Dr. Dating Advice PhD

The Master of Dating (Sean Glover) has emerged from his Cave of Wisdom to expel knowledge to all on how to make your date the most smooth and memorable night you've ever experienced.

Dating like a pro

By Sean Glover

Mr. Love Doctor is in the house to let you Scroll readers know, as you were waiting with bated breath, that your boy is actually in a relationship now (you may remember me commenting about that last year). While this may not be as important to you as it is to me, let’s give a huge shoutout to her for somehow dealing with this enigma of a man for the past eight months. Now that I meet all of the qualifications to give unsolicited dating advice and I’m also ordained (from a totally not fake website), it is now time for me to clear off the dust of my brain’s limbic system and give you some examples of what to do and what not to do on a first date.

1) BE YOURSELF

That’s probably the cheesiest and most horribly-versed sentence you have ever heard in your life. However, when it comes down to it, people are going to end up loving you for the authentic version of yourself and not the one you make yourself out to be. Share your interests, hobbies-- ooh! Perhaps even a dash of your sentimental side! That will make anyone fall head over heels for you. If you’re an extrovert or an ambivert with an introverted date, do something wild to get them out of their comfort zone and to let them know it’s okay to be open around you. Deenie, our well-renowned freak of The Scroll, mentions that “sometimes [me and my partner] will go to stores and I’ll dance in the aisle just to embarrass him.” While you might make someone scream and run into the woods by doing that on your first date, it still feels consoling to most people knowing that you are comfortable in your own skin and can be silly and open with them.

2) WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS

Yikes. Some people are not worth your time and love. Sorry to anyone out there who’s apathetic or narcissistic. We can still be there for you if you pay us.

This scene makes me physically convulse every time I watch it, which has admittedly only been a few times. Anyone who physically moves in on you or tries too hard to be physically close to you without your permission is not a force to be associated with. Long story short for anyone who’s guilty of this: keep your grimy hands to yourself and ask the other person first before you make yourself look like a slimy, beady-eyed insect.

For some reason, school-affiliated accounts can't see this? You might have to use a separate account to see this.

This is the funniest title on a YouTube video I have ever seen. If you’re either of these people, you are filled to the brim with red flags. One: If you’re casually texting and blatantly ignoring someone during a date, you’re the scum of the earth. If you’re looking up a video to show them or taking pictures with them, you get a pass. But if your rebuttal to their knavery is suing them for actual, tangible money, then what are you doing with yourself? Get a life. Move on. I don’t want to have to tell you again.

3) BE HOT!

Some people will never be able to achieve this, and to those of you with mullets: I’m sorry. TikTok may have been right when they said that beauty is really just confidence, but there are some items you should avoid.

Anything that insinuates hunting or fishing, unless it’s ironic, is off-the-walls and anyone wearing this should not be trusted. However, here ARE some fishing-related clothing you should wear:

Don’t wear clothing that make you seem full of yourself. If you purposefully wear band tournament hoodies because your high school marching band got first place in the State Ensemble Competition: I don’t care. When it comes to connecting with someone, your character is so much more important than your merits. If someone only cares about your merits: get up out of your cushioned chair, grab your shiny glass of Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider, and dump the entire substance on their dandruff-filled head.

Overall, when it comes down to what you wear and what you do to get yourself looking nice, stick with what is comfortable to you. Scratching your buttcheek every two minutes because you decided to wear pants with rough material is probably not the most flattering thing ever.

I know a lot of you don’t care what other people think. Here’s what I have to say to that: have fun when you try to have a trusting and understanding relationship with anyone. Sometimes, you have to go outside your closed-off comfort zone in order to better connect with people. Even if that means pulling out your black, leather-bound book, teeming with your 128 mint-condition Yu-Gi-Oh! playing card deck. There are plenty of ways to make your dating life a little less non-existent, and with the help of these tips and tricks, I hope you are all able to leave your room for once and be the hot, desirable, captivating, tantalizing, irresistible, stunning, pulchritudinous people you are.

The funniest person on The Scroll (currently competing with Mariah Lumsden), signing off.

Page updated

Report abuse