loved me.

On Coming Out and Queerphobia

I realized I liked boys after developing a crush on my kindergarten best friend. I didn’t really understand it then, but I always wanted to be around him. When I began to date, I was still trying to figure things out and had a girlfriend. By 15, I began talking to boys more frequently and went on my first date with a boy.

I began “coming out” slowly that year. First, I told some classmates, but the biggest mistake I made was telling people who just wanted to know my business. They manipulated me into trusting them just so they could blab to everyone else in an “I told you so” moment. I just wasn’t ready, due to how everyone already ridiculed, demonized and constantly watched me both in and outside our family group. I didn’t always feel loved and safe. That was one of those moments, but I’ve since begun to heal from the trauma.

I’ve experienced queerphobia as far back as 3 years old, being called the “F-word” for simply existing. I was very depressed and borderline suicidal until near the end of high school. I had a few amazing friends who were like family, but Mama was a godsend. In a world of people who refused to love me the way I needed or at all, she was there.

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