Armored MMA
In this article, Sir Phoenix presents the beautiful modernization of Buhurt and a solution to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
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Armored MMA: modern-day gladiators
Armored MMA: modern-day gladiators
By: Sir Phoenix C. Robinson
By: Sir Phoenix C. Robinson
Suits of shining armor, swinging axes and swords. Grappling, tackles, and all-out medieval skirmishes. Once upon a time, it was a faraway dream stemming from thousands of years ago, brought to life only through boring textbooks. Now, it’s a reality. Armored MMA is as close to gladiator battles as modern times will ever have the glory of witnessing. That is, of course, until I become President and make gladiator fights available to all Americans.
Image of a Buhurt by Flickr
Armored MMA by Wikipedia Commons
Armored MMA, most simply put, is like UFC with medieval armor and weapons. According to the Daily Mail, Armored MMA is a variant of the sport known as Buhurt. In both events, participants fight wearing armor and using various blunt weapons. The scoring system is structured in a way that steers towards strikes over holds. The sport comes in a variety of forms. In Buhurts, the most typical forms are 1v1s, 5v5s, and 10v10s.
You may be wondering to yourself: "Why is Phoenix writing about Armored MMA in November’s issue?" That is a good question. The reason is that I propose that Armored MMA is made to replace the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade- a very drastic turn in the article, no doubt, but I stand by it. According to Macy’s, this parade takes place every Thanksgiving morning on the filthy streets of New York City. It is a “spectacular” show where people get to stand or sit on the sidewalk as they watch giant balloons, high school bands, and random celebrities prance by at a snail’s pace.
Ask yourself this question: "Would I rather watch a three-hour compilation of unfunny basement reporters aimlessly rant about the same boring parade that I'm watching? Or, would I rather watch fast-paced matches in which two dudes dressed up like knights get to beat each other up with swords?" It’s a tough choice, I imagine.
The truth is that nobody wants to see the same sea of boring floats marched down the same smelly street by sad freelancers who can’t score a permanent job. People want to see something that excites them, and statistics prove it. The Hollywood Reporter says that 33.1 million people watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. 108 million people watched the Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson fight, according to IMDb. And CNN reports that an average of 32.7 million viewers watched each Game of Thrones episode.
What do all three of the above statistics have in common? It shows that people would rather watch awesome combat and drama instead of some bum float parade. The people want to see knights go toe to toe in awesome steel armor, swinging their swords and axes left and right as they viciously recreate medieval combat. What they don’t want to see is the same Garfield and Snoopy balloons blocking the autumn sky for the 30th year in a row.
Imagine how great it would be if somebody could take Armored MMA and transform it into something like WWE. There would never be a parade ever again because everyone would be so busy watching the newest episode of Worldwide Armored Wrestling Foundation (WAWF). Even the lame pacifists who run the parade can probably agree that it would be a great alternative to their show. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has a long history. Armored MMA has a short history. Armored MMA is brand new, exciting, and has many directions it can go in. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is ancient, boring, and is as close to inflexible as a parade gets. Let us do as the pilgrims of the Mayflower would have done on Thanksgiving and engage in brutal combat with one another. Then, we can eat shortly thereafter.
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