What is Your Favorite Piece of Classic American Literature Written by a White Man — and Does That Make You Gay? 

This highly comprehensive handy-dandy quiz à la Buzzfeed provides an incredibly unreliable way to further question YOUR sexuality! Just pick your favorite piece of white male classic American literature below and see our useful answer guide to determine whether your next vacation destination should be the San Fran Pride Parade. And don’t worry — this method is tried, true, and 100% accurate. 

Question 1: What is your favorite work of classic American literature? 

1. “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allan Poe

2. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

3. The Crucible by Arthur Miller

4. Moby-Dick  No

5. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey

6. “Evangeline” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

7. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

8. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne 

9. “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

10. “The Waste-Land” by T.S. Eliot

Results 

If you picked… 

1. Hearts?! Strong feelings?! You should know by now — emotions are GAY! Now go tell your parents the news. 

2. If you actually took the time to read Of Mice and Men in high school instead of skimming the Sparknotes ten minutes before the test (I see you, English Majors), you’d remember that Lenny’s soft spot for fuzzy animals seemed pretty gay. (After all, the only animals straight men enjoy are rugged things they can wrangle, like bulls or crocodiles.) Besides, a story about two guys and their dream to own a home together? Can it get gayer? (Oh, wait, don’t worry, John Steinbeck fans — they were just roommates.) 

3. Ask any History Major, and they’ll tell you that roughly 80% of the witches condemned and executed in the Salem Witch Trials (or really, just the Great Witch Hunt in general) were female.1 So the question is — do those bad, bad, hunky male witches really cast a spell on you? Or are you more for the girls in the woods dancing naked around bonfires? Or… dare I say it… both? You just may be bisexual enough to make any Salem minister swoon. 

4. Julianna: Let me underscore once again that Quiddity is a university publication and as such, jokes of a provocative sexual nature are not allowed; I thought the rejected first three drafts of this piece would have made that abundantly clear. Please substitute alternate funny content. —Professor Pieczkolon 

5. If this is your favorite book, not only are you gay, but, like Ken Kesey, you have consumed way too much LSD. 

6. If the only thing you took away from this poem was the depth and beauty of its imagery… well, either you’re a savvy observer of the fact that Longfellow wasn’t much for plot — or you’re gay. Or, let’s be honest, probably both. 

7. A male main character? One who invites prostitutes to his room just for a chat? Baseball references? Ohhhhhhh boy. Break out the rainbow bow ties and suspenders and let’s get this Pride Parade on the road. 

8. Hmmm… “scarlet” is too close to pink in the straight mind. Let’s slap a “gay” label on this one and call it a day. 

9. You’re straight. You tell yourself you’re straight, you’re in a healthy, loving, straight relationship… but late at night, when you’re alone and awake and at your most vulnerable, you can’t help wondering… what if I took the wrong road? Well, there’s a solution to that! Retrace those steps, take a good look around the crossroads of that yellow wood, then step boldly onto that Road Not Traveled and Question. Your. Sexuality!  

10. But really, though, this is straight as hell.

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About the Author

Julianna Reidell is a first-year English and French major at Arcadia University. She has received gold and silver medals for her humor writing and poetry at the national level of the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards. Her work can also be found in the magazines Teen Ink and Stone Soup, as well as on the teen comedy site The Milking Cat. One day, she'll write a novel.