In this article, Julia explores the problematic $3.346 billion dollar franchise that is the Twilight saga and attempts to make sense of the nonsensical. Disclaimer- if you're a sensitive "twihard," it is highly suggested that you stop reading and seek therapy immediately. Spoilers ahead!
Even though the spooky season is officially coming to a close, Twilight continues to leave a pawprint on (mentally unstable) teens’ lives. I personally don't think I've seen a more controversial saga than the Twilight series: is it a cinematic masterpiece or absolutely awful? Team Edward or Jacob? Is Bella rational or a complete lunatic? (You poor child, did you think I wouldn't include werewolf puns?) These are all valid questions, and your thoughts on them can shape your entire viewing experience. So let's take a look at the sparkling mess that is the Twilight movies, and leave the books for another day far, far in the future.
The first time I watched Twilight, I was going in with my mindset completely shaped by what people around me thought. Granted, this vision did not sound too appealing. Basically, I was told that it was about vampires running around in the woods and a dimwitted girl who just can not choose between two guys. The options, of course, were a 104-year-old bloodthirsty vampire and a toxic werewolf, so things weren’t looking too good for our dear protagonist Bella. After I graced my eyes with this movie, I came to the conclusion that my assumptions were very much correct and that I should probably go bleach my eyeballs. But, alas, I didn't have any bleach, so I instead started planning when to watch the next one in the series for $3.99 on Amazon Prime. (Don’t I just make the best choices?)
Now we should probably talk about the two wonderful love interests, Eddie and Jake. Here’s what we know about them: Edward is a 104-year-old high school student who has a thing for biting, and Jacob is a 15-year-old high school student who probably has fleas. Edward, who looked constipated all the time when he first met Bella (talk about love at first sight) grew to be madly in love with her. Although he tried to keep her away at first by muttering “this is the skin of a killer, Bella" while standing awkwardly in the forest, sparkling like a five-carat diamond, that didn't work on her. As we saw on the wall of graduation caps, Edward attended many schools in his life time. That leaves one to wonder just how many girls he prayed on that were 87 years younger than him, and how many have since passed away. Maybe that's why he was so resistant to allow Bella the privilege of loving such an awesome guy- he didn't want to have his heart broken again. (Isn't he so sweet and sensitive?) Sorry, we're getting off track here. The other, more furry love interest, Jacob, forced a kiss on Bella when she was with Edward, so she punched him, but broke her hand instead. They are both problematic, and vastly overprotective, which could be a trait frail little Bella craves. (No shade to her, but seriously, that girl could not swing a bat if she tried– until she, too, became a vampire, but that’s besides the point.) Anyway, Bella must have had something against normal people, (and by that I mean humans) because when that perfectly ordinary guy in her new friend group started flirting with her, she completely brushed it off. I guess she just likes being different, and that’s why she only dates fairy tale creatures.
An image perfectly depicting the moment when Edward said "this is the skin of a killer, Bella" from Know Your Meme
An image of Jacob and Renesmee from Looper
I know you thought I was just trapped in an endless thought spiral, but now we actually have something to talk about. Renesmee. She was the hybrid “miracle” daughter of Edward and Bella, and her name is the combination of Bella’s mother Renée and Edward’s adoptive mother, Esme. Up until this point, Jacob had been obsessed with Bella until he found the next best thing: her daughter, who luckily shared 50% of her DNA. The Quileute werewolves had this fun little feature where they could “imprint” on someone who would basically be their soulmate. So when Jacob imprinted on Renesmee, Bella had some mixed feelings about it. This whole thing was extremely strange, especially since she was an INFANT when he did it! Like, what the heck? If that wasn't a wake up call for Bella, I don't know what would be. After a few years, Jacob and Renesmee would go on to be a couple, which makes the whole thing that much more weird. The whole plot of the hybrid baby had some massive holes in it, and was kind of creepy, but then again, what did I expect watching a romance movie about vampires? So, really, this whole thing was my fault.
Perhaps the highlight of my day was found scouring the internet, looking at the Rotten Tomatoes for the first installment of the riveting two and a half starred Twilight movie. Most of the normal people were leaving harshly worded reviews explaining why they would never be watching it again. One that stood out to me stated, “the main relationship is pedophilic by definition, but it’s all good because the 100-year-old man that watches you sleep looks like he's 17.” I mean, they do make a good point. Another by a “top critic” (What are the requirements to become one of those?) said, “I’ve had mosquito bites that were more passionate than this undead, unrequited and altogether unfun romantic riff on Romeo and Juliet.” These are all very valid arguments.
In the article I wrote last month about the Downtown Girl Aesthetic, I didn't mention some movies associated with it, but Twilight is most definitely one of them. Honestly, if you're looking for a slightly cringy, nonsensical movie, I highly suggest watching them, just for funsies. And they do give off fall vibes, so that’s a plus, I guess. I know it seemed like I was just dragging Twilight this entire time, but to be completely honest, I kind of love them. If you're looking for some early 2000s fashion inspo, Bella is a perfect candidate for your research. People on TikTok made her into a fashion icon, which I can respect. When I searched “Bella Swan’s outfits” on the internet, the results seemed never ending. Screen Rant, (a very reliable source) listed ten of her best outfits, including her blue prom dress, which apparently “works well with her complexion.” I wonder if the people who spend the time to list all of her outfits over the span of five movies ever see the light of day, but then again, what does that say about me?
A picture of prom night from New York Daily News
In conclusion, Twilight is stupid but, honestly, incredibly inspirational. To me, the moral of the story in the midst of all the nonsense is to push differences aside and date a vampire. Guys, if you are a die-hard Twilight stan, please don’t come for me; I love it as much as the next questionably sane teenager. Those are just some of my insignificant inputs on the Twilight saga, so please do not take any of this to heart. And if you do, then I guess there's really nothing you can do about it. (Please don't listen to me, I literally bought a Twilight dvd so I wouldn't have to pay to watch it every time. That just shows how sick I am. Or maybe I'm really a crazy twihard and wrote this to gaslight you. Gasp! The plot thickens.) Have an amazing day, and please make reasonable decisions, and not like the one I made when I decided to write this article. Have fun Scrolling!
