Shrek 

Once upon a time there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty. On his 7th birthday the little ogre’ s parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before. I know it’s sad, very sad, but ogres are used to that – the hardships, the indignities. And so the little ogre went on his way and Ahh, I found a perfectly rancid swamp far away from civilization. And whenever a mob came along to attack him he knew exactly what to do. Rooooooaaaaar! Fiona: Hahahaha !

Fairytale Character 

What are we doing in your swamp? Well gosh, we were forced to come here. Lord Farquaad, he hoofed and he poofed and he signed an eviction notice. Maybe you could try talking to him. He’d listen to you! You’re big and scary! Um, go back? We can’t go back. Farquaad will turn us into bratwurst. The guy’s bad news. Look here Ogre, I’m gonna spell it out for ya. We don’t want us here any more than you do. But you’re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim flammer Farquaad.

Homeless Goldilocks 

Yeah, I know. I know. You recognize me. “Aren’t you that blonde girl who trashed the Bear’s house?” Listen, I hear it all the time. That was a pretty low point for me, I gotta admit. But look, you really shouldn’t make fun of the homeless. And technically, I’m not homeless. Never have been. I think of myself as more of an adventurer. Sure, I could get a job and rent a dumpy little apartment, but what would be the fun in that? Since the bear’s house, I’ve stayed in some of the finest places in the world! 

One time, I went on a tour of the White House, and hid behind the curtains in the Oval office. I stayed up all night reading classified documents. They’re a lot more boring than they sound. Another time, I crashed at Buckingham palace while the Queen was out doing some Queenly stuff. I tried on all her crowns. She may or may not be missing one. My favourite place was Santa’s workshop. 

Yeah, I know. Everyone thinks that those elves never take a vacation. But a snowman told me that’s not true. I got him to tell me the dates…cost me a carrot and I headed on up there. Seven days of playing with whatever I wanted and eating cookies and milk for every meal…now that’s a vacation! So, don’t be hating on homeless Goldilocks. I’m livin’ the good life. And remember, if you have something cool inside your house, remember to lock up when you leave!

Dorothy / There’s No Place Like Oz 

Oh Toto! You do understand me! That’s why we have to get back to Oz. Where everything is in colour and even the flying monkeys have a song in their hearts. I tried to click my heals together yesterday, but my slippers here are too drab … So … There’s a jewellery shop in town … and they have Rubies! So what we need to do is steal uncle Henry’s truck, he keeps a shotgun in the shed, we’ll need that too … 

Oh it’s not a crime, Toto if no-one gets hurt. We need those rubies and I’ve got glue to attach them to my slippers. Before the police come, we’ll have glued them all onto my slippers and clicked our heels together and we’ll be well on our way back to Oz. 

It’s the perfect plan, right? Bark twice for “Yes.”

Patrick / The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

Yeah, I’ve got one. Well, there was this one guy. Queer as a three-dollar bill. Guy’s father didn’t know about his son. So, he comes down into the basement one night when he’s supposed to be out of town. Catches his son with another boy. So, he starts beating him. But not like the slap kind. Like the real kind. And the boyfriend says, “Stop. You’re killing him.” And the son just yells “Get out.” And eventually the boyfriend just did. (Patrick stops. Gripped by sad. He can’t shake.) Forget it. I’m free now, right? I could meet the love of my life any second now. Things will be different now, and that’s good. I just need to meet a good guy.

Black Stache / Peter and the Starcatcher’s 

Perchance you think a treasure trunk with treasure has put my piratical bloomers in a twist? How wrong you are. Yes, I’d hoped to be hip-deep in diamonds, but they’re a poor substitute for what I really crave: a bona fide hero to help me feel whole. For without a hero, what am I? Half a villain; a pirate in part; ruthless, but toothless. And then I saw you, and I thought, “Maybe? Can it be? Is he the one I’ve waited for? Would he, for example, give up something precious for the sake of the daughter he loves?” But alas, he gives up sand. Now, let’s see: hero with treasure, very good. Hero with no treasure…. doable. No hero and a trunk full o’ sand? Not s’much. NOW, WHERE’S MY TREASURE?!?”

Regina / Mean Girls by Tina Fey 

Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. (makes a face) I know right, it's soooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana--and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. 

Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?!" and I'd be like, "Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian" I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! 

So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school 'cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she's on crack. (gasps and turns) Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?

Charlie Brown / You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown 

I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren’t so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there’s the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I’ve done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I’d better see what I’ve got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely…I guess they’re right. And when you’re lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There’s that cute little red-headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?…She’d probably laugh right in my face…it’s hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There’s an empty place next to her on the bench. There’s no reason why I couldn’t just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up…I’m standing up!…I’m sitting down. I’m a coward. I’m so much of a coward, she wouldn’t even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can’t remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn’t she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn’t look at me? Is she so great, and I’m so small, that she can’t spare one little moment?…SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his lunch bag over his head.)

Jack / The Importance of Being Earnest 

It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.”

Orsino / Twelfth Night 

If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die. That strain again! It had a dying fall: O, it came o’er my ear like the sweet sound, That breathes upon a bank of violets, Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more: ‘Tis not so sweet now as it was before. O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou, That, notwithstanding thy capacity receiveth as the sea, nought enters there, Of what validity and pitch soe’er, But falls into abatement and low price, Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy That it alone is high fantastical.