Regulate, Relate, Reason

When a child is upset, resist the urge to reason with them, attempt to teach skills or explain why their actions are inappropriate. Our understanding of the brain teaches us that the ability to learn is unavailable during times of stress. Try Bruce Perry's 3 R method:

1. Regulate: help the child to calm and regulate their bodies and minds. If you see a need (to move, to eat, to drink, to rest, to play, to connect): Meet it . Remember, co-regulation comes before self-regulation. It is okay to help! 

   • Try using limited, soothing language

   • Provide a safe place to go, or space and time to process their feelings

   • Provide a sense of physical comfort: blanket, soft toy, fidget or sensory toy,

2. Relate: validate the child's feelings and use the power of relationship and connection. Create a sense of safety in the relationship. 

   • Develop a calm, sensitive dialogue

   • Reassure that you are there to help

   • Offer a label for their emotions: "You seem very sad right now"

   • Acknowledge that the situation is unpleasant or difficult for the student: "Oh my, I see you really wanted the red car! You must feel disappointed! It is hard when we can't have what we want!"

   • Share your own experiences and emotions: "I get really upset when I spill something too!"

3. Reason: engage in teaching, reflection and explanation. If we have helped the child to regulate and connected through our relationship, their brain is much more likely to be available for learning. If you see a skill that is lacking, now is the time to teach it. 

   • Teach about emotions and strategies to deal with them 

   • Use stories to explore emotions 

   • Remind students of their safe places and safe people