Do you have someone in your life who can connect with people within seconds of meeting them? When considering how this question pertains to me, I immediately picture a certain friend of mine who is instantaneously loved by everyone. It seems as though no matter who I introduce to this friend, he is always able to make people feel comfortable, and in turn appreciative of his sociability. Being a more recent friend of mine, I grew curious about how he grew to be such a “people-person”, so I simply asked. This led to him accrediting much of his social demeanor to How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Whether it be surface-level introductions or genuine friendships, I have always admired his constant effort to make others feel heard. I thought reading this book might be the right first step to having that same effect on people. 

Written and published in the 1930s, there is a reason this book is still a topic of discussion today. The ideas are simple, but effective, and lay out methods of communication in a way that is easy for everyone to understand. Author Dale Carnegie was an American writer, lecturer, and developer of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. The book is sectioned into 4 parts; each listing several lessons that pertain to each general idea. Part 1 focuses on the “Fundamental Techniques of Handling People”, Part 2 focuses on “Six Ways to Make People Like You”, Part 3 is about "How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking”, and Part 4 is titled “Be A Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.” Each section has sub-sections based on the main idea that elaborate on how we should be acting for not only our personal development but also a sense of our contentment. The book title may seem like it is mainly geared toward winning over other people which to an extent, is true. But after reading the book, Carnegie helped open my eyes to realize that thinking about other people gives you a sense of grace. Carnegie uses this book to explain how much self-reflection can help or hurt one’s relationship-building skills. 

The lessons taught in How to Win Friends and Influence People incorporate the use of real-life experiences, many about national leaders.

“Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 53). 

In “Six Ways to Make People Like You”, this is one quote that stuck with me the instant I read it. When people can sense that you have a genuine interest in them, oftentimes something completely unrelated to the “business” you may be discussing, they become that much more likely to assist you in, really, anything under the sun. I related this lesson to another moment in time when I was studying to become a fitness coach. My mentor, and now friend, reminded me that these people are not just business transactions or people trying to get in shape; they are humans with busy lives who (as I learned from the book) are eager to talk about themselves. My mentor reminded me to ask them about their day or the hard test they had to take. Remembering and learning about people and what they stand for is how they remember you and want to engage with you no matter the circumstance. 

“If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 37)

In a world where the people we meet and the places we have been pull at our heartstrings, it is imperative to put thought into our words and actions. “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 15). We love to not only talk about ourselves but long for a legitimate sense of feeling heard. When others remind you that they retained what you said, it introduces a shock factor; one that you want to keep happening. “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 18).

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” – Publius Syrus, (Carnegie, 1936, p. 38).

My admiration for this book only increased as I read it for its acknowledgment of attention spans. The chapters were short, sweet, and to the point. One criticism I do have is the number of examples that were provided. In some cases, I felt as though the stories relating to the chapters were like listening to a broken record; I found myself skimming over certain stories that yielded the same lesson. In this same light, however, I can see how this might be a plus for those who love to connect ideology to real-world examples. The connection was somewhat difficult for me as well since the book is rather dated. Thankfully, many of the people mentioned had profound careers which helped me form connections. However, I did find myself struggling to understand some terminology which was to be expected due to the book's age. I found it helpful to keep a computer or some sort of device nearby where I could quickly look something up if I ever found myself confused.

My two biggest takeaways from the book were to be sympathetic and to remember to smile. Oftentimes, we are so quick to focus on our desires that we need to remember the importance of putting ourselves in another's shoes. “Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 92). This presents itself in smaller and bigger actions; sympathy is not just in times of hurting but used in times of understanding. In terms of smiling, I started trying to turn this small action into a habit the day after I read this chapter. Smiling, although a rather simple and small action, leaves a large impact on others and could truly save someone’s life or make someone’s day. You never know what other people are going through and taking the time to partake in a small gesture like smiling not only makes you feel better but helps the world become a safer space. It takes no true effort, and in reality, I have realized that I am doing myself and those around me a disservice for not reminding both myself and them that there is always something to smile about. 

“It costs nothing, but creates much” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 43).

“It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 43). 

I am not a big reader when it is all said and done, but I think this book might have changed that. If I had to rate it, it would get four out of five stars. My reason for taking off one star for this book results from Carnegie's lack of addressing different types of personalities. The book starts by saying that we should recognize others' habits and try to figure out why they operate or react to things the way that they do; and while I agree, I think there are certain scenarios where trying to understand why someone does something is a waste of time. Although I do not have a personal example, I can provide a general example. I recently watched a video that said you start living when you let go of the fact that you will never be able to control other people. Essentially, people are going to do whatever they want to do, and letting go of trying to figure out why they make those decisions allows them to gain their freedom back. Although I do believe it is important to try to understand people, I think a lot can be accomplished on a personal level when individuals do not fixate on others. 

I have learned to not be so selfish in my day-to-day life. People and relationships are important and fulfilling; that is something that should never be forgotten. Remember that there is a reason to smile and to be obnoxious in your pursuit of it. Do not get lost in the seriousness that others may try to project. I have learned that the words human and humanity go hand in hand; we are re supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. We are supposed to meet both the right people and the wrong people and recognize why both experiences are important. The world is truly so much bigger than our small, individual selves, and everyone should have the opportunity to realize that. I think everyone needs to be reminded about how small concepts can create big advances for humanity. 

“Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds” (Carnegie, 1936, p. 43).